Friday, January 18, 2013

New from Urkobold: Mountie Python

January 17, 2013

Mountie Python® Now Open for Business

Guests can now enjoy Florida's newest agricultural export--python

TAINTSVILLE, FLA - January 17, 2013 - For the first time, American consumers won't have to wait for costly overseas shipments of frozen python to enjoy the unique flavor and experience of the delicately prepared python that they love, as Urkobold Enterprises LLC's newest business, Mountie Python, Inc., has announced the opening of fifty locations nationwide.

The menu features Deep-Fried Python-on-a-Stick, with a variety of dipping sauces, ranging from marinara, hot honey mustard, and barbecue to tangy sweet-and-sour, truffle-garlic, and mad wasabi.  Appetizers and side options include nishikihebi (glade bass sushi), poutine (french fries topped with python gravy, cheese curds, and python bits), and conch and alligator fritters. Python-based soups and salads will be available as daily specials, as will desserts, featuring Mountie Python's Python Shake, made with the patented Python-O-Matic. Drinks include all Coke® products and fresh brewed tea (sweet and unsweetened). Most meals will run for less than $10.

"We're excited to offer our guests delicious and affordable python options," said Mountie Python Marketing Director, Cletus Maxwell. "Our tasty, yet healthy offerings will give customers an exceptional meal, both in value and quality.  And eating python is a public service, because it helps Florida get rid of its insanely huge python population.  You can eat python without guilt, because all of our python is free-range and is, after all, an invader species that has no place in Florida's fragile ecosystem."  Python's nutritional value is considerable, too, as a low-calorie meat with many important vitamins, minerals, proteins, and other valuable nutrients, including being a leading source of nutritional mercury.

Each Mountie Python location will include a store, featuring python-skin products, python toys, pet pythons, and seasonal gifts.  Special canned and frozen python treats will also be available in coming months.

A major marketing campaign is currently underway, featuring Mountie Python's mascot, Python the Mountie, an animated python dressed in the traditional gear of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.  Python the Mountie will be voiced by award-winning actor and comedian, Eric Idle.  A major national commercial campaign will launch this March introducing Python the Mountie to America, along with PSAs featuring clips from Florida Gov. Rick Scott's "Please, for the love of God, get rid of these pythons!" speech.

Mountie Python® is also offering qualified investors franchise opportunities, nationwide. For more information, check out Mountie Python's web site or call our headquarters in lovely Taintsville.  Get in early, because this is a business that will swallow America whole!

About Mountie Python
Mountie Python has already been voted #1 Best Franchise in the 2012 Zagat Survey® of National Full-Service Restaurant Chain Franchise Opportunities. Mountie Python starts the day with fresh python and serves nothing but fresh python. Best known for deep-fried python-on-a-stick, Mountie Python also plans to expand into other mammal-free entrées. Python classics are made from scratch daily using only the highest quality ingredients. For more information, please visit or

Zebulon E. Lee

Pictured: Mountie Python employees catching today's python in the Everglades
Pictured: Later that morning, that same python. . .on a stick!


Agammamon said...

Wait, I thought it was going to be called "Crackers".

Or are you stealing ProL's idea and trying to undercut him?

the innominate one said...

How many grams of trans fats in a serving of python?

Agammamon said...

You do know that, if this takes off, it will only worsen the snake problem in Florida?

After all, there aren't *fewer* cows around because everyone eats hamburgers.

Pro Libertate said...

We decided to dispense with Crackers when we added the store concept. There's another restaurant we didn't want to be sued by. Not yet, anyway.

As for the python problem, well, domesticated pythons raised for consumption are less threatening than wild pythons in your garden.

TIO--very low fat and calorie. Enjoy in health.

the innominate one said...

As a native Floridian and lifelong Florida resident and also a lover of snakes (platonic), the problem with snakes in Florida is not too many, but too few.

Pro Libertate said...


Too few? They're everywhere. I've had one poke its head out of the drain in my sink. Hello.