Actuary Joke of the Day

Broker talking to actuary: "Why did you trend the fidelity losses? Just because someone stole a million dollars last year, does that mean he would have to steal a million plus this year?"

Get Me to a Nunnery!

THE URKOBOLD SAW THIS PICTURE ON THE INTERNET WHILE CONSIDERING THE PRODUCTION OF A REMAKE OF THE SOUND OF MUSIC. THE NUN SHOWN IN THIS PHOTO WILL NATURALLY PLAY THE PART OF MARIA. WHAT THE URKOBOLD WISHES TO ASK HIS LOYAL MINIONS, HOWEVER, IS WHETHER ALL NUNS LOOK LIKE THIS. IF SO, THE URKOBOLD SHALL HENCEFORTH BE KNOWN AS A CATHOLIC TROLL.

WAIT, ONE OF THE URKOBOLD'S MINION'S APPROACHES THE URKOBOLD. ONE MOMENT. . . . INTERESTING. THE URKOBOLD HAS BEEN INFORMED THAT CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRLS ARE SIMILARLY PLEASANT TO BEHOLD! THE URKBOLD DID NOT KNOW THIS! FOR THOSE EQUALLY UNINFORMED, THE URKOBOLD PRESENTS EXHIBIT A:

Actuary Joke of the Day

What is the difference between an actuary and an actuary for the mob?

The actuary knows how many people will die each year, while the actuary for the mob knows their names.

Sulu Friday: Never-Before-Seen Footage of Shatner Abusing Takei!

Well, that explains it.

Adios, Ricardo Gonzalo Pedro Montalbán y Merino

I have always enjoyed Ricardo Montalbán's acting, from his many television appearances to The Naked Gun and Escape from the Planet of the Apes (which, other than the old Cordoba commercials, may have been the first thing I saw him in).

But my favorite Montalbán moment was definitely in his role as Khan, from the old Star Trek series and especially in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan. Quoting liberally from Moby Dick, flexing his pecs, and gnawing on the scenery, he gave the performance of a lifetime.

Vaya con Dios, Ricardo Montalbán.

Actuary Joke of the Day

What does an actuary's wife do when she has insomnia? She rolls over and says, "Tell me again, darling. Just what is it you do for a living?"

Be Seeing You, Number 6

I've been a fan of Patrick McGoohan since I first watched The Prisoner as a kid. I've never seen him perform without taking over the screen, even when competing with actors with strong screen presence like Clint Eastwood (Escape from Alcatraz) or Mel Gibson (Braveheart).

Some other cool facts about McGoohan:

• "Orson Welles was so impressed by McGoohan's stage presence ('intimidated,' Welles said later), Welles cast him as Starbuck in his York theatre production of Moby Dick Rehearsed."*
• Was born in the U.S.A.
• Reported to have turned down the Bond role.
• Did voice work on The Simpsons (in the "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes" episode as Number 6, natch).
• Was married to the same woman for almost sixty years. Yeah, an actor did that who was not named Paul Newman.

RIP.

* From his Wikipedia entry.

Actuary Joke of the Day

An actuary a doctor and a priest play golf together. They have a good day but it takes hours and hours to complete the course because the four in front are unbelievably slow. After the game they go to the club bar and have a drink. The club captain not having seen the new members welcomes them and asks them how their game went. They say how enjoyable it was but not really wanting to criticize they comment on how long the four in front took. The club captain explains the story that they are four firemen who in a tragic accident at a fire at the golf club house were blinded rescuing players from the bar. They are now honorary members allowed to play whenever they want but they do understandably take a while to complete a round. The doctor apologizes and says he will get a friend who is a professor in eye surgery to have a free look to see if anything at all can be done. The priest says all his congregation will pray for them at church. The actuary thinks for a while and asks, "Couldn't they play at night?"

Hay, ProGlib

The police in Clearwater called. They've been trying to trap your monkey. They want you to retrieve it now.

Congress: Making Things Better for, um, Congress for Over 200 Years*

***Update of Astounding Synchronicity***

Well, it turns out that the folks at Despair.com anticipated my thinking by about six months:


* With my most profound and deepest apologies to Despair.com, from whom the text was borrowed (from their "Consulting" demotivator).

Monkey Tuesday: Sumo Wrestler vs. an Orangutan

Monkeydome. Two go in, one comes out. Two go in, one comes out.

Actuary Joke of the Day

An actuary is flying on an old-style 4 prop plane to the annual meeting. Partway through the flight one engine conks out. The pilot comes over the intercom to advise the passengers that one engine is dead, but the plane is perfectly capable of flying on three, although this will delay their arrival time by one hour. A while later, the pilot advises the passengers that unfortunately, a second engine has ceased to function. He reassures them that the plane can fly on only two engines, but their arrival time will now be delayed by 3 hours. Shortly after, the pilot has more bad news - the 3rd engine is not working, but he reassures everyone again that the plane is perfectly capable of continuing with only one engine working, but that their arrival time will now be delayed by 7 hours. At this news, the actuary can no longer contain his frustration. He turns to the passenger sitting next to him and says "Boy that's just great - if the 4th engine stops working we're going to be up here forever!".

Monkey Tuesday: Special Guest Sean Connery Tells Monkey Joke

The Urkobold is Disturbed

THE URKOBOLD WILL NEVER WATCH SCOOBY-DOO THE SAME AGAIN. WHO KNEW VELMA HAD SUCH A DISTURBINGLY ENORMOUS RACK? LESBIANS? REALLY?

AND NOW, THE URKOBOLD MUST GO AWAY AND THINK ABOUT THE IMPLICATIONS OF THE NAME, SHAGGY. WHO AND WHAT, PRECISELY, DOES SHAGGY SHAG? AND FRED? IS FRED, IN FACT, A MAN WHO LOVES MEN? THE URKOBOLD DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THAT ASCOT.

THE URKOBOLD BLAMES CRACKED.COM AND ITS "10 Female 80s Cartoons That Ushered Us Into Manhood" ARTICLE FOR ADDING DISTRESSING DAPHNE-VELMA LOVE FANTASIES TO HIS ALREADY CROWDED MIND.

***SHOCKING UPDATE***

AFTER DIRECTING HIS MINIONS TO SCOUR THE WEB IN SEARCH OF MORE VELMA-DAPHNE PORN. . .ER, THAT IS, FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THIS TROUBLING DEVELOPMENT, THE URKOBOLD HAS LEARNED THAT "SHAGGY" HAS, IN FACT, PUBLICLY REVEALED MANY DEEP SECRETS ABOUT THESE MEDDLING KIDS AND THEIR PERVERSE WAYS. JOIN THE URKOBOLD AS HE LISTENS YET AGAIN AS SHAGGY TELLS ALL.

Sen. Bill Nelson Wants My Input

Today I received an e-mail from Senator Bill Nelson (Democrat - Low-Earth Orbit--I mean, FL) asking me for my opinion on my "most pressing concerns". Here's the bulk of the e-mail along with the survey:

As Congress convenes in 2009, fixing the ailing American economy will be the top priority of lawmakers and the new president.

As a member of key Senate panels, I'll be working closely with the White House on an economic stimulus, and it would be helpful for me to hear from you—the people I represent in Washington. Please take a moment to complete this survey to let me know which are your most pressing concerns.

Survey:

What Are Your Top Three Economic Concerns?
(Please choose 3 only)

• Unemployment
• Increasing home foreclosures
• Loss of retirement income
• Rising property taxes and insurance costs
• Affordable health care
• Growing deficit
• Rising food and consumer goods prices
• Cost of higher education

With the possible exception of "Growing deficit", I note that Sen. Nelson's poll lacks some critical options. Therefore, as a Floridian and out of respect for his astronautitude, I offer a substitute poll that I feel would be more useful in crafting legislation for these trying times:

Survey:

What Are Your Top Three Economic Concerns?
(Please choose 3 only)

• The Voracity of Hope
• Government taking all of my money
• Government attempting to bail out every single industry in America that has a lobbyist
• Taxes, taxes, and more taxes
• Whether or not we still have a free market economy
• Growing deficit
• The Fed monkeying with the money supply and creating another bubble
• Congress and the president "fixing the ailing American economy"
• Did I say "Government taking all of my money"?

Actuary Joke of the Day

How do you differentiate an Actuary? Answer: dActuary/dx
How do you differentiate an Actuary on holiday? Answer: dActuary/dx + c

Actuary Joke of the Day

Why is an artist who makes plastic sculptures of Nostradamus like an actuary?

Because he creates models to forecast the future.