Friday, February 25, 2011

The Urkobold Urkoboldly Predicts the GOP Nominee for the White House in 2012

AS DISCERNING MINDS ARE AWARE, THE URKOBOLD IS A LEADING EXPERT IN THE PARIMUTUEL SPORT THAT IS AMERICAN POLITICS.  MOST RECENTLY, THE URKOBOLD PREDICTED THAT JOHN MCCAIN WOULD SELECT A HOT, YET OBSCURE, ALASKAN HILLBILLY AS HIS RUNNING MATE.

OF COURSE, AS WITH ALL OF THE URKOBOLD'S PREDICTIONS, HE WAS CORRECT.  THE OBSCURITY OF THIS PREDICTION, HOWEVER, MADE THE URKOBOLD THE GO-TO PROGNOSTICATOR FOR POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS AND BOOKIES.

THE URKOBOLD HAD PLANNED TO REVEAL HIS PREDICTION FOR THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE FOR THE 2012 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN IN APRIL; HOWEVER, A FOOLISH RUNNING OF THE MOUTH BY AN OBSCURE MINION ON AN OBSCURE BLOG HAS LET THE CAT OUT OF THE PROVERBIAL KILN.  THEREFORE, THE URKOBOLD WILL PREMATURELY DEMONSTRATE HIS WISDOM IN ALL THINGS ONCE AGAIN.

THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE FOR THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN IN 2012 WILL BE. . .HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON.

WHY, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY TO YOUR SMALL MIND, HOW HILLARY, WHO IS A KNOWN DEMOCRAT?  THERE ARE TEN REASONS WHY THE URKOBOLD BELIEVES THAT THE SECRETARY OF STATE WILL MAKE THE SWITCH AND RUN AS A REPUBLICAN.  AND WIN.
  1. HILLARY CANNOT EASILY RUN AS A DEMOCRAT.  TO DO SO WOULD BE PERCEIVED BY MANY AS A BETRAYAL AND WOULD, IN ANY CASE, DIVIDE THE PARTY.
  2. THE REPUBLICANS LACK ANY CLEAR HEIR APPARENT.
  3. HILLARY HAS DEMONSTRATED HER INEPTNESS AS SECRETARY OF STATE.  FROM THE PAST TWO ADMINISTRATIONS ALONE, IT IS CLEAR THAT AMERICANS VALUE INEPTNESS ABOVE ALL ELSE IN THEIR PRESIDENTS.
  4. SHE CAN EXPLAIN AWAY HER OPPOSITION AND SEEMING BETRAYAL OF OBAMA BY CLAIMING THAT SHE TRIED TO STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT, BUT HE JUST WOULDN'T LISTEN!
  5. SHE WOULD BE THE FIRST FEMALE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE. THIS WOULD ALLOW HER TO CARRY MUCH OF THE FEMALE VOTE, ALONG WITH THE VOTES OF SOME OF HER OTHER SUPPORTERS AMONG DEMOCRATS AND INDEPENDENTS WHO VOTE STRAIGHT IDENTITY POLITICS TICKET.
  6. SHE WAS ORIGINALLY A REPUBLICAN AND CAN CLAIM TO HAVE "SEEN THE LIGHT," CREDITING OBAMA'S MANY FAILINGS FOR OPENING HER EYES.  REPUBLICANS LOVE THE IDEA OF REDEMPTION.
  7. BILL CLINTON'S FAMOUS MOVE TO THE RIGHT AFTER 1994?  ALL HILLARY.
  8. AS SHE DID DURING THE LATE 90s AND EARLY 2000s, SHE CAN PLAY THE VICTIM CARD FOR BILL CLINTON'S MANY INFIDELITIES--THUS APPEALING TO THE "FAMILY VALUES" CROWD.
  9. NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO KILL AN ATTEMPT TO SOCIALIZE MEDICINE LIKE HILLARY CLINTON.
  10. TO AVOID THE POSSIBLE LIABILITY OF HER HUSBAND ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, SHE WILL FAKE HIS KIDNAPPING FOR THE DURATION.  SHE'LL CLAIM THAT THE KIDNAPPER IS NONE OTHER THAN OSAMA BIN LADEN.  VOWING REVENGE, SHE WILL MAKE PERSONAL THE WAR ON TERROR.

Popular misconceptions aside, Republican leaders love Hillary.
She has the respect of the military.
There are already Republicans asking her to run.
She has a nice rack, which she has strategically concealed until now.

16 comments:

the innominate one said...

HILLARY HAS DEMONSTRATED HER INEPTNESS AS SECRETARY OF STATE.  GIVEN THE PAST TWO ADMINISTRATIONS, IT IS CLEAR THAT AMERICANS VALUE INEPTNESS IN THEIR PRESIDENTS.

Only the past two administrations, my lord? Did I believe wrongly that nearly all presidential administrations provide evidence that Americans value presidential ineptitude?

Pro Libertate said...

I was wondering about that, too. I didn't think Clinton, for instance, was particularly ept.

Of course, His Trollishness may have different standards than we. Maybe it's about the number of women scored by the president or some other metric?

the innominate one said...

HILLARY HAS DEMONSTRATED HER INEPTNESS AS SECRETARY OF STATE.  GIVEN THE PAST TWO ADMINISTRATIONS, IT IS CLEAR THAT AMERICANS VALUE INEPTNESS IN THEIR PRESIDENTS.

Only the past two administrations, my lord? Did I believe wrongly that nearly all presidential administrations provide evidence that Americans value presidential ineptitude?

the innominate one said...

Damn, stupid smart phone.

Pro Libertate said...

Wow, I wouldn't have done that. The Urkobold hates redundancy.

the innominate one said...

Mayhap, but I get a pass, because I am the head of the department of redundancy department head.

Pro Libertate said...

We used to have a continuity director, but the Urkobold replaced him with a contstitute or something like.

Pham Nuwen said...

Say . . . what ever happened to nick?

the innominate one said...

That cleavage is really disturbing, possibly the most disturbing thing I've seen on this site.

Dangerman said...

Hillary can't run because she has no ankles. Res ipsa loquitur.

Pro Libertate said...

Nick M found out that he was killed in a post in 2008. So he reported to Disintegration Chamber 12.

the innominate one said...

But Bill loves cankles!

Pham Nuwen said...

Whoaha! Now THAT's a cankle. Where does the ankle stop and the calf begins? Nobody knows!

Bill said...

Which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

Pro Libertate said...

I agree with the Uber Troll--Bill definitely has to be removed for the campaign. I think he screws with her on purpose, myself, because it's crystal clear now that he is the politically astute member of that family.

He's kind of like the Charlie Sheen of politics these days.

Jacob said...

Democrats elect horrible and incompetent tyrannical leaders too. She's theirs. She'll get their nomination.