Here's an early Valentines gift for our readers, one of the sweetest love songs ever recorded.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
New Wave Saturday
The Prids Let it go
New Model Army I love the world
The Alarm The Stand
Repo Man opening and closing Dick Rude is in the movie, too. as is Zander Schloss
The Plimsouls 1,000,000 miles away
Blind Melon No Rain, Tones of Home
Soul Asylum Black Gold
Let's do this one again - Captain Sensible Wot
Belle Stars Sign of the Times
Blancmange Living on the Ceiling
Go Gos Head Over Heels
thanks. credit. go out and buy their stuff.
New Model Army I love the world
The Alarm The Stand
Repo Man opening and closing Dick Rude is in the movie, too. as is Zander Schloss
The Plimsouls 1,000,000 miles away
Blind Melon No Rain, Tones of Home
Soul Asylum Black Gold
Let's do this one again - Captain Sensible Wot
Belle Stars Sign of the Times
Blancmange Living on the Ceiling
Go Gos Head Over Heels
thanks. credit. go out and buy their stuff.
Friday, February 6, 2009
SUUUUUULUUUUUUU!!!!
Now available through URKOBOLD™ enterprises: William Shatner action figure #6: Angry at George Takei. Pretend that William Shatner has just read Takei's memoirs!
Wayne Sulu Friday
With a screech the silver Lincoln Town car accelerated. Sulu tensed and, at the last second, dove headlong to the right. The driver sensed Sulu was going to spring aside, and tried to correct the course.
The rear tires of the Lincoln started losing traction, as the car began to fishtail. It hit the curb, jumped it, and crashed driver's side first into a wall.
Sulu slowly got up, and walked over to the car. By this time, the driver had regained consciousness and was struggling to get up. By this time, onlookers and several policemen had converged on the car, thwarting Sulu's plan of a quick interrogation before the authorities arrived.
The expected several hours at the police station answering questions, however, didn't arrive. Instead, the cops listened to the driver's statement, and concluded he lost control of the car. The man was whisked away in an ambulance, and the cops took the car.
So much for clues.
Sulu reached for his phone, texted a short message, and waited for a reply. While he waited, he headed back down the hill towards Clay street. From there, he turned right and walked to Portsmouth Square. At Stockton, he turned left, and quickly turned right and headed for a cafe at the corner of Ross Alley. Sulu smiled about how all absurd this was.
He sat down and ordered.
It was a diner that was supposed to look like a diner. While it lacked the blatant poseur atmosphere of Sanchez's place, it nonetheless provided the image necessary for Sulu. Formulating a plan with atmosphere, and a bit of humor is exactly how to do it.
The vibration in Sulu's phone informed him that his text was answered. He read it, smiled, and answered. That's the perfect idea.
He finished his double-caf-half-caf-skim-soy-chai-latte in an ergonomically-pleasing, environmentally-friendly, made from 110% post consumer product trough, and hailed a cab. He walked to the Transamerica building, the one for which the San Francisco skyline is known, and hailed a cab up Montgomery. The cab ascended the hill, crossed Market, and made a left on Mission.
Sulu got out and looked at the building. The Cartoon Art Museum was always an amusing place to meet up with your run-of-the mill tough guys who fancied themselves much tougher and James Bondesque than they really were. Sulu was used to that. He was relieved, however, that the "wise guy" faux tough guy, so prevalent on the east coast, hadn't infested his world. Better Bond than a Rocky wanna be.
He proceeded to the gift shop, or "museum store", as they prefer it.
He found a perfect location where he could watch both doors, but had a way out through the employee's exit, and pretended to read a book about cartoons in wartime.
He waited.
The rear tires of the Lincoln started losing traction, as the car began to fishtail. It hit the curb, jumped it, and crashed driver's side first into a wall.
Sulu slowly got up, and walked over to the car. By this time, the driver had regained consciousness and was struggling to get up. By this time, onlookers and several policemen had converged on the car, thwarting Sulu's plan of a quick interrogation before the authorities arrived.
The expected several hours at the police station answering questions, however, didn't arrive. Instead, the cops listened to the driver's statement, and concluded he lost control of the car. The man was whisked away in an ambulance, and the cops took the car.
So much for clues.
Sulu reached for his phone, texted a short message, and waited for a reply. While he waited, he headed back down the hill towards Clay street. From there, he turned right and walked to Portsmouth Square. At Stockton, he turned left, and quickly turned right and headed for a cafe at the corner of Ross Alley. Sulu smiled about how all absurd this was.
He sat down and ordered.
It was a diner that was supposed to look like a diner. While it lacked the blatant poseur atmosphere of Sanchez's place, it nonetheless provided the image necessary for Sulu. Formulating a plan with atmosphere, and a bit of humor is exactly how to do it.
The vibration in Sulu's phone informed him that his text was answered. He read it, smiled, and answered. That's the perfect idea.
He finished his double-caf-half-caf-skim-soy-chai-latte in an ergonomically-pleasing, environmentally-friendly, made from 110% post consumer product trough, and hailed a cab. He walked to the Transamerica building, the one for which the San Francisco skyline is known, and hailed a cab up Montgomery. The cab ascended the hill, crossed Market, and made a left on Mission.
Sulu got out and looked at the building. The Cartoon Art Museum was always an amusing place to meet up with your run-of-the mill tough guys who fancied themselves much tougher and James Bondesque than they really were. Sulu was used to that. He was relieved, however, that the "wise guy" faux tough guy, so prevalent on the east coast, hadn't infested his world. Better Bond than a Rocky wanna be.
He proceeded to the gift shop, or "museum store", as they prefer it.
He found a perfect location where he could watch both doors, but had a way out through the employee's exit, and pretended to read a book about cartoons in wartime.
He waited.
Sulu Friday: Uh. Oh
The Shat shows no mercy. And Vice President Takei quietly plots his revenge.
Aside from insulting Sulu, Shatner also recently remembered Khaaaaan! Khaaaaan!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Why Not?
The notoriously antipolitical URKOBOLD has decided, against better judgment, the advice of attorneys, and the voices in his head, to enter the political arena. No, no, dear reader, not as a candidate - the URKOBOLD would never stoop so low, at least not for money or power. Maybe for sex. Of course, for sex. You, yourself, dear reader can attest to that. (By the way, did you bring the latex suits or the assortment of belts? Don't tell me. Blindfold me and we'll make it a surprise!) URKOBOLD has begun introducing his first slate of candidates:
Dan Fore, homeless unless you can live at a PO Box, has won his first battle in his fight to be included on the ballot for village trustee in Oak Park, Illinois. More power to him, this citizen says.
This flyer is totally unrelated to the above post
Dan Fore, homeless unless you can live at a PO Box, has won his first battle in his fight to be included on the ballot for village trustee in Oak Park, Illinois. More power to him, this citizen says.
This flyer is totally unrelated to the above postVampire Thursday?
I'm not sure I agree with my esteemed elg colleague. I think having a vampire Thursday will lead to all sorts of tasteless displays. For example:
while this may appeal to the prurient interests of the few, or rather of the most, we should ask ourselves if it is truly within the bounds of what URKOBOLD is all about. Before you say "yes, you f*cking moron, of course that's what URKOBOLD is all about", consider this -
Now think about that photo. Are we potentially driving away female readership - either or both women could stop reading - by posting it, or other pictures such as this:?
Or this?
And, need I remind you, it's only a short jump from photos like the one above to ones like the one below:
In summary, I'd just like to say that I stopped writing because I couldn't keep up the pretense of being a scold while posting naughty pictures , but I have no problem admitting that here, because you're probably either distracted by the pics, or else disgusted with the whole thing, so I figure I can pretty much say what I want at this point. Yah boo! Hip hip hooray! Phillips is a German and he have my pen.
Reflections of 2009
With the year rapidly passing, we need to take a moment and reflect on everything that's happened this year.
phew.
that was a good one.
You better watch out. You're on Highnumber's List.
*fixes glare at one of you. You know who you are*
phew.
that was a good one.
You better watch out. You're on Highnumber's List.
*fixes glare at one of you. You know who you are*
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
New TV Season Sneak Preview: Eliot Spitzer's Whore Search
Although the premiere of Eliot Spitzer's Whore Search (CBS) (one of the many shows in our 2009 slate) is an achingly long seven months away, some of my co-workers at Urkobold Productions have kindly shared with me more details about the new show:
Setting. The series will be shot primarily in the Urkobold studios in New York; however, Eliot's Whore Search Command Center ("HoCo") will be located at Room 871 of the Renaissance Mayflower Hotel:
Setting. The series will be shot primarily in the Urkobold studios in New York; however, Eliot's Whore Search Command Center ("HoCo") will be located at Room 871 of the Renaissance Mayflower Hotel:
Renaissance Mayflower Hotel, Room 871A number of location shoots are planned, as well, ranging from sunset shoots in Key West to skinny dipping scenes in the mountain streams of Tennessee.
Promotions. Here are stills from several ad campaigns that will begin running in May:
Contestants. Eliot plans to start with 100 girls, but we've managed to get a sneak peek at a few:
Good luck on your new show, Eliot! Break a leg!
Shocking Development: Day 69 Since the Abduction of Mr. Steven Crane
Dateline:
Taintsville, FL
Parma, OH
Batesville, IN
As the dawn breaks on day 69 of Mr. Steven Crane's capture, there is a shocking new development afoot. Apparently, his mobile communication device, which had gone missing, has been recovered.
Teh Authorataez are examining it to see if it is his, and whether it can give any insight into where the Evil Fiziks Types are holding him capture.
The spokes "person" for the police elaborates:
"We examined the device, and after extensive discussion over donuts, we initiated several no-knock raids on unrelated citizenry. However, this endeavor proved to be disappointing, as nobody was home, so we couldn't taze anybody or shoot any family pets"
Analysts did not even make eye contact to ask questions, as they fear for their safety, given how absolutely fucking corrupt the fuzz has become [NB: this might need to be rephrased, "always has been"]
When one analyst mustered enough courage to ask a question, he was immediately tazed in the jumblies. At this point, the police "man" explained why. He's a little bit moody
While none of this explains the whereabouts of Mr. Steven Crane, it doesn't explain anything.
During the search, several brave souls videotaped the police search when they allegedly found the communications device. At great risk, the roving reporter smuggled the video to remote hosting in Norway (the citizens of which are safer from the police than hier). We have submitted it below.
The person who filmed this, only said his name is Michael Phelps. What his relation to Mr. Steven Crane is remains unknown and under investigation. If any relationship can be established, Mr. Phelps may be deported to Gitmo, forced to watch "the View" for 18 straight hours, and return his personal bail out stimulus package check.
In the meantime, attempts to contact the Evil Fiziks Types has failed, as they evidently have strung a new theory together, thereby disappearing. Teh Authorataez promise to be distracted by other, irrelevant ventures before coming back to their exhaustive search of areas nearby.
And Mr. Steven Crane is still captured.
Day 69 since his capture is upon us with no end in sight.
Reporting on behalf of the URKOBOLD network, this is the Roving Reporter, KBLD, Taintsville.
Taintsville, FL
Parma, OH
Batesville, IN
As the dawn breaks on day 69 of Mr. Steven Crane's capture, there is a shocking new development afoot. Apparently, his mobile communication device, which had gone missing, has been recovered.
Teh Authorataez are examining it to see if it is his, and whether it can give any insight into where the Evil Fiziks Types are holding him capture.
The spokes "person" for the police elaborates:
"We examined the device, and after extensive discussion over donuts, we initiated several no-knock raids on unrelated citizenry. However, this endeavor proved to be disappointing, as nobody was home, so we couldn't taze anybody or shoot any family pets"
Analysts did not even make eye contact to ask questions, as they fear for their safety, given how absolutely fucking corrupt the fuzz has become [NB: this might need to be rephrased, "always has been"]
When one analyst mustered enough courage to ask a question, he was immediately tazed in the jumblies. At this point, the police "man" explained why. He's a little bit moody
While none of this explains the whereabouts of Mr. Steven Crane, it doesn't explain anything.
During the search, several brave souls videotaped the police search when they allegedly found the communications device. At great risk, the roving reporter smuggled the video to remote hosting in Norway (the citizens of which are safer from the police than hier). We have submitted it below.
The person who filmed this, only said his name is Michael Phelps. What his relation to Mr. Steven Crane is remains unknown and under investigation. If any relationship can be established, Mr. Phelps may be deported to Gitmo, forced to watch "the View" for 18 straight hours, and return his personal bail out stimulus package check.
In the meantime, attempts to contact the Evil Fiziks Types has failed, as they evidently have strung a new theory together, thereby disappearing. Teh Authorataez promise to be distracted by other, irrelevant ventures before coming back to their exhaustive search of areas nearby.
And Mr. Steven Crane is still captured.
Day 69 since his capture is upon us with no end in sight.
Reporting on behalf of the URKOBOLD network, this is the Roving Reporter, KBLD, Taintsville.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Monkey Tuesday: Monkey Protester/Living God
From Reuters:
There is a more in-depth look at this stand-off between this lone, libertarian monkey and his government at oneIndia, but the most important line from that article is this: "[T]he 'monkey saviour' is being worshipped as the incarnation of Lord Hanuman by people."
Doesn't take much before people kneel before monkeys, does it?
Jan 31, 2009
In India's southern Karnataka, a monkey prevents the authorities from demolishing a roadside temple by attacking officials who venture near the temple premises.
The bizarre incident saw the monkey defending the temple dedicated to the Hindu monkey god, Hanuman. Locals said the monkey normally did not harm anybody, but surprisingly turned hostile towards the officials who came with the intention of demolishing the temple.
--Reuters
There is a more in-depth look at this stand-off between this lone, libertarian monkey and his government at oneIndia, but the most important line from that article is this: "[T]he 'monkey saviour' is being worshipped as the incarnation of Lord Hanuman by people."Doesn't take much before people kneel before monkeys, does it?
Monkey Tuesday: Monkeycize
Want those huge, throbbing bicepts?
Killer abs?
Pleasantly firm tookas?
But...
You're out of shape. Embarrassed about spring break. Fearing the "desperate so enthusiastic" tag at Daytona Beach?
Fear not. Whip yerself in wiked pissah shape in no time.
It's MONKEYCIZE! Get huge. Impress the dandies and ladies alike!
That's right. This video, 59.99 (currency as yet undetermined), will get you that killer bod you've always wanted.
Testimonials:
Mr. Cranie Stevens of Walla Walla, WA
FUCKIN A! Damn straight.
Here is a Before:
Here is an After:
Remember: Monkeycize. It's for the children.
Killer abs?
Pleasantly firm tookas?
But...
You're out of shape. Embarrassed about spring break. Fearing the "desperate so enthusiastic" tag at Daytona Beach?
Fear not. Whip yerself in wiked pissah shape in no time.
It's MONKEYCIZE! Get huge. Impress the dandies and ladies alike!
That's right. This video, 59.99 (currency as yet undetermined), will get you that killer bod you've always wanted.
Testimonials:
Mr. Cranie Stevens of Walla Walla, WA
FUCKIN A! Damn straight.
Here is a Before:
Here is an After:
Remember: Monkeycize. It's for the children.
Monday, February 2, 2009
URKOBOLD Announces New Japanese Office!
"After long planning, URKOBOLD is happy to announce the opening of its first Japanese office. Japan's large presence on the Internet demands extensive trolling, and the office in Takeshita, Fukuoka Prefecture will allow for this. The office extends the Ãœber-troll's global reacharound, and will certainly result in massive economic profit, which shall be ruthlessly hoarded."
As the trembling spokes sub-minion said these words, we knew we were entering a new era. The haggis fritter crumbs littering his coat were shaking with more than fear - it was anticipation, and the knowledge that he was a part of history, at least for the next few minutes in which he would remain alive.
"Many have asked why the URKOBOLD would do this now, in the midst of a global recession. The answer is that the URKOBOLD has been very stimulated, and even if He hadn't been, He fears no recession. We suspect that the Weibskobold is taking a breather, and is possibly polishing her lobster."
Here are some photos of the joyous occasion:
Naturally, many applied for positions within the URKOBOLD's domain. Here is one applicant going through the rigorous screening process:
Negotiations with local merchants were generally favorable, due to the URKOBOLD's finesse.
Local functional equivalents for the Weibskobold had to be found. Fortunately, this was not a problem.
The local population was so happy with the URKOBOLD's new presence in their area, they spontaneously had a parade.
Eight Best "Drunk Jeff Goldblum" Videos
From Videogum (by way of Cracked.com). I won't list them all here, but here's apparently the one that started them all:
These don't have the truthfulness of the Hoff video, since Goldblum is merely slooooowwweeed down and is not, apparently, actually drunk, but they work all the same. He's got that inherent weirdness thing going for him, as well.
Wonder if this would work for Walken?
These don't have the truthfulness of the Hoff video, since Goldblum is merely slooooowwweeed down and is not, apparently, actually drunk, but they work all the same. He's got that inherent weirdness thing going for him, as well.
Wonder if this would work for Walken?
Palate Cleanser
THE URKOBOLD WISHES TO CLEANSE THE OPTICAL PALATES OF HIMSELF AND HIS READERSHIP AFTER LAST WEEK'S UNFORTUNATE POSTING. PLEASE VIEW THIS BANNED SUPER BOWL VIDEO IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN BUNK.
FOR THE RECORD, PETA LEFT OUT A KEY PIECE OF INFORMATION WHEN IT SAID THAT "VEGETARIANS HAVE BETTER SEX." THE STATEMENT SHOULD HAVE READ, "VEGETARIANS HAVE BETTER SEX THAN PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A HUNGER STRIKE."
PETA UPDATE:
THE URKOBOLD, FIRMLY IN THE CARNIVORE CATEGORY (PREFERABLY INVOLVING AN ANIMAL THAT DIED AT OR NEAR THE DINING TABLE, OR, BETTER YET, IN THE URKOBOLD'S MAW), WAS VIRTUALLY UNAWARE OF THIS PETA ORGANIZATION UNTIL TODAY. HOWEVER, ONE OF THE URKOBOLD'S MINIONS HAS BROUGHT TO THE URKOBOLD INFORMATION TO THE EFFECT THAT PETA'S DEDICATION TO ANTI-ANIMAL CRUELTY COMES SECOND, OR EVEN THIRD, BEHIND ITS DESIRE TO PROMOTE NAKED WOMEN. BEHOLD:
THE URKOBOLD IS PLEASED. WHO CARES ABOUT ANIMALS, ANYWAY? NAKED, HOT WOMEN--NOW THAT'S SOMETHING THE URKOBOLD CAN GET BEHIND.
FOR THE RECORD, PETA LEFT OUT A KEY PIECE OF INFORMATION WHEN IT SAID THAT "VEGETARIANS HAVE BETTER SEX." THE STATEMENT SHOULD HAVE READ, "VEGETARIANS HAVE BETTER SEX THAN PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A HUNGER STRIKE."
PETA UPDATE:
THE URKOBOLD, FIRMLY IN THE CARNIVORE CATEGORY (PREFERABLY INVOLVING AN ANIMAL THAT DIED AT OR NEAR THE DINING TABLE, OR, BETTER YET, IN THE URKOBOLD'S MAW), WAS VIRTUALLY UNAWARE OF THIS PETA ORGANIZATION UNTIL TODAY. HOWEVER, ONE OF THE URKOBOLD'S MINIONS HAS BROUGHT TO THE URKOBOLD INFORMATION TO THE EFFECT THAT PETA'S DEDICATION TO ANTI-ANIMAL CRUELTY COMES SECOND, OR EVEN THIRD, BEHIND ITS DESIRE TO PROMOTE NAKED WOMEN. BEHOLD:
THE URKOBOLD IS PLEASED. WHO CARES ABOUT ANIMALS, ANYWAY? NAKED, HOT WOMEN--NOW THAT'S SOMETHING THE URKOBOLD CAN GET BEHIND.Sunday, February 1, 2009
URKOBOLD Intervenes
The URKOBOLD, the beloved and dreaded ur- and übertroll of the Internets and teh intertubz (lolz) has intervened in the bestest pastime in the US. The Big Game [Ed Note: the actual game has been removed, as the URKOBOLD won't share the absurd economic profits with the league].
As a result of the rage and fury expressed by the URKOBOLD, including an attempt at withering the taint of one Mr. Steven Crane, however, he has been captured. Sixty nine days ago. So instead, the URKOBOLD über withered the taint of the opposing quarterback.
While this (a redux, even!) is definitely unnecessary, it shows that those monkeys you don't fuck with, don't fuck with the URKOBOLD.
credit. and Go Bears.
As a result of the rage and fury expressed by the URKOBOLD, including an attempt at withering the taint of one Mr. Steven Crane, however, he has been captured. Sixty nine days ago. So instead, the URKOBOLD über withered the taint of the opposing quarterback.
While this (a redux, even!) is definitely unnecessary, it shows that those monkeys you don't fuck with, don't fuck with the URKOBOLD.
credit. and Go Bears.
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