Friday, October 9, 2009

Advice for President Obama

If I were one of President Obama's advisers, I'd sit down with him in the Oval Office and have a little heart-to-heart discussion about this Nobel Peace Prize business:

Adviser: "Mr. President, accepting this award won't look good. You know, I know, most loyal Americans know that you're going to bring peace to the Middle East, liberalize China, and end the Shatner-Takei feud in the coming year, but you haven't done it yet. By accepting the prize now, your critics and even some of your less devout followers may call you arrogant and out of touch with reality."

President Obama: "But what can I do? If I decline the award, the Nobel Committee, Sweden, and the rest of Europe will be insulted! How can I get re-elected without the critical European vote?"

Adviser: "Mr. President, the Europeans don't v--never mind. Look, that's a legitimate concern, but I think I have a graceful and elegant way out. A solution that will make you look good and will enhance the reputation of the Nobel Committee, as well."

President Obama: "Wow, really? I can't think of anything. Obviously, no one else deserves it as much as I do. . .I mean, as much as I will as soon as I get around to solving the world's problems."

Adviser: "It's really quite simple. Do you mind if I give you a little background first?"

President Obama: "Not at all, though I only have a few minutes. I have to go order some Predator attacks on possible insurgent positions in Afghanistan."

Adviser: "Today? But. . . . Um, yeah, okay. Well, Mahatma Gandhi--"

President Obama: "I know who he is. Did you know that he was a lawyer, just like me?"

Adviser: "Yes, sir. Congratulations, sir. As I was saying, Gandhi was nominated during his lifetime for the Nobel Peace Prize on five different occasions. But he never won. Supposedly, the committee considered awarding him the prize posthumously--right after he was assassinated--but they decided that that would be a technical breach of the rules. More likely, he was too not-European for their tastes, but there's no way of knowing the truth now."

President Obama: "Racists! I saw the movie with Ben Kingsley, and I can tell you that Gandhi was one peaceful attorney. I mean, he went to jail and preached nonviolence!"

Adviser: "Exactly, Mr. President. The failure to award Gandhi the Nobel Peace Prize has long been considered a black eye for the committee, which, in recent years has come under fire for awarding the prize to terrorists, idiots, and fat blowhards like Al Gore."

President Obama: [Laughs uncontrollably. Stops, then starts doing it again. Calls the Secretary of State, giggles, hangs up, then goes off on another long jag of laughing.] "No, please, I'm okay. I see where this is going. You think I should decline the prize and recommend that they give it to Gandhi."

Adviser: "Not quite, sir. The committee still has a rule against giving it to dead people. However, there's nothing to stop you from accepting the Nobel Peace Prize, announcing that Gandhi deserves it more than anyone else and that you are accepting it in his name, then flying to India to hand it personally to the Indian Prime Minister. Not only would you foster the illusion of humility, you'd help the Nobel Committee wipe out its stained past, and you'd markedly improve U.S.-Indian relations!"

President Obama: "Fuck it--let's do it!" [Runs to the press pool.]

I'm Gandhi, dammit! Give me my fucking prize, or I'll slap your other cheek!

5 comments:

Bill C. said...

Why him? Why Carter? Why Gore? But no Bill Clinton!

Anonymous said...

So, if Obama does this, would India please shut down that call center that keeps bugging me about 8:30 p.m. every single night about getting another credit card?

Karen

Pro Libertate said...

Karen,

That seems fair. I think India would love the U.S. if Obama would listen to this sage counsel.

"Ken" said...

Karen, before we do that, have you really considered the options available to you- *click*

Anonymous said...

HRC seems oddly pleased that BHO is sucking her right eye out of her skull.