Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Urkobold Speaks: Reader Mail

THE URKOBOLD TODAY TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO A LETTER FROM NEIL A., A 31 YEAR-OLD ENGINEER RESIDING IN COCOA BEACH, FLORIDA:

Dear Dr. Urkobold,

I'm a long-time reader of your website and of your many published papers and books.  I've noticed, over the years, that while your many minions seem to be vocal about manned space flight, you've personally been largely silent on the issue, other than that incentive program you sponsored some years ago [ed.: Probably a reference to the Lunar Sex Prize].

What is your position on manned spaceflight?  Beyond the sponsorship I mentioned before, have you been involved in any research or other space-related activities?

Best regards,

Neil A.

THE URKOBOLD'S RESPONSE:

NEIL A.,

THE URKOBOLD IS A BIG FAN OF MANNED SPACEFLIGHT AND THE POTENTIAL IT HAS TO ADVANCE HUMAN HORIZONS.  FROM ORBITAL WHORETELS, WHERE MEN WITH MEANS CAN ENJOY THE PLEASURES OF LOW-GRAVITY SEX, TO BUILDING LAGRANGE POINT ORBITAL ENCLAVES FROM WHICH TROLLS CAN POST WITHOUT FEAR OF LEGAL CONSEQUENCES OR PHYSICAL RETALIATION, THE URKOBOLD SEES SPACE AS A HUGE OPPORTUNITY.

AS FAR AS THE URKOBOLD'S DIRECT INVOLVEMENT IN SPACE GOES, THE URKOBOLD HAS INVESTED IN NUMEROUS "NEW SPACE" COMPANIES, BRIBED ANY NUMBER OF CONGRESSPERSONS AND NASA AND FAA OFFICIALS, AND HAS HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH SEVERAL ASTRONAUTS.  AND, YES, THE URKOBOLD, AS A TRAINED SCIENTIST, HAS ALSO SPONSORED SOME RESEARCH PROGRAMS ON THE SHUTTLE AND, MOST RECENTLY, ON THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.

NOT TOO LONG AGO, NASA PERFORMED AN URKOBOLD EXPERIMENT TO DETERMINE WHETHER FEMALE ASTRONAUTS COULD, IN FACT, PERFORM ACTS OF ORAL PLEASURE ON MALE ASTRONAUTS IN A ZERO GRAVITY ENVIRONMENT.  THE TEST RAN THE FULL GAMUT--FROM INITIAL STIMULATION OF THE MALE SEXUAL ORGAN TO THE POINT OF RELEASE.

UNFORTUNATELY, NASA FROWNS ON SEX IN SPACE (WHICH IS WHY THE URKOBOLD FAVORS PRIVATIZING THE SPACE PROGRAM), SO THE TEST HAD TO BE PERFORMED ON ROBONAUT 2.  HOWEVER, DESPITE NASA'S UNREASONABLE CONDITIONS THAT LIMITED THE FULL TESTING OF THE THEORY (THAT ORAL SEX IS POSSIBLE IN ZERO GRAVITY), THE TEST ON ROBONAUT 2 WAS A COMPLETE SUCCESS.  LET'S OBSERVE THE CONCLUSION OF THE EXPERIMENT:


YOURS IN COMPLETE DISREGARD TO BOURGEOIS CONCEPTS OF MORALITY,

THE URKOBOLD

7 comments:

Pro Libertate said...

Huh. I saw that video on the web and thought it was just some astronaut drinking water. Learn something new every day around here!

Strange how something innocent can instantly become pornographic.

VikingMoose said...

*puts down cheese grater*

oh yes. oh yes. instantly.

oooooooooooh

Pro Libertate said...

That hurts just to think about.

I bet NASA doesn't allow cheese graters on the ISS, because the cheese would go everywhere. So I guess no cheese on their spaghetti. That sucks.

Urkobold™ said...

THE URKOBOLD WONDERS ONE THING: DID THE ROBOT ENJOY THIS EXPERIMENT? AND DID ANYTHING HAPPEN OFF CAMERA BETWEEN THE ROBOT AND THE ASTRONAUT AFTER THE EXPERIMENT?

NASA KNOWS, BUT IT WILL NOT SHARE ITS DATA WITH THE URKOBOLD.

Pro Libertate said...

You know, I think that's Anousheh Ansari. The space tourist and one of the people behind the Ansari X-Prize.

JW said...

How in the hell did Peter North get a NASA contract? And why hasn't his happened sooner?

Urkobold™ said...

PORN? BACK OFF, MAN, THE URKOBOLD IS A SCIENTIST!

WHEN WE SHOOT PORN IN SPACE, TRUST THE URKOBOLD, THE WOMEN WILL NOT BE WEARING CLOTHING.