Friday, October 7, 2011

Send in the Drones

We've been warning you--don't trust killer drones!  THEY CAN'T BE TRUSTED!  But everyone laughs and laughs and thinks it's all some big joke.  

The case against drones so far:
  1. Obama seems to think that he can kill people with drones without any legal or political consequences.  I guess he sees drones like that zapping device mirror-image Kirk kept in his quarters.  I find this troubling.  Will the Republican nominee meet a cruel death at the, well, metallic appendages of a domestically operating killer drone?  What does this mean for human assassins?  More lost American jobs?
  2. Drones have escaped the control of their human operators on more than one occasion.
  3. Drones can be taken over by keyloggers and other malware:
A computer virus that logs keystrokes the has infected computers used in Nevada to remotely pilot U.S. drones over Afghanistan and other war zones, Wired reports. As far as the Pentagon knows, no classified information has been lost or transmitted outside.

The keystroke logger was first detected nearly two weeks ago at Creech Air Force Base, where most Predator and Reaper drones are guided, and has stubbornly resisted removal, sources told Noah Shachtman, who writes the Danger Room blog.

"We keep wiping it off, and it keeps coming back," one source said." We think it's benign. But we just don't know."

Shachtman writes that the infection "underscores the ongoing security risks in what has become the U.S. military's most important weapons system."

So far, however, no one is panicking.
They think it's benign? No one is panicking?  Oh, yeah?  Think again!

Wired explains in more detail this latest threat to human existence.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Urkobold's Feud with Google

TODAY THE URKOBOLD HAS LEARNED THAT SOME OBSCURE TECHNICAL COMPANY HAS, WITH IMPUNITY, INFRINGED UPON THE URKOBOLD'S RIGHTS. THE COMPANY, NAMED GOOGLE IN AN APPARENTLY ILLITERATE ATTEMPT TO TRADE OFF OF EDWARD KASNER'S NUMERICAL TERM, "GOOGOL," HAS DARED TO CREATE A NEW BEER. HERE IS THE BEER:


THE NAME OF THIS BEER? URKONTINENT. RIDICULOUS! THOUGH IT IS TRUE THAT THE POOR FOOLS BEHIND THIS ATTACK ON THE URKOBOLD'S PERSONAL DIGNITY MAY BE UR-INCONTINENT IF THEY CONTINUE THEIR FOOLISH WAYS.

WHY, YOU MAY ASK, DOES THE URKOBOLD CARE? BECAUSE THE URKOBOLD HAS SPENT MILLIONS of DEUTSCHMARKS ON REGISTERING AND PROTECTING THE TRADEMARK, URKO-_____. WHOLE LINES OF PRODUCTS DEPEND ON THIS BRANDING IDENTIFIER, INCLUDING:
  • URKONDOMS - A NEW LINE OF PADDED CONDOMS (INSPIRED BY THE SIMILARLY DECEPTIVE PADDED BRA) TO SIMULATE BUT NEVER DUPLICATE THE EXPERIENCE OF HAVING THE MASSIVE SEXUAL ORGAN OF THE URKOBOLD.
  • URKOKE - SIMILAR TO AN ATLANTA-BASED BEVERAGE COMPANY'S DRINK'S ORIGINAL RECIPE.
  • URKOMICS - PORNOGRAPHIC COMICS FEATURING SUPERTROLLS AND THEIR TROLLISH ADVENTURES. FOR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL KIDS.
  • URKODPIECE - THE URKOBOLD INTENDS TO BRING BACK CODPIECES WITH A VENGEANCE. NOT JUST THE SIMPLE KIND, BUT THE ONES THAT MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO WALK FIVE FEET BEHIND ANYONE ELSE. UNLESS YOU WANT TO MAKE A CERTAIN URKOIMPRESSION, THAT IS.
  • URKOED - A SERVICE, RATHER THAN A PRODUCT, URKOED WILL BE OFFERED TO COLLEGE STUDENTS IN SEARCH OF ATTRACTIVE ROOMMATES WHO WILL HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THEM. NOT PROSTITUTION, AS THE URKOBOLD, NOT THE URKOEDS, WILL BE PAID.
  • URKOFF - AN EXCITING NEW MASTURBATION TECHNIQUE TO BE PIONEERED BY THE URKOBOLD.
  • URKOFFEE - MMMMMM, TROLLISH COFFEE. INSTEAD OF WAKING YOU UP, A DRINK OF URKOFFEE PISSES YOU OFF.
  • URKOINS - THE URKOBOLD'S PLANNED CURRENCY IN THE EVENT THE SHIT HITS THE FAN. WHILE IT WILL BE PAPER MONEY, IT WILL BE BACKED BY THE FULL FAITH AND CREDIT OF THE URKOBOLD'S GARGANTUAN IRE.
  • URKORDION - A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT INSPIRED BY THE WHO'S "SQUEEZE BOX."
  • URKONOMICS - A NEW KIND OF ECONOMICS THAT INVOLVES ALL TRANSACTIONS IN THE ECONOMY FLOWING THROUGH THE URKOBOLD.
RELEASE THE LAWYERS!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Bouncy News

We here at Urkobold have often been critical of the media, so it's good when we can present intrepid journalists working hard at bringing people the stories that matter. I'm talking, of course about The Sun, the storied British newspaper with a long history of hard-hitting photojournalism. Specifically, I'm talking about their Page 3, and the women they have there. To give you an idea, we've included a few recent girls:

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Monkey Tuesday: Exciting New Film in the Buddy Cop Genre

One is a tough monkey from the streets.  A by-the-book cop, except when he gets really pissed.  Which is often.

His partner?  A bearded, hipster rookie.  A pain in the ass, but, partnered with his monkey colleague, he learns what it really means to be a cop.

From Urkobold Pictures, Lethal Feces.  Catch the crap in theaters: May 11, 2012.