Happy Lab Whore Day!

MANY SCIENTISTS AND OTHERS WHO WORK IN A LABORATORICAL ENVIRONMENT ASK THE URKOBOLD, "WHAT KIND OF WOMAN* MAKES THE BEST LAB WHORE?" IT'S A GOOD QUESTION, BECAUSE CONGRESS HAS NEVER SEEN FIT TO PRODUCE STANDARDS OR OTHERWISE REGULATE THIS CRITICAL PROFESSION. SINCE TODAY IS LAB WHORE DAY, THE URKOBOLD WILL DEIGN TO REGALE HIS READERSHIP WITH HIS OPINION ON THIS IMPORTANT TOPIC. LET US REVIEW THE TOP TEN CHARACTERISTICS (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER) OF ANY GOOD LAB WHORE:

1. A GOOD LAB WHORE WEARS LITTLE OR NOTHING UNDER HER (MANDATORY) LAB COAT:

2. A GOOD LAB WHORE LOOKS HOT IN HEAVILY RIMMED, SCIENTIST-LIKE GLASSES. OR WITHOUT THEM:

3. A GOOD LAB WHORE WILL MAKE HERSELF AVAILABLE WHEREVER YOU WANT HER--EVEN IN SPACE:

4. A GOOD LAB WHORE SHOULD BE AS KINKY AS THE OCCASION WARRANTS:

5. A GOOD LAB WHORE SHOULD BE SKILLED IN HANDLING YOUR EQUIPMENT:

6. A GOOD LAB WHORE SHOULD BE WELL-VERSED IN LAB SAFETY:

7. IF YOU ARE AN AGED SCIENTIST, A GOOD LAB WHORE SHOULD HAVE BASIC MEDICAL EXPERTISE:

8. A GOOD LAB WHORE SHOULD ALWAYS BRING A CHANGE OF CLOTHES TO WORK:

9. A GOOD LAB WHORE IS ALWAYS WILLING TO ACT AS A HUMAN TEST SUBJECT FOR YOUR LATEST HIDEOUSLY DANGEROUS EXPERIMENT:

10. A GOOD LAB WHORE CAN PROCURE YOUR SPECIAL "MEDICINE" AND MANAGE ALL OF YOUR PRESCRIPTION DRUG NEEDS:

HAPPY LAB WHORE DAY, URKOBOLD READERS!

* Men can be lab whores, too. Unfortunately, Urkobold Labs LLC has a strict policy requiring discrimination on the basis of sex.

New Wave Saturday

Provided that Emo Vampire doesn't ruin this for everybody, hier is NWS.

Beborn Beton
Sleeping Beauty
Another World

Suburban Lawns
Janitor
Gidget Goes to Hell (redux)
Flying Saucer Safari
Green Eyes

X
Los Angeles
Jonny H&R Pauline
Nausea

Oingo Boingo
Stay
Dead Man's (actually really fun vid)
LGs
Vultures
Sweat


more sweat...

thanks to posters. credit the artists. go out and buy their stuff.

Werner Herzog: "It is not a significant bullet."

Yeah, Werner gets shot during an interview. No big deal. I mean, the man lives in Los Angeles, after all. And rumor has it that he threatened to shoot Kinski on the set of Aguirre, der Zorn Gottes (Aguirre: The Wrath of God), so he's clearly comfortable around firearms.

Sulu Friday: Sulu Porn

Might as well get this over with. Hustler recently released a porn version of Star Trek, doubtlessly timed to capitalize on the recent "reboot" nonsense. I had read about this on io9 a while back, but I suppose I owe it to our readers to share the preview below, which is, by the way, safe for work. Y'all are on your own if you want to find and watch the whole thing.

Sulu's apparently in this, too. Can't tell from the preview whether he gets any porn-specific airtime or is merely a supporting character included to advance the plot [ed.: Porn has plots?]. In TOS, he didn't get much action (unlike his buddy Chekov), which may not bode well for the young helmsman in this new iteration of Star Trek.

Wayne Sulu Friday

Sulu kept examining the paper, "Beware the Evil Sandwich" it read.

Sulu was used to this. Someone with a "hot lead" or a "killer tip", or some such would stop by, of course with great story, anecdotes, contradictions, and Mr. Tuff Gai asides, and finally, for 50 bucks (flow through cost to client as an expense), would give some sort of clue or message or useless faux observation (Sulu never ceased to be amazed at what the lay person thought "observation" was).

Sulu shrugged. He really didn't care if these Tuff Gais were around or not - they were just part of the landscape, they neither helped nor hindered. But they sure like playing stuff like this up when they're arguing at the local tavern.

As he walked....

EMO VAMPIRE! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? FOR THAT, TODAY'S NOIR DETECTIVE STORY INVOLVING THAT CUTE COUPLE, WAYNE AND SULU, WILL BE CANCELED.

Haggis Apology

After offending the Western world with my earlier post on [shudder] v--------n haggis, I feel the need to provide our readership with a palate cleanser. Therefore, may I present to you a sequel to my post from last year ("Haggis: The New Sushi?") about the exciting world of haggis-flavored products!

Mmmmm, Haggis-flavored yogurt (great tasting and good for ye!):

Haggis and gummy bears--two great tastes that taste great together:

Haggis-flavored Pop-Tarts--now frosted!:

Haggis cereal, fortified with essential minerals, vitamins, and offal:

Ode to a Haggis
by Robert Burns

Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great Chieftan o’ the Puddin-race!
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang’s my arm

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
You pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o’need
While thro’ your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead

His knife see Rustic-labour dight,
An’ cut you up wi’ ready slight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright
Like onie ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reeking, rich!

Then, horn for horn they stretch an’ strive,
Deil tak the hindmost, on they drive,
Till a’ their weel-swall’d kytes belyve
Are bent like drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive
Bethankit hums

Is there that owre his French ragout,
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi’ perfect sconner,
Looks down wi’ sneering, scornfu’ view
On sic a dinner?

Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As feckless as a wither’d rash
His spindle-shank a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit;
Thro’ bluidy flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!

But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread,
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He’ll mak it whissle;
An’ legs, an’ arms an’ heads will sned,
Like taps o’ thrissle

Ye pow’rs wha mak mankind your care,
An’ dish them out their bill o’fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu’ pray’r,
Gie her a Haggis!

Vampire Thursday: Emo Vampire

Emo Vampire is grounded. He knows what he did. His mother is not allowing us to witness what is transpiring in his lair.


Today's Vampire Thursday has been canceled.


That is all.

Abomination Wednesday: I Abominably Post a Vegetarian Haggis Recipe!

In researching the horrifically evil canned vegetarian haggis posting from earlier today, I ran across this site where someone actually made and ate a vegetarian haggis. Here's the menu for the occasion:

Starter: Tomatoes stuffed with Guacamole

Main Course: Vegetarian Haggis with Cinnamon Tomato Sauce, accompanied by Tatties and Neeps Rosti and Steamed Broccolini

Dessert: Fresh Fruit Platter with Condensed Milk Fudge Sauce

To Drink: Apricot and Strawberry Punch

Everything is fine with me except for the offensive-in-a-Biblical-way vegetarian haggis, which is, of course, a cuisinical oxymoron. Since there's no way anyone in this audience would ever do something so crass and vulgar as to make vegetarian haggis, I'll risk posting the recipe. But please be warned--this is disgusting:

Vegetarian Haggis (follow the link to see a non-metric version of the recipe)
Serves 4-6

⅔ cup (65g) rolled oats
⅔ cup (65g) oatmeal
generous ½ cup (65g) mixed nuts, finely chopped (I used almonds, pecans, cashews)
65g margarine or butter
1 large carrot (I used two medium)
1 large onion
125g mushrooms
½ x 400g can kidney beans (a generous ½ cup)
65g vegetarian suet or butter (optional – I used 20g butter)
½ tsp yeast extract
1 tbsp whisky or more
1 tsp freshly ground pepper (or more)
Juice of ½ lemon (or 1 lime)
3 tsp dried herbs

Melt half the margarine and cook oats, oatmeal and nuts for about 3 minutes over medium heat in a large frypan. Transfer to a large bowl

Finely chop carrot, onion, mushroom, and beans. It is easiest to use a food processor so the mixture is very fine. Melt remaining margarine in the frypan and fry the vegetables and beans for about 2 minutes. Return oats and nut mixture to the frypan with the vegetable mixture. Mix in the remaining ingredients and cook another 5 minutes.

Place in a greased and lined loaf tin – I used my 13 x 22cm silicone loaf pan (and found my mum was right in advising I didn’t need to grease it). Press down and smooth with the back of a spoon. Cook 40 minutes in a moderate oven. I cooked mine 30 minutes and cooled in the pan. I reheated it in the pan in the microwave the next night – it is quite fragile and this was the best way of keeping it together.

You can leave out the suet, but the recipe warns it might get dry and need some vegetable stock – but I found that it was moist enough with only 20g extra butter.

For those of you who have been injured in the brain or were raised by wolves, an earlier post here provides a link to a haggis recipe and a haggis-making instruction video from Urkobold's good friend, Alton Brown.

On A Boring Wednesday

Duncan handled it like a champ. Sascha peddled harder, knowing that Per and Gag Ball were waiting, and making them wait has its own, special brand of payback. They used to call it "comeuppance", but that wasn't always accurate, you know.

Duncan glimmered in the sun, his gears freshly oiled, brakes adjusted, and the banana seat was adorned with a flag.

Sascha waited impatiently at a red light, "mustn't keep them waiting".

"Mustn't"...."must taint".....

Sascha lost his thoughts for a few moments in musty taints, and wondered if there were such a product such as "taint de-muster", or "taintoderant" or "tantiperspirant"...

He looked up, Corner of Cedar and Lee.

That's it. With bated (ahem) breath, he rang the bell

Abomination Wednesday: Abominable Cuisine

What follows is an affront to both God and man (viewer discretion is advised):

What's happened to our cousins in the UK? First they lost their empire, then they banned swords and installed cameras every ten feet. Oh, I'm sorry, that's every ten decimeters, 'cause they banned the English system of measurement, too. Along with their perfectly crapulent monetary system: "That'll be a guinea and three farthings, guv." Gone--it's all decimalised currency and Euros now. Today, we see an even greater abomination--vegetarian haggis. Is this the end?

God save the king. Oh, wait, they don't have one of those anymore, either. Eeeeeyaaaaaaaaahhhh!

***Update***

It gets worse. The Daily Mail reported yesterday that Britain's largest golf course company had banned Eye Candy Caddies, a "controversial new caddy service which provides attractive, nubile women to carry players' clubs", from its courses. Egad, United Kingdom, egad.

Monkey Tuesday: Son of Monkey Political Commentary

They may take our lives, but they'll never take. . .OUR FREEDOM!

As noted in a special Urkobold news report in June, Zambian monkey protesters invoked their right to petition their government for grievances by urinating on President Rupiah Banda. Rather than taking this commentary in stride, Banda has instead launched a personal vendetta against Zambian monkeys by--

• Trying to make a joke out of the incident ("It's a blessing!"), belittling the just complaints of his monkey constituents.
• Threatening to enslave and serve as a meal the monkey who actually urinated on him: "Oh, it has urinated on me. I will donate it to Sata. He should have it for lunch this afternoon."
  
• Darkly implying that this incident is just what he needs to seize more power in Zambia ("Banda suggested that being urinated on by the monkey may bring him good luck, the BBC said, without elaborating") [emphasis added].
• Establishing a "No-Monkey Zone" within a two-mile radius of the presidential palace.
• As reported by The Daily Nation, blaming renegade monkeys for almost drowning then-Minister of Defense George Mpombo just two weeks after the incident--could this be the Zambian Kristallnacht?
• Shipping the protesting monkeys to the "Munda Wanga Botanical Gardens", suspected by Amnesty International of being a concentration camp for the politically aberrant.

Bike Thief Vengeance Monday on Tuesday: Threat Issuance

Playboy Interviews Koko

From a 1986 Playboy "20Q" [20 Questions]:

20Q: Koko

By Robert Crane (December 1, 1986)

Our favorite animal to go ape over sign language tells us what it's like to have hands on her feet and why her friend Michael is the gorilla of her dreams. Koko is the most celebrated gorilla in the world, and for good reason. She is the first gorilla that can use a human language. Dr. Penny Patterson has been her teacher since Koko's birth and is the director of The Gorilla Foundation in Woodside, California, where Koko now lives.

Robert Crane interviewed Koko, with Dr. Patterson acting as interpreter. He reports, "Koko, 15 years old and 230 pounds, sat poised and ready in her open-air living area. She looked me in the eye and, using American Sign Language, commanded, 'Show me your teeth,' which I respectfully did. She was delighted by the enormous amount of gold and silver in my mouth. Her mate, Michael, 13 and 350 pounds, who shares quarters with her, never looked me in the eye--something to do with the fact that I was a stranger and a male.

"Koko and Michael, who have an occasional spat, are, for the most part, nonaggressive. They are the subjects of an ongoing study by the foundation's research team. Both gorillas seem happy and, in Koko's case, willing to deal with media attention."

Q1 Playboy: Who are smarter, gorillas or humans?

Koko: Koko Devil. Gorilla Koko love good.

Q2 Playboy: What is the most fun to do?

Koko: Please eat. Please eat.

Q3 Playboy: What makes you happy?

Koko: [Slaps her chest] Gorilla Koko love good. Koko love good fake tooth. [Fake tooth is Koko's sign for a gold dental cap or crown.] Feel Devil know. Gorilla polite happy Koko.

Q4 Playboy: Do you think Michael is cute?

Koko: Cute [signed with two hands for emphasis equaling very cute] sweet good.

Q5 Playboy: What's better than bananas?

Koko: Corn.

Q6 Playboy: What's the difference between boys and girls?

Koko: Corn there [points toward floor] good. [Koko gets corn, because her floor is clean. Michael doesn't, because his is dirty. The morning before the interview took place, Michael hadn't received a corn treat, because he had urinated on the floor. The gorillas are toilet trained.] Girl people. [Koko thinks of herself as a person and of Michael as an animal.]

Q7 Playboy: Which sex smells better?

Koko: Girl girl.

Q8 Playboy: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Koko: Polite want good. Gorilla good.

Q9 Playboy: What don't people understand?

Koko: Sorry good. [When I say I'm sorry and I'll be good] Frown look lip [her sign for female] pimple [people] fake tooth. [They frown when I want to look at women's fake teeth.] Gorilla don't know Koko love good. [Gorillas and people don't know that Koko loves to be good.]

Q10 Playboy: What do you think of our language?

Koko: Fake lie good.

Q11 Playboy: What's your most troublesome thought?

Koko: That. [Points toward gold-foil pattern on one of her scraps of fabric. Koko wants a gold tooth so badly that the night before, she had put a piece of gold braid into her mouth and swallowed it. Koko puts the gold foil against her first right upper molar, as if trying to make her tooth a gold one.]

Q12 Playboy: When is the kitten more trouble than it's worth?

Koko: Cat bad good. Frown eat there. [Points to her cereal--referring to the fact that her cat has, on occasion, eaten it]

Q13 Playboy: What's it like having hands on your feet?

Koko: Good there [floor] there [mesh fence]. [They're good for use on the floor and on the fence.]

Q14 Playboy: What does it mean when you slap your chest?

Koko: Gorilla good. Drink hurry good drink me. [Koko beats her chest to intimidate Penny, to get her to give her drinks, which have been restricted for a medical test.]

Q15 Playboy: What do you want for your birthday?

Koko: Earrings. Cookie.

Q16 Playboy: What do you say when you really want to insult people?

Koko: Dirty. Devil head.

Q17 Playboy: How do you feel when you've eaten too much cake?

Koko: Sad bad stomach.

Q18 Playboy: What would you eat for the sheer pleasure of it?

Koko: Champagne.

Q19 Playboy: Is there anything else you want people to know about you?

Koko: Me gorilla gorilla me Koko good. Finished.

Q20 Playboy: What do you say when you're tired of being asked questions?

Koko: Gorilla teeth. Finished.

See this and other 20Qs (including one of Max Headroom--remember him?).

Monkey Tuesday: Jasper Fforde and Mark Leyner Bathing Spider Monkeys While Douglas Adams is Mourned

Monkey Tuesday: Ask Spiritual Monkeh

Monkey Tuesday: A Monkey Goes Ape-Shit

Monkey Tuesday: Cop Force Feeds Gorilla with Pop-Tarts