Monday, March 8, 2010

The Urkobold Interviews Gozer the Gozerian

There was a time, not too long ago, when Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia, bestrode New York--and the world--like a pissed-off colossus. Due to some unfortunate logistical issues, Gozer's plans to destroy Earth in 1984 were indefinitely delayed. However, Gozer has remained busy in the interim, traveling from dimension to dimension to dimension, destroying world after world after world in that trademark Gozerian fashion.

After more than a decade of pleas, bribes, and human sacrifices, Urkobold finally obtained Gozer's consent to be interviewed. Due to Gozer's staff's reluctance to allow Gozer to be questioned by a mere minion, the Urkobold himself agreed to handle the interview personally:

The Urkobold: It's our very great pleasure to welcome god and embodiment of malice, Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia, who has benevolently, but without mercy, consented to speak with us today. Good morning, Gozer! It's a pleasure to finally meet you in person.

Gozer the Gozerian: Good morning. Are you a god?

The Urkobold: [Pauses, covers microphone, and exchanges whispers with his advisers.] Um, absolutely! Would you be here simply chatting with me if I were not?

Gozer the Gozerian: Oh, good. One wearies of constantly dealing with mortals and their pathetic attempts to cling to existence and with having to talk in the divine third person about oneself. "Gozer is displeased" this and "Gozer must destroy your puny world" that. Really, we gods should get together more often, just to relax.

The Urkobold: I was going back and reading through some of your sacred texts, from Sumeria and Mesopotamia, and one of the things I found interesting is your self-obsession at such a young age—very confident of your place in the pantheon, such as it were. Where do you think that came from?

Gozer the Gozerian: Well, I suppose it's inherent in being a god. I wouldn't get very far acting like a weakling, now would I? And subjugating mortals and demanding their worship is hard enough without starting the whole business off with some remark like, "Hi, I'm Gozer. I'm not the most powerful god out there, but would you mind sacrificing some animals to me, anyway? I'd really appreciate it." Gah!

The Urkobold: I always wonder about superbeings who experience so much success when they’re so young. How do you think it affected your dominion over mortals or your religion in general?

Gozer the Gozerian: No doubt, my early successes made me a little cocky. I've experienced setbacks over the years, some recent enough to be embarrassing, but kill horrifically and learn, I always say! [Laughs demonically.]

The Urkobold: Speaking of setbacks, do you mind if I ask about the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper?

Gozer the Gozerian: Not at all. I tired of their incompetence several years ago and consigned them to the flames. It's true--a god is only as good as his demigod minions.

The Urkobold: I won't insult you by digging into your failure to destroy this world in 1984, but that unfortunate turn of events does raise a question: Why do you allow those who challenge you to choose the form of The Destructor--i.e., the version of you that will carry out the planetary annihilation?

Gozer the Gozerian: It all started during the rectification of the Vuldronaii. A temple priestess tried to tempt Gozer--sorry, I mean me--into some sort of bizarre sex act common in that universe. It involved a Torb and several tubs of a grease-like substance. Rather than burning the planet to a cinder with pure, cleansing flame, as had been my tool of choice previously, I took the form of a Torb and, well, rectified the populace.

The Urkobold
: Rectified?

Gozer the Gozerian: You don't want to know.

The Urkobold: Okay, let me see if I understand this properly. If I think of something, you'll destroy the world using whatever I'm thinking of?

Gozer the Gozerian: Yes, except that I only do that with mortals, not gods.

The Urkobold: [Shooing away his advisers' urgent whispers.] I see. Very well, I lied. I'm mortal, and I'm imagining a slow, lingering death over the next century through terrific, frequent sex with Salma the Hayekian.

Gozer the Gozerian: The Choice is made! [Waves hands, disappears.]

The new form(s) of the Destructor?

24 comments:

VM said...

brilliant!

Pro Libertate said...

I looked at the trap, Ray!

Egon Spengler said...

I looked at her tits, Ray!

Anonymous said...

Well... that's quiet interessting but actually i have a hard time visualizing it... wonder what others have to say..

Thoreau said...

I'm struggling to find a "Don't cross the streams!" joke that doesn't completely gross me out, and I just can't find it.

VikingMoose said...

check the trap, doktor T

Pro Libertate said...

Gozer is a known cross-streamer.

Thoreau said...

Should we bait the trap? Or bate it?

Thoreau said...

Should the trap be baited? Or bated?

Pro Libertate said...

I discussed this with the Urkobold at our weekly touch base. He first told me to remind you that a state of war still exists between Him, His operations and you and yours. That said, he told me to tell you off the record that this is definitely a batin' situation.

Thoreau said...

Why let a state of war get in the way of some fun on the internet?

Pro Libertate said...

The Urkobold is a big fan of Miss Manners, and she said it was impolite not to remind your foe of the state of war before having discussions about other topics. She also indicates that the term "tits" is deprecated and that the term "rack" is more appropriate in civil society.

Thoreau said...

Well, the state of war is a superposition of Evil Fiziks Victory, URKOBOLD Victory, and stalemate. And the coefficients depend on which reference frame you're in. In my reference frame the state is Evil Fiziks Victory, and I'm busy building an unlicensed handheld particle accelerator to destroy the Destructor.

Don't worry, I'll let you enjoy 99.9 years of your century-long end of the world before I destroy the Destructor.

Pro Libertate said...

You'll fail, due to your physicistical distrust of others. Without a second and third unlicensed, handheld particle accelerator, you will have no streams to cross.

We laugh at your inability to save the world!

Thoreau said...

The new models come with built-in beam splitters and simultaneous-focusing mechanics for the on-board production and crossing of multiple streams at a user-defined location.

And with the advances in fuel cell technology, one device can produce 5 streams, each of them on their own exceeding the combined power of 3 streams in the older models.

In other words: Back off, man. I'm a scientist.

Pro Libertate said...

Another flaw in your plan is that crossing the streams is bad.

Thoreau said...

Which is why the latest devices come with a switch so the mirrors are only activated to cross the streams if the user determines that the end of the world is neigh and needs to cross the streams to destroy the Destructor. Otherwise the device operates in non-crossing mode.

Don't you know anything?

VikingMoose said...

are you suggesting he read up on "laser" technology before he embarrasses himself any further?

Pro Libertate said...

I've read your publications. You know nothing of superstream theory.

Thoreau said...

You lack the security clearance to read my superstream publications.

Pro Libertate said...

Besides, superstream theory is useless--it lacks falsifiability. Smart physicists are focusing on Gozerum gravity.

Thoreau said...

Superstream theory is totally falsifiable: The theory predicts that crossing the streams is bad, except when confronting an angry Sumerian deity bent on destroying the world. So, if one were to find a case where crossing the streams was good, and there WASN'T an angry Sumerian deity bent on destroying the world, the theory would be falsified. Alternately, if one crossed the streams in the presence of an angry Sumerian deity bent on global destruction, and the outcome was not good, then the theory would again be falsified.

Pro Libertate said...

What you fail to consider is the possibility of a superposition between stream-crossing states, and, more importantly, that gods other than the Sumerian gods exist in nature. Limited thinking.

Richard Feynman said...

QED firmly establishes that the Destructor has a nice set of bongos, which I would like to play.