One-Eyed Odin Wednesday: Odin Grants Poster Smacky a Boon

One-Eyed Odin evaluating Urkobold poster/lab whore smacky and being pleased.

On the heels of yesterday's revelation that young smacky, the entire female component (not counting gorillas, that is) of the Urkobold Interactive, LLC operation, is devoted to Klaus Kinski, the original Techno Viking, One-Eyed Odin has decided to reward smacky with a divine favor. He shall reincarnate Herr Kinski in the form most pleasing to young smacky.

smacky! Behold! And choose wisely!

***UPDATE***

Odin, noting that smacky seems to be having trouble selecting the form of her eternal gratification, offers several more iterations on the Kinski theme:

***Breaking News!!!***

smacky has made her selection. For the rest of her life and when she ascends into Valhalla, she will be accompanied by Cowboy Kinski! Congratulations to the new couple, and welcome back Herr Kinski! Although Viking Moose has expressed disappointment that smacky didn't select Nastassja Kinski, we're all very happy for them both.

Actuary Joke of the Day

After taking a course in heredity, an actuary concludes if your parents didn’t have children, the probability is very high that you won’t either!

Monkey Tuesday: Great Monkey Movie Moments

Aguirre (Klaus Kinski) addressing the hordes of monkeys on his raft at the denouément of Aguirre, der Zorn Gottes (Aguirre: The Wrath of God):

I, the Wrath of God, will marry my own daughter and with her I will found the purest dynasty the world has ever seen. We shall rule this entire continent. We shall endure. I am the Wrath of God!

Interestingly, this monologue was not in writer/director Werner "Whitey" Herzog's shooting script but was added by Kinski. While filming Aguirre, Kinski developed an unnatural love of monkeys, verging on religious mania, and insisted on the new lines. Legend has it that he threatened to beat Herzog to death with his giant, oversized head if the director didn't agree to the change. Herzog reluctantly complied, only to later threaten to shoot Kinski if he didn't return to the jungle set, screaming "Der Abschaum der menschlichen Gesellschaft! Setz deinen Arsch in Bewegung! Fortunately, Herzog got distracted by a female extra and left the set himself, shouting after her, "Die hat 'ne große Kiste!

This dialogue also provided a fascinating glimpse into the workings of Kinski's addled mind, because his "own daughter", of course, was none other than Nastassja Kinski.

Breaking News: Obama Names Lance Armstrong Director of National Intelligence

Seven Tour de France wins. Utter victory over testicular cancer. And now, Lance Armstrong rides again for America, this time as President-Elect Obama's Director of National Intelligence.

Urkobold would like to be the first to congratulate Admiral Armstrong in his new role, and looks forward to him nabbing bin Laden, ending torture, reuniting with Sheryl Crow, and winning an eighth Tour de France title.

Monkey Tuesday: Drinking with the Monkeys

The Blue Monkey:


Bold Gold Monkey:

Red Tequila (no monkeys, but highnumber deserves a tequila drink after those girlie rum drinks):


And, what the heck, a short film on a tequila-dedicated bar and the fabled $500 shot of tequila:

Actuary Joke of the Day

I once told an actuary to go to the end of the line. He came back five minutes later and said he couldn't because someone else was already there.

Monkey Tuesday: Meet Your Monkey Trolls

Greetings, gentle readers! I'm the ersatz roving reporter, and I'll be showing you around our Taintsville facility.

Today, we're looking at one of our favorite trolls, Edweirdo/Lefeetee. Now, this chimera may not actually be two people. Not at all! Or it might. For our purposes, we're claiming it is one person, or actually a fusion of two that has become one. They tried a "human pretzel" (one sticks his head up the other's ass, and vice versa), and eventually fused together.

For our purposes, they/he prefers to be called Lefeetee right now.

Elbows in, please - we're going through a gate. We don't want anybody hurt hier.

Please look to your right. We're coming up on Lefeetee's Haus.



A real beaut, isn't it. He wanted Koko to pose for the Monkey overlooking the gates, but she refused, noting that he wasn't rich enough.

This caused great angst, and he spent some time in seclusion, wondering whether the Hayekian Triangle actually needed units, was a discrete, or continuous measure. And what the hell is the average of it, anyways?

When he emerged, he kept spouting something like, "SMOOT HAWRY! WALKER HYPOTHESIS! RADLEY SKATEBOARD! BUSH BATEOUT! MARKET SHALL PUNISH THOSE WHO DARE CROSS IT. MATT DAMON WILL SHOVE DEMAND KURV UP!"

Then he entered another pensive period



Now, he's up and about. Oh, look! He's managed to chain himself to the tree. No, never mind that, Mrs. MacGruder. It looks like that because that's how he's holding the spear. Now now. Will somebody get Mrs MacGruder a glass of water or something?

Hay Lefeetee, we have a TROLLey full of tourists who want to meet you!

[L] blargh gar! market! market! socialized medicine in cuba! infant mortality in Luxembourg! Europe more civilized! civilized! centrally planned blagh blarg a ding dong

[eRR] But Lefeetee, why would you think that? What are you working on now?

[L] starts playing with himself. Mrs MacGruder faints again

[eRR] Interesting. What are your current interests? Please, Lefeetee, these people traveled millions thousands of miles to see you. Have you figured out the matrix for transparent aluminum?

[L] Oh hay hai gaiz. I've been pimpin my auto. It's pretty su-eeet. Lemme show.

[eRR, whispering] We have found him in a lucid moment. Well, actually, it's an attack of some sort. When he overdoses on cheetos and batin, he sometimes sounds nearly normal. Please no sudden movements, loud noises, or flash photography

[L, opening garage] check 'er out. A real beauty. Front wheel drive. Can blow the doors off anything we've got



[eRR] We had to fix the air intake there - it was smaller, and one day we discovered him stuck to it. Apparently he thought humping the blower would double the experience. We believe Mr. Steven Crane taught him that technique.

[L] worship at the altar of mises. feces. mises. feces. mises. feces. make love to the neck stump. gently.

[eRR] well, ladies and gentlemen, it appears as though the moment is by. And Lefeetee is resuming his normal activities.



[eRR] He'll do that for hours. Thank you for your time today, everybody! Don't forget to stop by the gift shop for our newest creation, the Lefetee dongle gong a ding dong. Perfect gift for corrupting young and old alike. Have a great day, everybody!

photo credits.

Actuary Joke of the Day

Definition of CPA: Can't Pass Actuarial exams.

Edweird- er, Lefiti At Work

Click on the pictures for a larger view...

Actuary Joke of the Day

Several actuaries were sitting around at an actuaries joke telling convention. These actuaries knew their jokes so well that they assigned numbers to them. In order to save time, instead of telling the joke they would just shout out the number.
"387" shouted out one actuary. The others all laughed loudly in approval of the joke.
"834" shouted another of the actuaries. The others laughed mildly at this one.
"1,023" shouted another of the actuaries. Most of the others laughed mildly at this one.
An actuary new to the group, seeing how others get a laugh by shouting out the joke numbers, says "214." No one laughs. He tries another, "427." Again, no response. He tries one final time, "591." Nothing but glassy stares. He asks the actuary next to him, "Why doesn't anyone laugh at mine?" The other actuary replies, "Some people just can't tell jokes."

Actuary Joke of the Day

A casualty actuary priced an automobile "Fire and Theft" policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, "Who would steal a burnt car?"

New Wave Saturday

Adam and the Ants
Ant Music
Prince Charming

Joy Division
Transmission
Warsaw

Naked Eyes
Promises
Voices in My Head

Real Live
Send Me an Angel
Catch Me I'm Falling

Nik Kershaw
Wouldn't It Be Good
The Riddle

credit, acknowledgements, etc. etc. etc. purchase!!

Sulu Friday: The Personal Logs of Lt. Sulu*

The "Naked Time" Interstitial:



The "Balance of Terror" Interstitial:



* As performed by lonelysulu15.

Actuary Joke of the Day

When a marketing officer asked an actuary why he recommended selling more life insurance policies to 98 year olds, the actuary replied, "According to our tables, very few of them die each year."

Wayne Sulu Friday

Wayne shook his head. What the hell happened? He slowly felt the back of his head. There was a definite bump where someone's bad intention met his skull.

He gradually allowed his senses to wake up, as he began to realize where he was.

He was at home. On the floor in the entrance portal. He thought through the fog to remember what had happened. He left the bar after a successful meeting with Sanchez, but things got a little fuzzy after that.

The drink. Wayne had been around enough to know when he'd been drugged. The hangover he felt was enough for several next days after a trio of frat parties.

Whatever the drug was, it sure has a long half life

He checked if his keys were there, they were. His wallet, the same. His phone was missing, however. He sat up, fighting off the dizziness. Why the bump, then?

He didn't care much at that point. He knew that he had to warn Sulu before they got to him. He knew that Sulu wasn't into this side of the job anymore. After that one time. He didn't talk, because he didn't know. Same situation. Wayne felt the ground beneath him, like Antares, drawing strength from it. He took a breath and stood up.

He opened the main door to his flat and headed straight to the kitchen. He opened a cupboard and pulled out a bottle of bourbon. He poured himself a measure and sipped it as he slowly rejoined the living.

He thought a little more. He realized he didn't know what time it was. Or what day it is. He sipped a little more bourbon. Its amber truth nursed him back to what was needed to be done. He knew that it was time to meet up with all the principals in this case.

He went upstairs and got on an old t-shirt with a cartoon penguin on it and donned an old pair of running shorts. Some pushups and situps would take care of that nicely.

He slowly got to work. As he watched the drops of sweat hit the floor, he began to feel better. Yes, that's what we need. That's the way to go

When he was done, he made coffee and toast and had a quick breakfast. He was eager to get going, realizing that the shelf life of this case was short.

Sulu Friday: Mmmmmmmm, Tranya

Roast of William Shatner

Balock on Shatner

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No, it's not actually Takei, but it does include two important things that Takei loves: (1) insulting William Shatner and (2) tranya.

Actuary Joke of the Day

An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1,248 sheep out there."
The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"
The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."