Urkobold

Late Burns' Night Entry: Ode to an Asshole

2012-01-27T14:13:00.000-05:00

Think Robert Burns was all happiness, New Year's Eve parties, and odes to haggises and other offally goodness from Scotland? Think again. Check out the following response to a critic who charged Burns with "obscure language" and "imperfect grammar":

Ellisland, 1791.

Dear Sir:

Thou eunuch of language; thou Englishman, who never was south the Tweed; thou servile echo of fashionable barbarisms; thou quack, vending the nostrums of empirical elocution; thou marriage-maker between vowels and consonants, on the Gretna-green of caprice; thou cobler, botching the flimsy socks of bombast oratory; thou blacksmith, hammering the rivets of absurdity; thou butcher, embruing thy hands in the bowels of orthography; thou arch-heretic in pronunciation; thou pitch-pipe of affected emphasis; thou carpenter, mortising the awkward joints of jarring sentences; thou squeaking dissonance of cadence; thou pimp of gender; thou Lyon Herald to silly etymology; thou antipode of grammar; thou executioner of construction; thou brood of the speech-distracting builders of the Tower of Babel; thou lingual confusion worse confounded; thou scape-gallows from the land of syntax; thou scavenger of mood and tense; thou murderous accoucheur of infant learning; thou ignis fatuus, misleading the steps of benighted ignorance; thou pickle-herring in the puppet-show of nonsense; thou faithful recorder of barbarous idiom; thou persecutor of syllabication; thou baleful meteor, foretelling and facilitating the rapid approach of Nox and Erebus.

R.B.

From Letters of Note via Urkoboldian Overlord, First-Class, highnumber.

Don't Make Him Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry.

2012-01-26T12:55:00.000-05:00

Image via Neatorama.

R.I.P. Robot

2012-01-26T12:30:00.000-05:00

Dick Tufeld, the voice of Robot from Lost in Space, has died at age 85.

"Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"

Surprisingly Common Myths Debunked

2012-01-25T14:21:00.001-05:00

Myth #1: Jumping out of a plane without a parachute means almost certain death.

This is utter nonsense, likely propagated by skydiving companies, parachute manufacturers, and pilots. It's perfectly safe to jump out of a plane without a parachute. As any physicist can tell you, you can only accelerate so much, regardless of the height from which you leap, until you reach "terminal velocity." Note the pejorative use of the world "terminal" to describe a perfectly safe landing speed.

Proof that Myth #1 is a lie:

College student enjoying a perfectly safe morning jump. Note that the Red Bull is more dangerous to him than the skydive.

Myth #2: Alligators are dangerous to people.

Pure balderdash. Alligators love people, and the number of fatalities blamed on alligators is very small--no more than a few a decade, on average. Even that number is misleading, because most deaths attributed to alligators involve (1) confusion between alligators and crocodiles, and (2) cases where the alligator is acting in self-defense after exhausting all attempts at peaceful resolution.

Why do people believe this lie? Tourism bureaus in California and Arizona, jealous of Florida's tourism industry, have been spending hundreds of millions to spread this misinformation on a worldwide basis.

Proof that Myth #2 is a lie:

Friendly Florida alligator smiles and poses for a picture.

Myth #3: The Moon is a giant celestial body, 1/6th the size of the Earth, and has been around for billions of years.

This one is a little surprising, as twenty-seven astronauts and a number of probes have been to the Moon. The Moon is, in fact, only a couple of meters in diameter. Besides the reams of evidence to this effect gleaned from our space activities, it should be obvious to any observer, as mankind has demonstrated no capacity to leave low-Earth orbit. Since we've been to the Moon and we can't leave LEO, it follows that the Moon is in LEO. A giant, planet-like body couldn't be that close to the Earth, Q.E.D. the Moon is very small.

Proof that Myth #3 is a lie:

Men constructing the Moon in 1910.

The Apollo 11 astronauts posing with the Moon.

How it Should Have Ended: Return of the Jedi

2012-01-25T09:02:00.000-05:00

Three Minute Philosophy: Epicurus and Zeno

2012-01-24T22:55:00.001-05:00

We ran a few from this series back in 2010 (like this one on Galileo), but more have been done since then. Here's one of the classics--Epicureanism vs. Stoicism:

Space Porn: Look into the Eyes of the Dragon and Despair!

2012-01-24T10:40:00.000-05:00

SpaceX has provided an interactive panorama of its Dragon spacecraft in its current configuration, as a cargo ship for the ISS. Take a good look, as this is very likely the next American spacecraft for manned exploration (via Transterrestrial Musings).

Here's a little infographic on the spacecraft from Space.com:

Monkey Tuesday: Deathbed Confessions

2012-01-24T08:13:00.002-05:00

Via The Chive.

Robbing Peter to Pay Paul Pays!

2012-01-20T19:45:00.000-05:00

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."

--George Bernard Shaw

The Ωmega Man Can

2012-01-17T21:55:00.008-05:00

Ωmega Man

(Sung to the tune of "Candy Man")

(Ωmega Man.)
(Hey, Ωmega Man.)

Spoken:
All right everybody gather 'round.
The Ωmega Man is here.
What kind of plague do you want?
Spanish flu?
Biol'gical warfare?
Cholera?
Anything you want.
You've come to the right man.
'Cause I'm the Ωmega Man.

(Woooo.)

Who can take a sidearm? (Who can take a sidearm?)

Discharge it at you (Discharge it at you),
Shower you with gunfire and a one-liner or two?
The Ωmega Man (The Ωmega Man).
Oh, the Ωmega Man can (The Ωmega Man can).
The Ωmega Man can 'cause he fixes you with guns,
And makes the world waste good.
(Makes the world waste good.)

Who can take explosives? (Who can take explosives?)

Toss them with a sigh (Toss them with a sigh),
Joke it up for fun and make a groovy mutant die?
The Ωmega Man (The Ωmega Man).
The Ωmega Man can (The Ωmega Man can).
The Ωmega Man can 'cause he fixes you with guns,
And makes the world waste good.
(Makes the world waste good.)

The Ωmega Man makes
Everything he hates
Gratifyingly pernicious.
Now you talk about your mutant glitches.
You can even beat their bitches.

Oh, who can make a serum? (Who can make a serum?)

Make it from his blood (Make it from his blood),
Separate the sorrow and inject us all with love?
The Ωmega Man (The Ωmega Man).
Oh, the Ωmega Man can (The Ωmega Man can).
The Ωmega Man can 'cause he fixes you with guns,
And makes the world waste good.
(Makes the world waste good.)

The Ωmega Man makes
Everything he hates
Gratifyingly pernicious.
Now you talk about your mutant witches.
You can even beat their bitches.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, who can make a serum? (Who can make a serum?)

Make it from his blood (Make it from his blood),
Separate the sorrow and inject us all with love?
The Ωmega Man (The Ωmega Man).
Oh, the Ωmega Man can (The Ωmega Man can).
The Ωmega Man can 'cause he fixes you with guns,
And makes the world waste good.
(Makes the world waste good.)

Yes, the Ωmega Man can 'cause he fixes you with guns,
And makes the world waste good.
(Makes the world waste good).
A-Ωmega Man, a-Ωmega Man, a-Ωmega Man.
(Makes the world waste good).

Fade
A-Ωmega Man, a-Ωmega Man, a-Ωmega Man.
(Makes the world waste good).
A-Ωmega Man, a-Ωmega Man, a-Ωmega Man.

Hey kids, it's the Ωmega Man!

Movie Posters from an Alternative Universe

2012-01-17T13:05:00.001-05:00

I think I'd watch every one of these--pure awesome. And, in some cases, an improvement over our universe's version (I'm looking at you, Avatar!). See the rest at Izismile.

Monkey Tuesday: Don't Eff with the Monkey

2012-01-17T12:34:00.001-05:00

Before fucking with the monkey:

Fucking with the monkey:

After fucking with the monkey:

DON'T FUCK WITH THE MONKEY!

Monkey Tuesday: Don't Mess With the Monkey's Stuff

2012-01-17T11:00:00.000-05:00

Via The Chive.

Monkey Tuesday: Posted Without Comment

2012-01-17T07:58:00.001-05:00

Sulu Friday: The Shat Requires. . .A Sacrifice!

2012-01-13T00:19:00.000-05:00

An epic feud continues. What horrific demands will the Shat be making? Stay tuned.

American: "It's the Freedom Language"

2012-01-12T12:48:00.002-05:00

See the "kid" cast of Harry Potter attempt to speak with American accents. I think Rusty does best:

Monkey Tuesday: Some Monkey Motivators from Around the Internet

2012-01-10T14:30:00.000-05:00

Via MotiFake:

Via Very Demotivational:

Via Be Awesome Instead:

The Democrats Unveil the Best Possible Candidate for the White House

2012-01-09T12:41:00.002-05:00

You thought they were going to let Obama lose the White House and the Senate? No way! They've been sitting on the perfect candidate for America. Meet the man. . .and his hat. Meet Vermin Supreme:

We at Urkobold are also intrigued by his "Flying Monkey Public Safety Assurance Program."

A Pony in Every Garage!

Via Neatorama.

The Urkobold Recommends Replacing the Debate Format With One Question

2012-01-05T14:09:00.009-05:00

Why yes, yes I do. If that counts having women do it for me.

FOOLS! STAGING CONTINUAL DEBATES THAT ANSWER NO IMPORTANT QUESTIONS, THAT DO NOTHING TO GAGE A CANDIDATE'S COMPETENCE FOR OFFICE, AND THAT INVOLVE ANSWERS THAT ARE NOTHING MORE THAN BORING SOUNDBITES IS POINTLESS. IS THIS ANY WAY TO DETERMINE WHO SHOULD OCCUPY THE SECOND MOST POWERFUL OFFICE IN THE WORLD? OF COURSE NOT.

THE URKOBOLD, BORED TO A NEARLY COMA-LIKE STATE BY THE AMERICAN POLITICAL PROCESS, HAS A SOLUTION. INSTEAD OF DEBATES MODERATED BY MORONS, INVOLVING SOFTBALL QUESTIONS AND BORING, CANNED RESPONSES, THE URKOBOLD SUGGESTS REPLACING THE WHOLE PROCESS WITH THIS:

INVITE ALL CANDIDATES TO A TELEVISED EVENT, WHERE THEY ALL FACE THE CAMERA AND ANSWER THIS ONE QUESTION: DO YOU MASTURBATE?

THIS FORMAT MAKES MORE SENSE, BECAUSE WHY ELSE DO THEY CALL IT A DE-BATE?

THE URKOBOLD, FEELING GENEROUS, WILL ALSO TELL YOU HOW TO VOTE: VOTE AGAINST THE CANDIDATE WHO ANSWERS ANYTHING BUT "YES."

Claymation Remake of John Carpenter's The Thing with Penguins

2012-01-04T15:09:00.002-05:00

Via Topless Robot.

RIP: The "Your Tears Are So Yummy and Sweet" Thread

2012-01-04T10:47:00.003-05:00

Courtesy Urkoboldian Freelance Archivist, SugarFree

Hit & Run finally, after five years, yanked the comments section down for the "Your Tears Are so Yummy and Sweet" posting, which was a schadenfreudesque take down of a really bad politician--who couldn't possibly run for president, right?--who had just lost his bid for reelection to the U.S. Senate.

Anyway, the comments had been open there ever since Hit & Run went to threaded, nested comments, and, until this draconian takedown, was the home of Urkoboldian, Viking Moose. A blog within a blog, if you will. Gone. And Viking Moose's whereabouts remain unknown.

Thanks to the Wayback Machine (and to SugarFree for pointing it out), the thread isn't totally lost to history. In honor of this thread that died before its time, I post a song parody I wrote within that thread:

"Children of Santorum"

(to the tune of Billy Thorpe's "Children of the Sun")

People of the Earth can you hear me?
Came a voice from the stage on that magical night.
And in the colors of a thousand sunsets,
They traveled through the crowd on a silvery light.

The people of the Earth stood waiting,
Watching as the cars came one by one.
Setting fire to the speech as they entered,
Carrying to the world, Children of Santorum.

All at once came a sound from the podium,
Then the dreams of the right hit the ground.
Everyone felt the sound of their heartbeats,
Every man - every woman - every child.

They passed the limits of campaigning,
Through the doors - to a world - of another time.
On the journey to millions at a lawfirm,
With the Children of Santorum - They started their climb.

No more campaigning, nothing holding them down.
Floating endlessly, as their Dad leaves the town.
Through the halls of slime - at the speed of light.
Cry with Sarah Maria on her political flight.
On her political flight.

Shout! Shout! Shout at the Kidman!

2011-12-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

Laughed my ass off at this one. Won't make sense except to people who play a certain game.

Via Attack of the Blog.

The U.N. honors the 2,000,000 victims of North Korean famine.

2011-12-29T11:53:00.000-05:00

Just kidding. The UN lowered their flag to half staff to honor the man who was responsible for those deaths, as well as the continued slavery of the North Korean people. A good thing to think about whenever you hear about the UN "human rights" programs.

Note: the estimates run from 900,000 to 3.5 million deaths in the NK famine. Photo from China Daily.

The Dark Side of Christmas

2011-12-29T10:30:00.001-05:00

From the disturbingly entertaining mind of Charles Addams (via Neatorama):

Latest Plinkett Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2011-12-28T17:12:00.006-05:00

Part I:

Part II:

CHEETAH DEAD AT 80

2011-12-28T10:59:00.001-05:00

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Cheetah lived just a few miles away from me. I'm too emotional to talk about this loss--not just to me, not just to my community, but to all mankind.

See our earlier post on Cheetah's bestselling autobiography.

The Cast of A Christmas Story: Then and Now

2011-12-27T18:10:00.000-05:00

See the whole article at Screen Junkies, but I'll tease with some then-and-now photos:

From the Christmas Archives: Evil Austrian Anti-Claus

2011-12-27T15:38:00.000-05:00

Originally posted on December 15, 2010:

From the land that brought us great pastries, music, skiing, and Hitler comes another innovation: Krampus, the Anti-Claus. Here's more from Neatorama:

Austrian children still get to celebrate the arrival of Ol’ Saint Nick, but they also have to brace themselves for the arrival of his evil counterpart, Krampus. Where Saint Nicholas rewards good behavior with treats and toys on December 6, the demonic Krampus arrives on December 5, looking to punish all the bad children. His weapons of choice are birch switches to beat children with and burlap sacks to kidnap them and throw them into the river.

The worst part is that local men actually dress up like Krampus (just like many men dress up as Santa in America) and terrorize the streets. In some villages, kids are even made to run what is known as a Krampus-gauntlet, in an attempt to outrun the switches.

I don't suppose we'll ever know for sure, but I think enduring this Krampus business is what ultimately started both World Wars.

Merry KneelbeforeZodmas!

2011-12-27T12:09:00.003-05:00

Urkobold poster and founder highnumber forwarded me this gem from General Zod's Facebook page (still shocked that he engages in social media):

You better tip toe, you better not fly,
You better kneel low, or you're going to die,
General Zod is coming to town.

He's making a list, it's long as hell,
Bringing ruin to the House of El,
General Zod is coming to town.

Merry KneelbeforeZodmas!

Monkey Tuesday: Monkey Dishwashers

2011-12-27T05:56:00.003-05:00

Cheap, effective, and not all that likely to rise in rebellion, notwithstanding movies to the contrary.

Via Neatorama.

A Terry Gilliam Christmas Card. Or is that Brianmas?

2011-12-24T17:48:00.000-05:00

Via Neatorama.

Merry Christmas, You Damned Dirty Apes!

2011-12-24T17:26:00.001-05:00

From the Christmas Archive: Re-Re-Post: The Urkobold's "The Twelve Days of Christmas"

2011-12-24T14:02:00.000-05:00

"The Twelve Days of Christmas"*

	On the first day of Christmas, The Urkobold sent to me A Viking from Saxony.
	On the second day of Christmas, The Urkobold sent to me Two martel blows, And a Viking from Saxony.
	On the third day of Christmas, The Urkobold sent to me Three henchmen, Two martel blows, And a Viking from Saxony.
	On the fourth day of Christmas, The Urkobold sent to me Four fighting words, Three henchmen, Two martel blows, And a Viking from Saxony.
	On the fifth day of Christmas, The Urkobold sent to me Five bold monkeys, Four fighting words, Three henchmen, Two martel blows, And a Viking from Saxony.
	On the sixth day of Christmas, The Urkobold sent to me Six haggis a-frying, Five bold monkeys, Four fighting words, Three henchmen, Two martel blows, And a Viking from Saxony.
	On the seventh day of Christmas, The Urkobold sent to me Seven trolls a-trolling, Six haggis a-frying, Five bold monkeys, Four fighting words, Three henchmen, Two martel blows, And a Viking from Saxony.
	On the eighth day of Christmas, The Urkobold sent to me Eight plans a-cunning, Seven trolls a-trolling, Six haggis a-frying, Five bold monkeys, Four fighting words, Three henchmen, Two martel blows, And a Viking from Saxony.
	On the ninth day of Christmas, The Urkobold sent to me Nine Sulus prancing, Eight plans a-cunning, Seven trolls a-trolling, Six haggis a-frying, Five bold monkeys, Four fighting words, Three henchmen, Two martel blows, And a Viking from Saxony.
	On the tenth day of Christmas, The Urkobold sent to me Ten Dukes a-drawling, Nine Sulus prancing, Eight plans a-cunning, Seven trolls a-trolling, Six haggis a-frying, Five bold monkeys, Four fighting words, Three henchmen, Two martel blows, And a Viking from Saxony.
	On the eleventh day of Christmas, The Urkobold sent to me Eleven Spitzers whoring, Ten Dukes a-drawling, Nine Sulus prancing, Eight plans a-cunning, Seven trolls a-trolling, Six haggis a-frying, Five bold monkeys, Four fighting words, Three henchmen, Two martel blows, And a Viking from Saxony.
	On the twelfth day of Christmas, The Urkobold sent to me Twelve defamers defaming, Eleven Spitzers whoring, Ten Dukes a-drawling, Nine Sulus prancing, Eight plans a-cunning, Seven trolls a-trolling, Six haggis a-frying, Five bold monkeys, Four fighting words, Three henchmen, Two martel blows, And a Viking from Saxony!

* Yes, yes, I know, the pictures and the numbers don't match up. Do you know how hard it is to find just three henchmen, let alone nine Sulus? Assume the correct quantities and be done with the matter.

From the Christmas Archives: Monkey Christmas Eve - Merry Christmas from the Damned Dirty Apes

2011-12-24T08:11:00.002-05:00

Originally posted on December 24, 2008:

The H & R Griefers

2011-12-23T15:19:00.002-05:00

As always, click on the pictures to enlarge.

That's No Ordinary Rabbit...

2011-12-23T10:23:00.002-05:00

From Motifake.

From the Christmas Archives: Aye, It's Time for a Wee Bit of Christmas Haggis

2011-12-21T01:18:00.002-05:00

Originally posted on December 17, 2008:

Haggis! The ultimate Christmas entrée, loved by kids and adults alike. Yet many Americans have trouble preparing haggis, not knowing how to gut a sheep or how to distinguish between the various organs that do and that do not go into a proper haggis. Fret no more! Our friends at Caledonian Kitchen are now offering "fresh frozen haggis". No mess, no gutting, no worries. Buy into this ridiculously popular fad today!

For those Americans that retain the courage of their Scottish forebears, Alton Brown has prepared an instructional video on the correct method for preparing haggis (here's his written recipe):

Ah, I can smell the offally goodness of the Christmas haggis now.

From the Christmas Archives: Monkey Tuesday - The Monkeys of Christmas

2011-12-20T09:09:00.008-05:00

Originally posted on December 14, 2010:

From the Christmas Archives: Werner Herzog Demands that You Have a Frohe Weihnachten and Reads to You "A Visit from St. Nicholas”

2011-12-19T08:53:00.000-05:00

Originally posted on December 17, 2010:

Via Neatorama.

***Update***

Just got to watch the whole thing--brilliant! This video was made by the same guy who has been reading children's books in Herzog's voice and manner. What's great about this is that he's not just reading it, he's commenting on the sociopolitical and psychological implications throughout.

Merry Calvinmas!

2011-12-18T11:30:00.000-05:00

Via Neatorama.

From the Christmas Archives: "The Night Before Shaihuludmas"

2011-12-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

Originally posted on January 3, 2011:

'T'T was the night before Shaihuludmas, when all through the sietch

Not a creature was stirring, not even a letch;

The stilsuits were hung by the glowglobe with care,

In hopes that St. Worm soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of literjons danced in their heads;

And mamma in her keffiyeh, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long shita'a's nap,

When out on the dune there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the doorseal and threw up the sash.
The moons on the breast of the newly blown spice
Gave the lustre of mid-day to our windtrap device,

When, what to my wondering eyes should bespawn,
But a miniature carryall, and eight tiny kulon,
With a massive old driver, so lively and firm,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Worm.
More rapid than 'thopters his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

Now, Otheym! now, Farok! Now, Stilgar and Korba!
On, Turok! On Jamis! On, Liet and Harah!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the Shield Wall!
Now ya! ya! yawm! ya! ya! yawm! ya! ya! yawm all!

As 'thopters that before the wild sandstorm fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the sietch the coursers they flew,
With suspensors full of water, and Shai-Hulud, too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Shai-Hulud came with a bound.

He was segmented all over, from his head to his foot,
And his skin was all replaced with a sandtrouty suit;
A bundle of flagons he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a waterseller just opening his pack.
His eyes--how they twinkled! His cowls how merry!
His mien was a pose, a pose quite contrary!
His droll little mouth was full of crysknives,
And the leer in his grin hid the sighs of his lives.

The stump of a catchtube he held tight in his teeth,
And the spice it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old worm,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of my squirm;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stilsuits; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his carryall, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew with the sound of a missile.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Shaihuludmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

First Christmas Song Performed in Space

2011-12-16T15:39:00.000-05:00

Via Boing Boing.

Here's the summary from the poster on YouTube who located a recording of this performance:

On December 16, 1965, while in orbit above planet Earth, the crew of Gemini 6 added another milestone to their already historic mission.

Astronauts Wally Schirra and Thomas Stafford reported sighting an object, a satellite, in a "polar orbit...traveling North to South."

"Stand by, he's trying to signal something," reported Schirra.

The next thing heard at Mission Control was a rendition of Jingle Bells performed by the astronauts using instruments which they had smuggled onboard.

The story is well known. The harmonica and string of bells are now housed at The Smithsonian, and the incident is believed to be the first time human beings ever played music in outer space.

But no recording of the song has ever been made available. Until now.

I've been looking all over the Internet for this recording for more than a year with no success. So I started asking for help.

KUOW reporter Phyllis Fletcher pointed me toward NASA's Media Resource Center in Houston Texas.

After digging around their Web site and calling the phone tree at Johnson Space Center, I eventually reached Librarian Jody Russell. Her contacts in the Audio Department pointed me to the online archive for the entire Gemini 6 and 7 joint mission.

They narrowed it down to 8 audio files for me, which covered about 33 hours of the mission. They also provided me with links to mission transcripts that I could use as reference to find the song.

The message from NASA ended with "...it's in there somewhere."

And it was.

Enjoy!

By the Power of Kringle. . .I Have the Power!

2011-12-16T09:42:00.000-05:00

Via Neatorama.

From the Christmas Archive: Sulu Friday - Sulu Claus

2011-12-16T07:56:00.000-05:00

Sulu Friday: Takei's a Shoe-In for the Nobel Peace Prize

2011-12-16T07:52:00.001-05:00

I mean, taking on the blood feud that is Star Trek vs. Star Wars? Whoa.

From the Christmas Archives: Santa Recommends. . .The Bad Santa

2011-12-15T12:59:00.000-05:00

Originally posted on December 14, 2010:

The Bad Santa

1 cup of Cointreau
2 cups of brandy (no cognac!)
3 cups of orange juice
1 bottle of sparkling wine or champagne

Stir ingredients in a pitcher. Serve over ice. Makes about 15 glasses.

Santa loves this drink--be sure to set out a full pitcher on Christmas Eve!

Monkey Tuesday: The King of the Apes?

2011-12-13T10:11:00.000-05:00

Image via Cracked.com.

Tebow 7; Sinners 1

2011-12-11T19:35:00.000-05:00

A Young Otto?

2011-12-09T13:28:00.000-05:00

The early years:

And the later years:

Making a Lateral Move in High School

2011-12-09T13:25:00.000-05:00

Via The Chive.

Sulu Friday: "Never Before Has McDonald's Promoted Two Movies at the Same Time"

2011-12-09T11:06:00.001-05:00

Sulu shilling for the Clown. I love it!

Canadian Bed Store Goes Where No Canadian Bed Store Has Gone Before

2011-12-08T16:00:00.000-05:00

Via BuzzFeed.

A Meme I Like for Once: The Unimpressed Astronaut

2011-12-08T10:54:00.000-05:00

Below are a couple that I particularly like. See the rest at The Chive.

"Stille Nacht, heilige Nacht" Performed in the Original German by Mr. Chewbacca

2011-12-07T16:06:00.000-05:00

Via BuzzFeed.

Science Makes Adam Savage into Penn Jillette

2011-12-06T17:31:00.000-05:00

I could swear I saw this, but if so, I somehow missed an insanely obvious transformation:

Via Holy Taco. The lawyers say steer clear of sulfur hexafluoride.

Don't Make Me Changey and Hopey. You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Changey and Hopey.

2011-12-06T15:45:00.002-05:00

This is a t-shirt you can get at Last Exit to Nowhere, which sells movie-themed shirts. I thought this one was great.

Have a Very Calvin Christmas!

2011-12-06T14:13:00.000-05:00

Photo of a home decorated for Christmas in California. 50 1/2 Calvin Ball points!

Via Neatorama.

Monkey Tuesday: Obey the Rules!

2011-12-06T11:08:00.000-05:00

Via The Chive.

O Tebowbaum, O Tebowbaum

2011-12-05T16:37:00.006-05:00

From Urkobold Industries, Inc. comes the latest in holiday products: The Tebowbaum™. Merging the wonderful holiday of Christmas with the living miracle that is Tim Tebow, we replace the environmentally incorrect Christmas tree (a remnant of pernicious Nazi influence!*) with a cardboard cutout of His Tebowness made out of 100% recycled materials and painted with the tears of his detractors:

Image provided by BakedPenguin and his vast staff at the Art Department

Already outselling the "traditional" Christmas tree this year, the Tebowbaum™ is a natural--full of great American virtues like hard work, faith, and football--and fun to decorate, too! Available in a variety of styles, including Tebowing Tebow, Gator Tebow, Team-Neutral Tebow, as well as Virgin Miracle Tebow.

He's still a virgin? It's a miracle!

Get one today!

*

Pictured: Adolf Hitler endorsing the first Christmas tree, based on Nazi paganism and racial theory--not Christian! Nazi!

The Urkobold Speaks: Reader Mail

2011-12-05T13:19:00.005-05:00

TODAY, THE URKOBOLD RESPONDS TO A READER FROM ATHENS, GEORGIA WHO PRESENTS A PROBLEM COMMON TO ALL MALES.

Dear Urkobold:

I'm a 23 year-old student at UGA, majoring in Journalism. Last week, at a study group, this girl with absolutely perfect tits was sitting across from me, wearing some sort of halter top that barely concealed her wonderfulness. Great, right? The thing is, she caught me looking like three times, and she yelled at me the third time: "Fucking stop looking at my boobs, asshole!" The other guys all agreed with her and tried to butter her up by shitting on their manhood.

Anyway, how should I deal with this situation in the future? No way I'm going to stop looking, and women think you're looking at their tits if you ever glance below eye level. Is technology the answer?

Kenneth in Athens

THE URKOBOLD'S RESPONSE:

YOUR PROBLEM IS A COMMON ONE, NOT WELL UNDERSTOOD BY SCIENCE. MEN LOOK AT TITS. EVEN GAY MEN LOOK. OTHER THAN, AS YOU SAY, RESORTING TO ADVANCED VIEWING TECHNOLOGY, WHAT IS THE MALE TO DO TO AVOID SLAPS, OSTRACISM, OR EVEN IN SOME EXTREME INSTANCES, DEATH?

FORTUNATELY FOR YOU AND OTHER MEN, THE TROLLING COMPANY, FEATURING PROFESSORS FROM KLOONS UNIVERSITY, HAS RELEASED AN INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO ON HOW TO NOT ONLY OGLE MAMMARIES IN COMPLETE SAFETY BUT TO BE REWARDED FOR YOUR OGLING. HERE'S A SAMPLE:

FOLLOWING THIS TIT-VIEWING PHILOSOPHY, THE URKOBOLD IS CONFIDENT THAT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO NOT ONLY VIEW BUT TOUCH MANY MORE TITS THAN YOU HAVE IN THE PAST.

YOURS IN THE PENUMBRA OF TROLLING EXCELLENCE THAT IS,

THE URKOBOLD

The Elder Scrolls Adventures with the Dovahkids

2011-12-05T12:58:00.000-05:00

Reimagined as a 1980s Saturday morning cartoon:

Via Neatorama.

Zen Man-Dog Moment

2011-12-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

Via Uncoached.

Germany's Most Disturbing Holidays: Hitlerween

2011-12-02T17:12:00.001-05:00

This picture is beyond creepy. Image via Izismile.

Word of the Day: Drone Process

2011-12-02T16:17:00.003-05:00

Have some double jeopardy, bitches!

drone proc·ess [drohn pros-es]

-noun

1. a course of formal bombardments (instead of judicial proceedings) carried out regularly, fairly, and in accordance with established rules and principles for operating hunter-killer drones; also called procedural drone process.
2. a requirement that drone-based assassinations must be related to a legitimate government interest (e.g., crime prevention) and may not result in the unfair or arbitrary treatment of the individual ordering the bombings or in any limitations or consequences whatsoever; also called substantive due process.

Origin:
Drone (1490–1500); see drone and compare Middle English droun to roar, Icelandic drynja to bellow, Gothic drunjus noise + process (1275–1325); Middle English proces (noun) (< Old French ) < Latin prōcessus a going forward, equivalent to prō- pro-1 + ced-, variant stem of cēdere to yield (see cede) + -tus suffix of v. action; see cession.

Sulu Friday: "Large-Breasted Monkey* Woman"†

2011-12-02T09:03:00.006-05:00

* Monkey not pictured.

^† By commenter demand and approved for posting against my strong protest. Note that neither the post title nor the motivational poster are the creation of Urkobold. In fact the whole blog and corporation are in denial.

The Urkobold Tires of Pro Miniontate's Bland, Banal Posts, Pt. II

2011-12-01T13:53:00.003-05:00

THE URKOBOLD HAS NOTICED IN RECENT YEARS THAT AMERICAN WOMEN HAVE TROUBLE PULLING THEIR JEANS ALL OF THE WAY UP. TO RESTORE SARTORIAL BALANCE TO THIS ONCE GREAT AND BOUNCY NATION, THE TROLLING COMPANY HAS ISSUED THIS SHORT VIDEO TO PROVIDE GUIDANCE ON PROPER, FULL-BODY JEAN ACQUISITION:

The Urkobold Tires of Pro Miniontate's Bland, Banal Posts

2011-12-01T13:47:00.003-05:00

Gilliam on Kubrick vs. Spielberg

2011-12-01T13:15:00.000-05:00

From TCM via io9. Seems pretty spot-on, to me. And the criticism, such as it were, is really more about Hollywood movies in general, not just Spielberg.

Skyrim vs. Reality

2011-12-01T11:20:00.000-05:00

Three hours and twenty-six minutes? I guess, if I was in a hurry and wasn't carrying a lot of stuff.

Via Izismile.

Skyrim and Dating

2011-11-30T17:22:00.000-05:00

Via Unreality Magazine.

Science! Breaks the Ice at Parties.

2011-11-30T10:31:00.000-05:00

Via Neatorama. See more at Richard Wiseman's blog.

Shocking News: The Muppets' "Mahna Mahna" is a Porn Song!

2011-11-29T13:50:00.002-05:00

From Slate ("'Mahna Mahna': How a ditty from a soft-core Italian movie became the Muppets’ catchiest tune"):

* * *

“Mahna Mahna” is as catchy as a song can be, like a fishing hook stuck in your tympanum. Most people know the tune from a classic sketch that aired during The Muppet Show’s 1976 premiere, in which an orange-haired hepcat unsuccessfully tries to persuade two hot-pink creatures with long, disapproving snouts to get into the “Mahna Mahna” groove. But the bit goes back further, and the song further still, originating in, of all places, an Italian soft-core movie called Sweden: Heaven and Hell.

In the tradition of the shocking, factually questionable Mondo Cane, Heaven and Hell was styled as a documentary about Scandinavian sexuality, which provided a thin veneer of respectability for its leering exploration of lesbian nightclubs and meter maids who moonlight as nude models. In the scene where “Viva la Sauna Svedese”—as the song was originally titled—makes its appearance, the camera follows a bevy of statuesque, fur-swaddled blondes as they make their way through the snow to a sauna, then cuts to the same women clad only in carelessly draped towels, giggling as they soak up the heat.

* * *

Here's the song in its original context (as described above):

And, of course, here's the Muppets' version:

Technology, the Gift that Keeps on Giving, Gives Us Urine-Controlled Gaming

2011-11-29T10:44:00.001-05:00

Via Geekologie.

Can I use this controller with Skyrim?

Director Ken Russell Dead at 84

2011-11-28T14:37:00.000-05:00

I know him mostly from the Ken Russell's Gardening Club skit, so here goes:

The Sith Who Stole Christmas

2011-11-28T13:18:00.000-05:00

From OneMinuteGalactica.

Monkey Tuesday: Messin' with the Monkeys

2011-11-22T08:27:00.000-05:00

The Scottish Empire

2011-11-18T16:46:00.001-05:00

Monkey Tuesday: Star Trek Meets Monkeys

2011-11-15T12:54:00.000-05:00

Not, I note for the record, the 1969 television movie, Star Trek Meets the Monkees, which, sadly, has been lost to us.

I wonder what the back story is on that picture?

Family Circus Meets Skyrim

2011-11-15T12:22:00.001-05:00

I just bought Skyrim and am posting this from a magical terminal within the game (it's that friggin' huge). Anyway, rather than join the tens of thousands of bloggers praising the game and noting its nearly reality-like scope, I'm just going to post this:

Image via Unreality Magazine.

Sulu Friday: Keeping Up with the Cardassians

2011-11-11T09:07:00.000-05:00

Happy Nigel Tufnel Day!

2011-11-11T08:31:00.002-05:00

Thanks to BP, who pointed out that Veterans Day and Nigel Tufnel Day were the same day.

***Update***

Here's Nigel explaining Stonehenge to National Geographic:

Baby Recreates Famous Movie Scenes

2011-11-10T13:00:00.001-05:00

See them all at Arthur Recreates Scenes from Classic Movies (via Izismile), but here are a few of my favorites:

The Godfather

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

The Seventh Seal

The Blair Witch Project

Occupy Space

2011-11-08T12:57:00.000-05:00

Via Izismile.

Monkey Tuesday: Monkey Hand Signals

2011-11-08T09:09:00.001-05:00

Note the King of Pop's ability to make Bubbles sit with merely a gesture.

***Update***

For those who have forgotten Bubbles' plight, here's our earlier, shocking revelation about his involuntary incarceration.

Monkey Tuesday: Piano-Playing Monkey

2011-11-08T05:44:00.005-05:00

Sing us a song, you're the monkey man.
Sing us a song tonight.
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody,
And you're casting feces all night.

Kant Touch This

2011-11-05T00:00:00.001-04:00

I'm more of a Hume guy, myself.

Triumph Takes on the Stupefy Movement

2011-11-04T11:24:00.001-04:00

Mime College

2011-11-04T09:37:00.000-04:00

This came to me while reading about some guy joining the Stupefy movement because his graduate degree in Puppetry isn't making him a six-figure salary after all. He was foolish to think so, because everyone knows the path to success is through clown college. Look at Penn Jillette!

Now's the Time on the Death Star When We Dance!

2011-11-03T17:38:00.000-04:00

Via Unreality Magazine.

What Really Happened to Jimi Hendrix?

2011-11-03T12:54:00.000-04:00

Via Izismile.

Song for the Occupying™ Class

2011-11-02T12:42:00.001-04:00

"When the Bubble Breaks"
(sung to the tune of Led Zeppelin's "When the Levee Breaks")

If it keeps on gainin',
Bubble's goin' to break.
If it keeps on gainin',
Bubble's goin' to break.
When the bubble breaks
I'll have no place to stay.

Mean old bubble
Taught me to weep and moan.
Mean old bubble
Taught me to weep and moan.
Got what it takes
To make a graduate man leave his home.
Oh, well, oh, well, oh, well.

Don't it make you feel bad,
When you're tryin' to grind to pay loans,
You don't know which way to go?
If you're a learn'd big mouth
They got no work to do,
If you don't know about espresso.

Cryin' won't help you,
Prayin' won't do you no good.
Now, cryin' won't help you,
Prayin' won't do you no good.
When the bubble breaks, mama, you got to move.

All last night
Fret on the bubble and moaned.
All last night
Fret on the bubble and moaned.
Thinkin' about me payday and my parents' home.
Going, going to espresso...
Going to espresso...
Sorry, but I can't take you.
Going down.
Going down now.
Going down.

A Typical Bruce Campbell Birthday Moment?

2011-11-02T08:58:00.009-04:00

The man sure loves chainsaws. I've never actually seen (all the way through) any of his horror films, though I have seen a lot of other things he's done. I'm currently watching Burn Notice and The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. on DVD, which, of course, means that I'm coincidentally immersing myself in all things Campbell. To such an extent that my young daughter can identify him by name. In fact, I don't think she knows the name of any other actor, beyond whatever character they play on shows/movies she's seen.

Image via The Chive.

Monkey Tuesday: Not That There's Anything Wrong with That

2011-11-01T10:21:00.001-04:00

Monkey Tuesday: Bath Time

2011-11-01T10:14:00.001-04:00

It's monkey bath time.

A world full of bubbles.

Damned dirty humans.

Monkey Tuesday: Monkeys Love Mustard

2011-11-01T08:04:00.001-04:00

Bollywood vs. Hollywood: It's Not Even Close

2011-10-31T14:21:00.000-04:00

Via Izismile.

Editing The Empire Strikes Back

2011-10-31T12:19:00.000-04:00

Via Izismile.

The Cornerstone of Big Trouble in Little China? Jack Burton's Ignorance.

2011-10-28T15:20:00.001-04:00

Via BuzzFeed.

Word of the Day: Mantagonist

2011-10-27T17:55:00.000-04:00

man·tag·o·nist [man-tag-uh-nist]

-noun

1. a woman who is opposed to, struggles against, or competes with all males; opponent to the patriarchy; adversary to all things stinking of maleness.
2. the male adversary of the heroine or protagonist of a drama or other literary work featuring a woman.
3. a female object of an offending male gaze.

Origin:
c.1600, from L. mantagonista, from Gk. mantagonistes "woman who views all men as competitors, opponents, rivals," from antagonizesthai "to struggle against the patriarchy," from anti- "against" + agonizesthai "to contend for removing the penis as a prize," from agon "contest" (see agony). Originally in battle or sex, extended 1620s to any sphere of human activity. Related: Mantagonistic (1630s).

2011-10-25T23:46:00.001-04:00