Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Resigning Your Position, Urkobold Style

Pictured: Steven Slater--A man, a plan, but no canal

Steven Slater, a graduate of the Urkobold Finishing School (Ocala Campus), fulfilled the greatest expectations of that august institution when he terminated his position at JetBlue with extreme prejudice yesterday.

Dr. Dramatischen Ausgang, Mr. Slater's professor of Advanced Occupational Renunciation at UFS, noted that "Steven was a model student, graduating with top honors. We all knew he would be a great success, but this. . .this is a true tour de force in occupational renunciation."

When asked how Mr. Slater's dramatic exit reflected upon UFS, Dr. Ausgang launched into a lengthy dissertation, excerpted here:
Steven, though capable of a supreme ad lib, chose to relieve JetBlue of their payment responsibilities by the book. Let's review his performance:

Provoke an Act of Pointless Conflict. Steven, using the subtle provocation skills our school is renown for, managed to be struck on the head by a passenger's suitcase as she pulled it down from an overhead compartment.

Indignantly Demand an Apology. Yep.

Get Your Victim to Curse at You in Frustration and Turn it Back on Him. Steven upset the passenger to the point that she said "Go fuck yourself, mother fucker!" [or a functionally equivalent curse] to Steven. Steven then grabbed the mike for the PA system and said "Go fuck yourselves, mother fuckers" [or a functionally equivalent curse] to all of the passengers, adding a special "Go fuck yourself, mother fucker!" [or a functionally equivalent curse] for the passenger with whom he had been arguing.

Grab a Refreshment. A critical part of a quality occupational renunciation that is often overlooked by students. All of that yelling and running about will give you a tremendous thirst. If you don't stop at this point to get a drink, you may not be as effective in what is, in many respects, the most important part of your renunciation--the dramatic exit. Steven, being the professional that he is, not only stopped for a refreshment, he grabbed two beers. Not enough alcohol in two beers to affect his subsequent performance, but style points galore. Bravo, Steven!

Stage a Dramatic Exit. Here, Steven showed why he was a summa cum laude and not one of the lesser cum lauders. Other than taking the controls and hijacking the plane, it is difficult to imagine a more inspired exit: He deployed the inflatable exit ramp, yelled that twenty years with the airline were enough and "It's been great!", firmly grasped his two adult beverages, and slid down the chute.

Symbolically Confirm Your Resignation. At the bottom of the chute, Steven tore off his company tie, and contemptuously allowed it to flutter to the ground.

Escape any Pursuit. Given the incredible levels of security at U.S. airports these days, I wouldn't have faulted Steven for failing this important, but noncritical, factor of a quality occupational renunciation. But nothing could stop Steven on this day. His day. He blew through terminal security like a whirlwind, jumped in his car, and drove to his home.

Get Captured in Dramatic Fashion. Typically, performed at its zenith, this involves car chases, shootouts, driving off a cliff, or some other high-profile action. Steven, being the zen master of occupational renunciation that he is, went for a more subtle approach. He got captured in his own home while engaged in the act of love. Neighbors report that he had a big smile on his face as he was escorted away by law enforcement. I bet he did.

What's next for Steven? It's been years since he was in my class, but if I had to guess, given the brilliance of his work so far, I think he was filming a sex tape when he was captured that he will no doubt release shortly. Expect Steven to do the talk show circuit and, within a year, to have his own reality and/or talk show. Fly your own friendly skies, Steven!
Our offices have been flooded with information about this incident, including some photographs. Here are a few for your viewing pleasure:

Flight attendant by day, pirate by night

Where he planned his dramatic resignation (and where he was captured)

A rare, pre-renunciation-of-occupation photo

Steven enjoying every moment of his escapade, including the heavily tattooed law enforcement officer

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Coffee, tea, or flee?

VM said...

that.
is.
awesome.

but srsly - entry level travelers are outrageous these days!

Pro Libertate said...

It's such a great resignation, there's simply no way he's not well on his way to major celebrity status.

As noted in the relevant Hit & Run comments section, he's a shoe-in for a beer commercial.

highnumber said...

The passenger who set him off, I have heard, ignored repeated requests to wait to unpack his/her carrion. Being of the good German stock that I am, I too am frustrated by dingleberries who won't obey orders and wait one f*cking minute to grab their bag. (And I'm an m-fer who is always in a hurry.)








I know what word I used up there.

Pro Libertate said...

Ve haf orders! Gehorchen!

Must be my German blood, too, because I'm all for this guy. The next senator from California.

VM said...

those types of passengers are terrible.

the ones who jump the boarding line. who take up unreasonable amounts of overhead room. put their bags in front, then walk to their seat in the back. move other passengers' carry-ons. deliberately sneeze into their seatmate's food.

the 5-foot tall people who insist on jamming their seat back as far as it goes (into my knees), and keep trying to jam it further back...

etc. etc. etc.

Pro Libertate said...

It's funny, but I used to fly a lot for work, but I haven't been in a plane for years. With a big family, we only vacation where we can drive.

Screw the airlines.

highnumber said...

Jawohl!

And how about that airline food? Huh? Amiright? Amiright?

VM said...

and why buz class rocks!!!

Pro Libertate said...

Where was the offending passenger sitting?