Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Monkey Tuesday: What if Jor-El Had Sent a Monkey to Earth?

Most Americans who are not secret Communist sleepers or pod-people are aware of the Superman origin story--Krypton was about to blow apart, Jor-El decided to take his family and escape, the blowing apart came early, Jor-El launched his son, Kal-El, towards Earth in a test rocket, and we got Superman and a damned fine journalist.

Less commonly known is that Krypto the Superdog, Kal-El's dog when he was a kid on Krypton, was sent to Earth to test the spacecraft that would later covey Kal-El here.  Which again proves that Jor-El was an asshole, since I'm sure some animal other than the loyal family pet would've been available, but that's a topic for another post.

Still, as brilliant as Jor-El was, you'd expect that he'd have needed more than one test of his world's first interstellar spacecraft before trusting it to safely get his family (the original plan) off of Krypton.  He probably started with a couple of unmanned prototypes, then, once he was confident that the basic systems were functional, tested it the same way we humans test spacecraft--by stuffing a monkey in it.

Some of you are probably thinking that assuming a monkey launch is silly, because an alien ecosystem wouldn't include the same species as we have on Earth or even close analogues.  Wrong!  For starters, Superman, despite his powers, couldn't look much more human.  In fact, the only thing that maybe is weird about him is that lock of hair on his forehead, and that's hardly "alien."

Another reason to suspect a parallel set of species on Krypton is the existence of Krypto, the dog mentioned above.  Looks like a regular old dog, albeit with superpowers.

So, assuming Jor-El had monkeys at his disposal (and to dispose of), what does that mean for us? Well, further assuming that the test monkey (let's call him Chi-Ta and assume he's the analogue to an Earth bonobo) survived the flight and made it to Earth, he would have, as all Kryptonian lifeforms do, superpowers.  Superman has the following powers:
  • Superhuman strength
  • Invulnerability
  • Ability to fly
  • Superhuman speed
  • X-ray vision
  • Heat vision
  • Superhuman breath
  • Superhuman hearing
  • Superhuman vision
  • Superhuman sense of smell
  • Total recall
Krypto has similar powers, though on a scale proportionate to his status as a dog to Superman's man: Pretty much everything above, with hearing and smell superior to Superman, somewhat weaker strength, and much weaker thinking capacity (probably no total recall).

Extrapolating from what we know about Superman, a primate, and Krypto, a canine, Chi-Ta would likely have the following powers:
  • Everything Superman has, with less total recall but more strength and speed
  • The ability to cast feces at the speed of light
  • As a bonobo analogue, the power of supersex, including the ability to ejaculate at super-fast velocities
  • Near-human intelligence
Like Superman, one suspects that Chi-Ta would have a secret identity, perhaps as a NASA test pilot or maybe an actor.  Would a Supermonkey be a net good or evil for the Earth?  No telling, but I think this is something that DC should explore in its constant search to figure out what the hell to do with the guy who can do pretty much anything.

Yes, I know, there was Beppo the Super-Monkey, but he was retconned out of existence, so we don't have to address him.  In fact, forget I mentioned it or that you've ever heard of him. 

***Super Update***

Having trouble forgetting Beppo?  Let HypnoMonkey help!



VM said...

good. feces faster than sound really are silent and deadly.

Pro Libertate said...

You don't piss off Chi-Ta.

the innominate one said...

If Beppo is a bonobo analogue (note the similarity of sound between Beppo and bonobo), do you think Supergirl...
no, never mind.

Pro Libertate said...

Don't be ridiculous. Supergirl has superpowers and would never stoop to such a bizarre act.

However, that means nothing vis-à-vis Chi-Ta aka Supermonkey (Beppo never existed. Ever.) and human women.

Pro Libertate said...

Perhaps you should look at the HypnoMonkey for a little while. To clear your mind of certain. . .distractions.

the innominate one said...

Is it wrong to be turned on by the hypno-monkey?

Pro Libertate said...

It's so wrong that it's right.

the innominate one said...

thank Zod.

Pro Libertate said...

I think Zod may have it in for Chi-Ta: "The Monkey of Jor-El must pay!"

Anonymous said...

Il semble que vous soyez un expert dans ce domaine, vos remarques sont tres interessantes, merci.

- Daniel