The Smiths This Charming Man
Information Society What's on Your Mind
Tears for Fears Change and Mad World
Brian Ferry and Roxy Music More than This
Depeche Mode Question of Time
Soft Cell Tainted Love
When in Rome The Promise
Pop Up Video version of a Rick Roll
Modern English Someone's Calling
The Jam Funeral Pyre
New Order Procession
thanks to posters. credit. go out and buy their stuff.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Wayne Sulu Friday
Sulu paused. The mark had not behaved normally. He doubled back several times, but due to the pedestrian traffic, it was impossible for him to recognize any doubles. Or if he could, he wouldn't be doing this job...
Remaining calm, not forcing or hurrying any action, Sulu was able to keep the mark in his sights. Was this the person who could give any insight to the working over of Wayne? Was this the person who could give any insight to anything whatsoever?
Sulu knew he didn't have time for such questions, as he dodged behind a delivery truck that promised its contents would provide exactly the precise business solution that your small business needed (it wasn't "improved cash", by the way, nor was it a bullshit bushie-obama bailout).
He waited for a second, and ran across the street, dodging a bus along the way. This way, he knew, he would avoid the double spot trap.
He watched across the street as another gentleman, as Sulu preferred to call his likeness, which is oh so common on the streets of San Francisco, was accosted by several tough looking ruffians with no sense of style and was dragged into a dark doorway.
Better you than me, pal. Thanks for pointing out the working over team.
Sulu didn't have time to play good samaritan... he had to do the job. Although he tried, the guilt of what happened wouldn't let go. He forced himself to concentrate on the job. Remember what happened...
A delivery truck passed between Sulu and the mark, spoiling his view of the doorway in which the potential thuggery was happening. When it passed, the mark and the thugs were gone.
A trap? Sulu wondered. He paused. In his world, that question usually meant it was too late. He turned and walked into a haberdashery, as if he were a worldly gent, looking for a new adornment.
He reached for his phone and sent a quick text to several people; the same message.
"May I help you, Sir", was the polite greeting of the worldly salesperson to the worldly client.
Oh, boy oh boy, can you! thought Sulu as the beginnings of the plan started to take shape.
Remaining calm, not forcing or hurrying any action, Sulu was able to keep the mark in his sights. Was this the person who could give any insight to the working over of Wayne? Was this the person who could give any insight to anything whatsoever?
Sulu knew he didn't have time for such questions, as he dodged behind a delivery truck that promised its contents would provide exactly the precise business solution that your small business needed (it wasn't "improved cash", by the way, nor was it a bullshit bushie-obama bailout).
He waited for a second, and ran across the street, dodging a bus along the way. This way, he knew, he would avoid the double spot trap.
He watched across the street as another gentleman, as Sulu preferred to call his likeness, which is oh so common on the streets of San Francisco, was accosted by several tough looking ruffians with no sense of style and was dragged into a dark doorway.
Better you than me, pal. Thanks for pointing out the working over team.
Sulu didn't have time to play good samaritan... he had to do the job. Although he tried, the guilt of what happened wouldn't let go. He forced himself to concentrate on the job. Remember what happened...
A delivery truck passed between Sulu and the mark, spoiling his view of the doorway in which the potential thuggery was happening. When it passed, the mark and the thugs were gone.
A trap? Sulu wondered. He paused. In his world, that question usually meant it was too late. He turned and walked into a haberdashery, as if he were a worldly gent, looking for a new adornment.
He reached for his phone and sent a quick text to several people; the same message.
"May I help you, Sir", was the polite greeting of the worldly salesperson to the worldly client.
Oh, boy oh boy, can you! thought Sulu as the beginnings of the plan started to take shape.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Vampire Thursday: Emo Vampire
Emo Vampire liked his new outfit. Definitely styling.
It would definitely be the hit at tomorrow's dance. SHE would be there. He sighed. But so would Galen. WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN HIM? HE TALKS DIRTY THINGS ABOUT HER IN THE LOCKER ROOM. IT'S NOT FAIR THAT SHE DOESN'T SEE IT.
He walked around, trying out different gaits that would make his new outfit all the more striking. TAKE THIS. I'LL BE THE HIT. PEOPLE WILL COME UP TO ME AND TALK, AND THEN SHE'LL SEE.
He tried a particularly fancy pose, where he went down on one knee, and had his other leg at a dramatic angle, and he peered into the depths of only that which he could see. They just couldn't see it when it gets real. It's all about the Real. He knew it. The poseurs, the rest of them - none of them. They're all about the surface, not when it gets real. When it does, they bail.
YOU THINK YOU CAN TELL THEM THINGS, AND THEY BLABBER TO EVERYONE. Emo Vampire fought back tears and the urge to lash out in frustration. EVERYBODY GETS CAUGHT LIKE THAT ONCE IN A WHILE. I DIDN'T HAVE THE LOCK ON MY LAIR FIXED. Through the blur, he saw the corner of the table. THAT'S IT! He took a deep breath and pulled his calf over the it. The red line and the sting put everything back into perspective. He would go tomorrow!
HE WOULD BE FANTASTIC.
SHE WOULD NOTICE. SHE WOULD POINT AND LAUGH AT GALEN AND GO WITH HIM. THEY WOULD DANCE TO COLDPLAY. THEY WOULD GO FOR A WALK. THE MOON WILL SHINE BEAUTIFULLY OVER HER. SHE WILL TAKE A STEP TOWARDS HIM...
and then...
The knocking on the door to his lair was loud and persistent, and it jarred Emo Vampire back to hier and now. He sighed. Suddenly the outfit didn't feel as styling anymore.
Maybe I shouldn't go after all. He sighed. Not even the mighty punk rockers Green Day could salvage the moment. He felt a flashover, where all of a sudden, he gets really hot, but just for a second, then starts sweating.
He headed upstairs and paused to look in his mirror [ed: it's a fucking special mirror that fucking vampires use. they need to primp and preen, too!].
He shuffled his foot on the stair, and headed up.
photo credits
It would definitely be the hit at tomorrow's dance. SHE would be there. He sighed. But so would Galen. WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN HIM? HE TALKS DIRTY THINGS ABOUT HER IN THE LOCKER ROOM. IT'S NOT FAIR THAT SHE DOESN'T SEE IT.
He walked around, trying out different gaits that would make his new outfit all the more striking. TAKE THIS. I'LL BE THE HIT. PEOPLE WILL COME UP TO ME AND TALK, AND THEN SHE'LL SEE.
He tried a particularly fancy pose, where he went down on one knee, and had his other leg at a dramatic angle, and he peered into the depths of only that which he could see. They just couldn't see it when it gets real. It's all about the Real. He knew it. The poseurs, the rest of them - none of them. They're all about the surface, not when it gets real. When it does, they bail.
YOU THINK YOU CAN TELL THEM THINGS, AND THEY BLABBER TO EVERYONE. Emo Vampire fought back tears and the urge to lash out in frustration. EVERYBODY GETS CAUGHT LIKE THAT ONCE IN A WHILE. I DIDN'T HAVE THE LOCK ON MY LAIR FIXED. Through the blur, he saw the corner of the table. THAT'S IT! He took a deep breath and pulled his calf over the it. The red line and the sting put everything back into perspective. He would go tomorrow!
HE WOULD BE FANTASTIC.
SHE WOULD NOTICE. SHE WOULD POINT AND LAUGH AT GALEN AND GO WITH HIM. THEY WOULD DANCE TO COLDPLAY. THEY WOULD GO FOR A WALK. THE MOON WILL SHINE BEAUTIFULLY OVER HER. SHE WILL TAKE A STEP TOWARDS HIM...
and then...
The knocking on the door to his lair was loud and persistent, and it jarred Emo Vampire back to hier and now. He sighed. Suddenly the outfit didn't feel as styling anymore.
Maybe I shouldn't go after all. He sighed. Not even the mighty punk rockers Green Day could salvage the moment. He felt a flashover, where all of a sudden, he gets really hot, but just for a second, then starts sweating.
He headed upstairs and paused to look in his mirror [ed: it's a fucking special mirror that fucking vampires use. they need to primp and preen, too!].
He shuffled his foot on the stair, and headed up.
photo credits
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Joke's Over!
Ha ha ha! We sure had a good time messing about with the mysterious disappearance of Mr Steven Crane, didn't we? Ho ho ho! He was kidnapped by the Monkees or scientists or something. Tee hee hee! It's always Day 69 of the ordeal. Snicker titter snort!
All right, all this joking aside. Mr Steven Crane has been BUSY. WORKING. On a MUSIC CAREER.
We wish Mr Steven Crane the best of luck and thank him for his years of contributions and appreciate that he used the Weibskobold in his little video. We look forward to the children's edition.
All right, all this joking aside. Mr Steven Crane has been BUSY. WORKING. On a MUSIC CAREER.
We wish Mr Steven Crane the best of luck and thank him for his years of contributions and appreciate that he used the Weibskobold in his little video. We look forward to the children's edition.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
"Don't you do that again. Idiot."
The admonition from the “lady” in the van portended a day of questions, not answers. Whom was she speaking to? The cab driver? His windows were all rolled up. He seemed to not be paying her the least bit of attention. Me? I had just crossed the street against the signal, but she could not have seen that – she was halfway down the block and, besides, I had not crossed against her flow of traffic anyway.
And regardless of whom she was admonishing, how did she expect to enforce her edict?
And if the intended target was an idiot how could she even expect her instructions to be followed?
Time, already, for me to pop two Excedrin and trudge on with my day.
And regardless of whom she was admonishing, how did she expect to enforce her edict?
And if the intended target was an idiot how could she even expect her instructions to be followed?
Time, already, for me to pop two Excedrin and trudge on with my day.
Monkey Tuesday: Late Night with Koko the Gorilla
NBC: Talk show with Jimmy Fallon? What talk show with Jimmy Fallon?Citing Jimmy Fallon's "total crapitude" and "lack of any sense of comedic timing or interview skills", NBC announced today that a single airing of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon was more than sufficient to determine that Fallon needed to be replaced, and replaced fast. This morning, NBC not only gave Fallon the boot, it decided to continue the Late Night franchise with none other than Koko, the Talking Gorilla.
Why Koko, a gorilla with no previous talk show experience? Creative Artists Agency, Fallon's agent, fearing that Fallon might be less than successful as Conan O'Brien's successor, had inserted what it viewed as a "poison pill" clause in Fallon's agreement with NBC: In the event that NBC fired Fallon before the end of the first season, NBC could not replace him with anyone other than Koko. An unnamed source at Creative Artists said, "We figured there was no way Jimmy could suck so badly that NBC would go with a gorilla that can't even speak. I mean, come on! Frankly, we were surprised that NBC allowed us to sneak in that clause in the first place."
Although Koko was not available for comment--presumably due to her need to scramble to prepare for her first show--her publicist did state that Koko was excited by this opportunity and would "bring a new level of energy" to NBC. Her publicist also insisted that Koko could juggle the demanding schedule of a nightly talk show with her Food Network cooking show, Koko Cooks!, slated to launch in October.
The format of the show is still unclear, but apparently the "Paul Shaffer" role will be filled by some sort of yet-to-be-named sex-starved monkey.
Below are publicity stills that NBC has just released:
Why Koko, a gorilla with no previous talk show experience? Creative Artists Agency, Fallon's agent, fearing that Fallon might be less than successful as Conan O'Brien's successor, had inserted what it viewed as a "poison pill" clause in Fallon's agreement with NBC: In the event that NBC fired Fallon before the end of the first season, NBC could not replace him with anyone other than Koko. An unnamed source at Creative Artists said, "We figured there was no way Jimmy could suck so badly that NBC would go with a gorilla that can't even speak. I mean, come on! Frankly, we were surprised that NBC allowed us to sneak in that clause in the first place."
Although Koko was not available for comment--presumably due to her need to scramble to prepare for her first show--her publicist did state that Koko was excited by this opportunity and would "bring a new level of energy" to NBC. Her publicist also insisted that Koko could juggle the demanding schedule of a nightly talk show with her Food Network cooking show, Koko Cooks!, slated to launch in October.
The format of the show is still unclear, but apparently the "Paul Shaffer" role will be filled by some sort of yet-to-be-named sex-starved monkey.
Below are publicity stills that NBC has just released:
Pictured: Proposed opening shot for Late Night with Koko the Gorilla.
Pictured: Koko writing her opening monologue.
Pictured: Koko reviewing tape of slated guests with her producer at NBC.***Breaking news!***
It turns out that Koko's proposed sidekick is none other than an old friend of Conan O'Brien, who, like Conan, earned his chops writing for The Harvard Lampoon:
It turns out that Koko's proposed sidekick is none other than an old friend of Conan O'Brien, who, like Conan, earned his chops writing for The Harvard Lampoon:
Monkey Tuesday: Monkey Threat Diminished
To avoid the suboptimal conquest of humanity by the guys pictured above, scientists have developed a strain of HIV that infects monkeys. Although the new simian-tailored disease does not yet affect the more critical gorilla, chimpanzee, and orangutan populations, this is the first step in preventing some kind of planet of the apes. Bravo, men of science, bravo!
Shatner-Takei Feud--Breaking News!
As Canada continues to weather an unprecedented constitutional crisis and public rejection of pretty much all of Canada's leadership, Canadian William Shatner has, shockingly, suggested that he should be the next Prime Minister of Canada. Laughing off proposals that he become the next Governor General, Shatner insists that only the Prime Ministership is worthy of the Shat:My intention is to be Prime Minister of Canada, not Governor General, which is mainly a ceremonial position. . . . As Prime Minister I can lead Canada into even greater exploits.
So far, no one in the media has asked Shatner whether this move into politics is related to the election of his nemesis, George Takei, to the Vice Presidency of the United States. However, Urkobold is confident that this is just one more attempt by Shatner to eclipse the success of Takei.For those who doubt the chances of Shatner realizing his dream, let us just say that the near religious zeal that Canadians have for their favorite son can overcome any obstacles. After all, how many American towns are named for TV shows that President Obama starred in?
Pictured: Statue erected in honor of all things Trek in Vulcan, Alberta.Monkey Tuesday: Shocking Development
No, we still are searching for Mr. Steven Crane who's been missing for 69 days. We believe that he is in the clutches of the evil fiziks types.
No, dear readers. This is far more shocking. We have a potential case of simiancide. Worse yet, it appears as though this ruffian-type behavior was encouraged by several members of URKOBOLD's staff.
(pauses while the giggles from saying "Member" and "staff" titter away.)
((pauses some more while more giggles ensue from saying "titter"))
ahem.
Such behavior is quite shocking indeed, and we will get to the bottom of this.
Starting out, we would like to show you what the cameras picked up. The audio has been painstakingly reproduced and appears at the bottom of the still:
While we do believe we have identified the voice, the blue ribbon panel, personally selected by the Weibskobold:
Apparently, this was a multitasking blue ribbon panel selection.
Upon rewinding the tape, we see how it progressed:
However, we're still investigating how this started...
ah yes... hier it is...
We believe that the one monkey took an "improper mulligan".
Others say it began at a rough bar full of thugs from Bombay to Calcutta.
Stay tuned, gentle readers. Stay tuned.
No, dear readers. This is far more shocking. We have a potential case of simiancide. Worse yet, it appears as though this ruffian-type behavior was encouraged by several members of URKOBOLD's staff.
(pauses while the giggles from saying "Member" and "staff" titter away.)
((pauses some more while more giggles ensue from saying "titter"))
ahem.
Such behavior is quite shocking indeed, and we will get to the bottom of this.
Starting out, we would like to show you what the cameras picked up. The audio has been painstakingly reproduced and appears at the bottom of the still:
While we do believe we have identified the voice, the blue ribbon panel, personally selected by the Weibskobold:
Apparently, this was a multitasking blue ribbon panel selection.
Upon rewinding the tape, we see how it progressed:
However, we're still investigating how this started...
ah yes... hier it is...
We believe that the one monkey took an "improper mulligan".
Others say it began at a rough bar full of thugs from Bombay to Calcutta.
Stay tuned, gentle readers. Stay tuned.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Real Life, Courtesy of Facebook
Actual Status Updates with comments:
and
M******* A******** lost her Diamond Star Necklace at work.
on Friday
S******* W***** H***** at 12:37pm February 27
Oh no, I hope you find it!!!!
M******* A******** at 1:40pm February 27
Are u kidding? Nobody is going to return it. This is Government, everyones a thief.
and
[highnumber] wonders if anyone else is listening to Gorilla Biscuits as they wash dishes. 12:01am
Wine Commonsewer at 12:18am February 27
Real Men don't wash dishes. They fling them at the fireplace and leave the shattered remains for the woman to clean up.
All seriousness aside, my good buddy, Stevie the Spy, called me up one night and asked for help. I arrived and he invited me to the kitchen where his very drunk and very pissed off Taiwanese bride was in the process of breaking every dish in the house. It was right out of Dagwood and Blondie. The broken crockery was at least three inches deep on the kitchen floor. She'd reach into the cupboard, pull out a bowl or plate, hold it at arms length and let go. At the crash she'd holler some drunken obscenity at Steve. I wish I had pictures.
[highnumber] at 12:25am February 27
I am awed by your anecdote.
Wine Commonsewer at 12:37am February 27
I was awed to be a witness.
I was supposed to have drinks with him before he left town this week........
J**** P*** Z***** at 1:32am February 27
Wow. You actually do the flinging? Huh...
[highnumber's next door neighbor] at 7:53am February 27
Sorry to butt in here-but that was an incredible story! Where I grew up we called that "justifiable homicide".
Wine Commonsewer at 10:30am February 27
Justifiable homicide indeed. The crazy thing is that this girl broke every dish in the house several different times before Stevie kicked her to the curb.
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