With all of the chaos in the Middle East getting, well, more chaosier, we here at Urkobold would like to propose a new plan for ensuring long-term peace in the Middle East. The plan? Give it all back to Turkey.
The following are ten points the U.S. should formally convey to the Turks before ceding hegemony over the Middle East to them:
- Turkey must liberalize its political and economic systems and join the European Union.
- We'll give them a free hand in the Middle East, for the most part, but they have to behave like a liberal "European" nation--no ethnic cleansing, no indiscriminate slaughter.
- Steer clear of Israel--they've got nukes.
- Drill, baby, drill.
- It's not Istanbul, it's Constantinople.
- Straighten out all the crazies somehow without slaughtering everyone. We recommend a path to liberalization of the region, but Ottoman knows best!
- We'll look the other way if you decide that oil and drugs are the best basis for fixing the economies over there.
- No jihads!
- Be nice to the non-Muslims, so we don't have any political rumblings to intervene yet again. 'Cause we friggin' don't want to.
- If you don't do all of this, we'll let the Greeks have it all.