Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Catholic Church Damns Busty Pirate Statue, Damns it to Hell

Here's the view from the statue's owner (from WNEP):
Father Commolly commanded the owners to remove it.

"He pointed to the statue and very dictatorially said, 'I curse you. I curse this place. I want to see this destroyed. I want her destroyed,'" said pirate owner Peggy Kanigoski.
Naturally, the priest denies everything and also states categorically that he "did not have sexual relations with that statue!"

So, who will win? It's the Church versus an antique store pirate with ample cleavage. Stay tuned!

Monkey Tuesday: The Return of Hitman Monkey

Monkey Tuesday Word of the Day: Simoleon

Today's word of the day is a little different than our standard word of the day entry. Usually, we either highlight a word we like that doesn't get much play in English, or we just make up a word for the heck of it. Today, however, we correct a misapprehension about a real word. That word is simoleon. Here's a typical dictionary entry (from The American Heritage Dictionary) for the term:
si·mo·le·on (sĭ-mō'lē-ən)

noun (slang)
1. A dollar.

[Origin unknown.]
"Origin unknown?" Wrong. The derivation is totally self-evident. Note the similarity* between the word "simoleon" and a recent Urkobold word of the day, "simiolus." Simiolus is, of course, Latin for "little ape" and stems from the Latin root word for ape, simia. Therefore, it clearly follows that "simoleon" refers to the number of dollars it once cost to buy a monkey. Q.E.D.

Pictured: One simoleon

* "Similarity" is commonly believed to be derived from the Latin, similis, or "like", but this, too, is a mistaken belief. In
fact, "similarity" stems from simia. People can't tell two apes apart, so other things that are as like as apes are, hence, "similar."

Monday, April 6, 2009

Death Scene Contest II: Samuel L. Jackson vs. Christopher George

Mr. Jackson:


Mr. George:


Frankly, this may not be a fair comparison. Sam gets a lot of pre-death acting in, but not so much during the dying. Chris is all about the dying.

Oh, and here's the previous contest between Shatner and Takei. I think Shatner won.

Reposted because one vote by the author wasn't enough, dammit.

Breaking News: Spitzer Blames Gremlins for His Fall

Eliot Spitzer submitted to a hard-hitting Today Show interview this morning where he frankly responded to questions about the scandal that brought his political career to a hip-grinding halt. Aside from all the "egregious mistake" crap one expects from a lawyer/politician caught with his hands where they ought not to be, Spitzer was crystal clear and honest about where the blame should fall. . .on "the gremlins":
"There are no excuses," he told interviewer Matt Lauer. "I have tried to address these gremlins and confront them."
Just who these gremlins were, Spitzer did not say. However, our crack research team has come up with several possible answers:

1. Gremlins, as in "imaginary gnomelike creature[s] to whom mechanical problems, especially in aircraft, are attributed":


2. Gremlin, as in the car:


3. "Gremlins" as in a heretofore unknown slang term for a woman's bosom:

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Urkobold Redesigns The State Flags

Here we see the current Florida flag. The confederate influenced stripes and the "Great Seal" are part and parcel of this woefully outdated flag. The Great Seal appears to show some old lady dropping a bunch of flowers on the ground while a ship sails in the background. The old lady is definitely Florida, but the rest of it is about as representative of Florida as a wood burning stove.


Waving boldly in the breeze, the new state flag of Florida shows a scene that is truly Floridian: a drunk college girl falls off the balcony during spring break while the Space Shuttle soars magnificently in the background.


You Realize, Of Course, that Some People Just Plain Suck

they know who they are.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

The MSM Can be Useful at Times...

10 Cars That Sank Detroit

Hint:

This is one of them




(credit the author, Rick N., H/T Blitz)

Werner Herzog is remaking one of my favorite films!

The heartwarming story of a loving father and devoted husband who is forced to balance his family's love against the public safety, Bad Lieutenant is being remade with Nicolas Cage in the role Harvey Keitel made synonymous with Ward Cleaver and Jesus Christ.

Mr Keitel had this to say.

Abel Ferrara was a bit more sanguine about the reimagining of his directorial masterpiece:
"I wish these people die in hell. I hope they're all in the same streetcar, and it blows up."


The highly conciliatory Herzog (typical) responded, cryptically:
"Let him fight the windmills, like Don Quixote."


Don Quixote was unavailable for comment, but Nic Cage is reported to be uncomfortably anxious for filming to begin.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Breaking News: Human Physicists Now Obsolete

Pictured: Adam, an improvement on human physicists

From TechNewsWorld:
A machine about the size of a pickup truck has successfully carried out a science experiment without human aid. 'Adam,' as it's known, set a hypothesis concerning yeast, carried out genetic experiments, and reached conclusions based on its results.
Granted, this particular exercise in the scientific method only involved removing the need for humans in molecular biology, but we're confident this robot or something just like it will destroy the careers of human physicists before the end of the year.

You can learn more about this amazing breakthrough at Aberystwyth University's (yeah, that's in Wales) "Robot Scientist" web page dedicated to the project. The page is curiously silent about the fate of the scientists to be displaced, but we figure that's just to give them "plausible deniability."

So long, physicists, and thanks for all the fish.

Pictured: The now obsolete and pointless physicist

***UPDATE***

In a further blow to the prestige of physicists everywhere, this woman--
--"turned out to have a higher IQ than a nuclear physicist", according to an article in Ananova. Not only is this 100% true, the very same article had this to say about this supergeniusmodel:
Iris, who previously admitted one of her ambitions was to have sex with one guy and three other girls, was Slovenia's Miss Universe contestant in 2002.

Sulu Friday: More on the "Black Sulu" Scandal

Wayne Sulu Friday

Wayne savored the sip of bourbon on his tongue, as the vapors drifted about. He looked over his glass at the Snitch and kept listening.

The Snitch (he preferred to have the article accompany his title) was an expert at nothing more than secondary research over the internet. But with a twist. He could find subscription information free. That was one reason Wayne enjoyed using him as a resource. The fact that he owned this bar was the other. It was on the house.

Wayne watched the Snitch talk with his hands. Very expressive, and he marveled how the Snitch could gesture, point, pontificate, and otherwise signal with his hands while holding a full shotglass and cigarette in one hand. Consequently, this was the hand that did most of the talking.

The Snitch paused, checked his cell phone, grunted, turned it off, and skidded it across the bar, still mainly empty at 2 o'clock on a sunny afternoon.

While this obviously a signal that Something Happened, Wayne did not know if it was related to this case, if the Snitch snitched for someone else, or if it was one of his waitstaff calling in sick.

At any rate, it didn't seem to distract the Snitch from his story anymore. Wayne took a deep breath and resumed his multi-sensory conversation.

Wayne had met the Snitch years before. In fact, Wayne had rescued him from kidnappers who had mistaken him for the son of a wealthy businessman. The kidnappers had threatened to get ugly, and Wayne did get ugly, brutally taking their mistaken prize from them, unharmed and no worse for wear. In doing so, the kidnappers became sort of local celebrities as a band of misfit idiots who were more of a danger to themselves than anything else. Eventually they got gunned down while robbing what they thought was a bank, but turned out to be a clothier.

For that, the Snitch, as it should be, perpetually owes Wayne, or so the Snitch maintains. Wayne did acknowledge that he does pay for the information, so it's not really that exploitative. And he caters a mean party.

Wayne got up. They shook hands, and Wayne headed for the door. He blinked for a moment in the bright sun. He turned right and headed on his way.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

More on "Witches in Bikinis"

Apparently, this band has its own Monkey Tuesday theme going--here's another monkey-related song:

Calling King Kong
(vocals: Karen Weatherwax)
Music and Lyrics by: Bill Rozar

I appreciate your sensitivity
And all the little things that you do for me
I enjoy your sharp and subtle wit
Knowing that you will always be appropriate.

But every now and then
I feel a tingle deep inside
A primitive pagan passion
That must be satisfied.

So if you hear the beating of my big gong
It means I’m calling King Kong
‘Cause when I start the banging on my big gong
You better be my King Kong
Calling King Kong
Calling King Kong

Don’t get me wrong I need my flowers and wine
Someone who knows how to dance and how to dine
I appreciate your style and grace,
Your neatly-trimmed appearance and your clean-shaven face.

But every now and then
I feel a rumble in my soul
That’s when you need to play a different kind of role

So if you hear the beating of my big gong
It means I’m calling King Kong
‘Cause when I start the banging on my big gong
You better be my King Kong
Calling King Kong
Calling King Kong

Can you kill the mighty beast that’s coming after me?
Then beat your chest and lift me up to set my passion free?
Can you be my King Kong?

Calling King Kong
Calling King Kong
Calling King Kong
Calling King Kong

On a Boring Wednesday.



Weibskobold wants a new purse!!!