The Enormous Johnson Thread

Akbar Zeb sat down with Enormous Johnson, wanting to know why Thomas Diller (look it up) was such a big dick about that stuff. Then they went over to check out the Vera Wang question. (or whatever you call it in today's parlance)

Then they realized that when the Schwanz gets mentioned, they have to make sure the codpiece of righteousness is properly adjusted.

All the while they looked at pictures of elephant trunks.

You know, at least we're not doing lolkatz today.

Singende Piefkies

Wenn Ich Wollte
Du hast
Dos corazones (i didn't say they'd be singing in german, twaddlenock.
Away from the numbers (to see if you're paying attention)

Radar Love
Kom lad os brokke os(Germany took 'em over. so they count)

High Yield Investment Opportunity Prospect Investigation Phase Conjugate Laser Guidance Tracking System

Recently hier at URKOBOLD, we decided that some of the recurring features recur at a recrudescing rate, while worthless weeks are wasted on watery wombyisms, nonetheless it's time for action.

Abdul Abo'domo, businessman, prince, Nigerian, and internet pal of Mr. Steven Crane comes to us with this burning missive.

Upon further review, however, we believe that he really is a fraud. We did some checking and he can't possibly be a prince. Because he is actually female. We did not know that he... she was fooling us.

However, that does not stop us from being interested in High Yield Investment Opportunities. Further, there is growing suspicion that high yield might actually be better than medium yield, low yield, or, indeed, no yield investment opportunities.

High yield really holds our interest. But we don't want to take it on principle. We need to have the information. We need a plan. Since it's true that it is generally loved when a plan comes together, there is lacking ideas in how do go about finding the appropriate High Yield Investment Opportunity.

Mr. Steven Crane has been dispatched to Naboo to look into these matters a little more. There he'll run into a talking yak that has a penchant for vomiting this orange, viscus liquid whenever he gets excited. And a copy machine. That doesn't copy, but makes espresso and can walk and talk. But it really is a copy machine.

It can be a copy machine just like a drink sans gin or vodka could be a "martini".

But that's a rant for another day.

Come Celebrate the Mexican-Jewish Cultural Festival

New Wave Saturday

Wayne poured Emo Vampire another cup of coffee. They had agreed that "On A Boring Wednesday" was a feature that even Mr. Steven Crane should appreciate, but somehow it just didn't fly.

Instead, they wondered if Sulu and the Roving Reporter would find the right snax for their Big Game party. For them, the "Big Game" might not mean what you think it means. It might have a naughty component. But then again, it might not, and it might mean exactly what you think it means.

Further, the meaning that you ... well, never mind. You get the point.

But the point you get, might not be the one that was int... DAMMIT. just get on with it.

Since, "getting on" qua, "getting on" when A is A, has to be commanded to be obeyed. Or something like that.

Anyways, full frontal new wave saturday.

Sonic Youth Diamond Sea
Belouis Some Imagination

Lords of the New Church
Method to my madness
Open your Eyes
Russian Roulette

Dead Boys
Ain't it fun
Search and Destroy
and the original

Sisters of Mercy 1969
and the original

Love and Rockets Ball of Confusion
and the original (OMG!OMG!OMG! THIS. IS. AWESOME)

Rollins
Disconnect
Shine
Low SO
Illumination
We walk alone
Your number is one
INXS What you need
huh? wtf?

BR
Infected
No Control
Requiem for Dissent
The Answer
No Direction
misanthropic anthropoid
Against the Grain

CAVE
The Ship Song
Mercy Seat (I)
since this is one of the all-time awesome songs, hier are three more versions
(II)
(III)
(IV)

QotSA Little Sister
Living End Prisoner of Society
Placebo repeat
The Chameleons Soul in isolation
Jennifer Lynn et al Toxicity (violin cover
Leonard Cohen everybody knows
Tom Waits Jockey full of Bourbon
Dead Kennedys Holiday in Cambodia
Big Dipper Faith healer
Tanita Takaram Twist
cease

When Jack Wants Toast, Just Bring Him the Friggin' Toast, Man

Back when Jack was on top of the short-order world.

Achtung! Werner "Whitey" Herzog Reads Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel

* Via Neatorama.

***Update***

Here's a neat little short showing what the Super Bowl would be like if directed by certain famous directors. I include this here because the last director is none other than Herr Herzog (the full list of directors is Quentin Tarantino, David Lynch, Wes Anderson, Jean-Luc Godard, and Werner Herzog):

Help Batman Speak to Robin

. . .by using the Batman & Robin Comic Generator. Here's an example from one we did:

. . .and another:

Okay, one more inspired by The Godfather:

Sulu Friday: Having My Hippie Baby. . .Baby

Wayne Sulu Friday

Wayne resisted the urge to look at his watch. He knew that the chase would end soon. It had to. He had been tailing this mark for what seemed like ages. Wayne was fairly sure he hadn't been spotted, and this was an elaborate ruse designed either to shake him or to lure him into some sort of elaborate trap.

As they hopped the cable car, Wayne realized that it was going to get harder to tail. As the car descended, he thought for the who-knows-what time how much he hated this part of the ride. Sure it's safe, but...

Wayne made sure to hop out on the other side of the car from the mark and hesitate just a second before resuming the tail job.

As the car pulled away, he saw the mark, they made eye contact. The mark staggered, took two shuffling steps, and collapsed.

Wayne was the first one there. He had seen bodies before, and was sure that's what he was looking at now. He felt the pulse. Weak. Weaker. Nothing.

He flipped out his phone and dialed 911. He looked around. Several other people appeared to be doing the same thing. Sheesh. Probably they all think they could tail, too.

The police arrived a few moments later. Wayne didn't think he was needed there any more, and took off, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

The Best News Item Ever: Biggus Dickus Rejected as Ambassador to Saudi Arabia

From Foreign Policy (citing Salem-News.com):

A high level Pakistani diplomat has been rejected as Ambassador of Saudi Arabia because his name, Akbar Zib, equates to "Biggest Dick" in Arabic. Saudi officials, apparently overwhelmed by the idea of the name, put their foot down and gave the idea of his being posted there, the kibosh.

Foreign Policy noted in the same article that Akbar Zeb (the Internet says Zeb, not Zib) had previously been denied ambassadorships to the United Arab Emirates and Bahrain. The absolute trollishness and perseverance of the Pakistani government in continuing this joke over and over and over again is statecraft at its absolute pinnacle.

Here's to you, Akbar Zeb! We at Urkobold send you our well wishes and great hopes that you will, in fact, find a post somewhere in the world, so we can write about your exploits. Oh, and our female contributors have a few questions for you, too, if you're not busy applying for another Arab-world ambassadorship.

Additional research indicates that he was recently High Commissioner Designate of Pakistan to Canada. I think it's great that Canada is collectively comfortable enough in its manhood to accept Akbar Zeb into the Great White North. But that's like us North Americans. Manly, strong, confident in our equipment. Even our women!

The awesomeness--it hurts my mind!

Pictured: The Governor-General of Canada, seemingly satisfied with Akbar Zeb, pictured on the right.

* Via Neatorama.

***Update***

It was positively immoral of me not to post the source for all things Akbar Zeb in the English-speaking world. I stand before you ashamed and will attempt to repent as best as I can:

Internet 101: How to Respond to Spam - By Mark Twain

Pictured: Samuel Clemens posting a comment on the 1905 version of a blog ("Bully for me--first!").

In 1905, Samuel Clemens (aka Mark Twain) received the early Twentieth Century version of spam in the form of a leaflet and a sample of some ineffective snake oil. Clemens, who had lost close family members to disease, was less than pleased. Here's his response:

Nov. 20. 1905

J. H. Todd
1212 Webster St.
San Francisco, Cal.

Dear Sir,

Your letter is an insoluble puzzle to me. The handwriting is good and exhibits considerable character, and there are even traces of intelligence in what you say, yet the letter and the accompanying advertisements profess to be the work of the same hand. The person who wrote the advertisements is without doubt the most ignorant person now alive on the planet; also without doubt he is an idiot, an idiot of the 33rd degree, and scion of an ancestral procession of idiots stretching back to the Missing Link. It puzzles me to make out how the same hand could have constructed your letter and your advertisements. Puzzles fret me, puzzles annoy me, puzzles exasperate me; and always, for a moment, they arouse in me an unkind state of mind toward the person who has puzzled me. A few moments from now my resentment will have faded and passed and I shall probably even be praying for you; but while there is yet time I hasten to wish that you may take a dose of your own poison by mistake, and enter swiftly into the damnation which you and all other patent medicine assassins have so remorselessly earned and do so richly deserve.

Adieu, adieu, adieu!

Mark Twain

Amusingly vicious, as only Mark Twain could do so effectively. Learn from the master. Note that his techniques can be used to combat blog trolls, annoying neighbors, businesses from which you would like to depart, and so on.


* For a little more background and for images of the letter, go to Letters of Note (via Neatorama).

Emo Vampire sat and waited. He knew that SHE would be passing on by very soon. He wondered why SHE gave Galen and now Skyler so much attention, even when they would talk dirty about her when she wasn’t around.

He turned up the song on his Ipod. Much better. Nobody kicks it so real the way the Killers could. They really walked the edge of music, only accessible to those who understood the Real.

WHY CAN’T SHE SEE THAT I WOULD BE GOOD TO HER? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO PROVE IT?

She could write out a list of demands. He knew he could do it.
He sighed and looked down.

WHERE WAS SHE?




As he waited, he realized that he was sitting in quite the expressive way. He tried shifting positions ever so slightly to achieve maximum expression. Even by simple things such as sitting down or looking away with distain, Emo Vampire liked how he could find it in the situation to express himself, and how he understands the Real, and how he has such disdain for the cliques full of poseurs and fakes.

Emo Vampire tried a new position. No. That didn’t work. Emo Vampire sat and waited. He knew that SHE would be passing on by very soon. He wondered why SHE gave Galen and now Skyler so much attention, even when they would talk dirty about her when she wasn’t around.

He turned up the song on his Ipod. Much better. Nobody kicks it so real the way the Killers could. They really walked the edge of music, only accessible to those who understood the Real.

WHY CAN’T SHE SEE THAT I WOULD BE GOOD TO HER? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO PROVE IT?

She could write out a list of demands. He knew he could do it.

He sighed and looked down. One day she’d notice and realize.

Bollywood Laughs at the American Action Sequence! Laughs, I Tell You!

* Via Doubleviking.

Are You in Tuna with the Force?

* Via Manofest.

Salty Ham Tears Part Le Zwei (or: "Exit Stage Left")

ppppttttttffffffffff.

GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!!

tee hee.

(giggling nearly hysterically)



and don't let -- I actually don't give a fuck if the door hits you in the ass on your way out or not.

(photo credit)

Monkey Tuesday: Big Monkey, Big City

The city seems familiar to me somehow. Like a big, stinky onion with a tower formerly named for some retail store chain.

Afterthought: Who are the actors? Who directed? Is it possible that highnumber, Viking Moose, and Mr. Steven Crane are not involved in some manner? What about president whatshisname?

Monkey Tuesday: Sneak Monkey Attack Dwindlnut

Well, is it?






The only acceptable reference to Groundhog's Day, henceforth, shall be for tasty, easy recipes for GROUNDHOG.

All other references will be dealt with accordingly.

(credit)

Monkey Tuesday: Making Monkeys of Art Critics

Examine the painting above. Note the strong hand of the artist, the audacity of his use of color, the deep emotional effect of the painting. The artist was French avant-garde painter Pierre Brassau. Critically acclaimed, with a promising future, until his career was cut tragically short when he was revealed to be a chimpanzee.

Excerpt from The Museum of Hoaxes (via Cracked.com):

In 1964 four paintings by a previously unknown avant-garde French artist named Pierre Brassau were exhibited at an art show in Goteborg, Sweden. Art critics from Swedish papers praised the works. For instance, Rolf Anderberg of the morning Posten wrote: "Brassau paints with powerful strokes, but also with clear determination. His brush strokes twist with furious fastidiousness. Pierre is an artist who performs with the delicacy of a ballet dancer."

However, one critic panned Brassau's work, suggesting that "Only an ape could have done this."

As it turned out, the latter critic was correct. Pierre Brassau was, in fact, an ape. Specifically, he was a four-year-old West African chimpanzee named Peter from Sweden's Boras zoo.

* * *

Pictured: The artist at work

Like monkey art? See more from Urkobold's good friend, Koko, the Sign-Language Wielding Gorilla.

President Submits to the Glorious Power of Tampa!

Pictured from left to right: Mayor Pam Iorio, President Barack Obama, Florida Chief Financial Officer Alex Sink, Col. Larry Martin (formerly MacDill AFB Wing Commander, yesterday named head of the new Tampa Air Force), some unnamed tanned, white-haired guy, some woman, and some disembodied hand, possibly from Orlando

I've been over the whole "Why does Obama bow to everyone?" business pretty much from the beginning, as I think the president is performing badly enough in his substantive functions without piling on over something that is, after all, purely ceremonial.

However, after his recent visit to Tampa, that's all changed. Our contacts within the administration have made it clear that Mayor Pam Iorio has "the goods" on Obama and has initiated a plan to blackmail him for the rest of his term of office. Apparently, the bullet train funding was just the beginning.

What Mayor Iorio knows and what proof she has of it is unknown at this time, but I, for one, welcome the submission of the U.S. to Tampa, and I look forward to my share in the largess to come.

If you doubt this story, look at the expression on Iorio's face. She owns the man bowing down before her. Owns him! Totally!

***Update***

Our sources have just informed us that the defunding of the Constellation program is also part of Mayor Iorio's insidious blackmailing scheme. Apparently, she's forcing Obama to move the Kennedy Space Center to Tampa. Cool.

***More Updated Update***

Sources close to Mayor Iorio have stated unequivocally (but off the record) that the mayor is, in fact, blackmailing the president and that there is no truth at all to rumors that Obama bowed to Iorio in the mistaken belief that she was the ruler of a country called Tampa.

***Incredibly Timely Update***

When asked yesterday about TampaBowgatearama, Mayor Iorio waved off the incident, saying, "I don't know why such a big deal is being made of it. When people are introduced to me, they might slightly dip and say, 'Please don't destroy me.' " Iorio went on to add, "The president is a very salacious person, and that is really what it's all about. The picture, for some reason, has gone across the Internet somehow in a disparaging way to the president, which I do not understand."

Oh, I think you understand all too well, Mayor Iorio. And I support you! Soon, Tampa will rule the world like a colossus!

The Future and the Fab Four

* From scottgairdner.com (via Asylum)

Predatory Pinnipeds

You Know You're a Troll if...

1) You do that thing with that stuff whenever those things get brought up
2) You know how to answer when that guy brings up his usual thing
3) You want to make sure that the rest of the crowd knows that thingy
4) Mr. Steven Crane
5) After parties, you perform that one trick - you know - the one that's banned in most bible thumping states
6) THERE IS NO NUMBER SIX


How many more rules can you think of?