Monday, September 7, 2009

Happy Lab Whore Day!

MANY SCIENTISTS AND OTHERS WHO WORK IN A LABORATORICAL ENVIRONMENT ASK THE URKOBOLD, "WHAT KIND OF WOMAN* MAKES THE BEST LAB WHORE?" IT'S A GOOD QUESTION, BECAUSE CONGRESS HAS NEVER SEEN FIT TO PRODUCE STANDARDS OR OTHERWISE REGULATE THIS CRITICAL PROFESSION. SINCE TODAY IS LAB WHORE DAY, THE URKOBOLD WILL DEIGN TO REGALE HIS READERSHIP WITH HIS OPINION ON THIS IMPORTANT TOPIC. LET US REVIEW THE TOP TEN CHARACTERISTICS (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER) OF ANY GOOD LAB WHORE:

1. A GOOD LAB WHORE WEARS LITTLE OR NOTHING UNDER HER (MANDATORY) LAB COAT:

2. A GOOD LAB WHORE LOOKS HOT IN HEAVILY RIMMED, SCIENTIST-LIKE GLASSES. OR WITHOUT THEM:

3. A GOOD LAB WHORE WILL MAKE HERSELF AVAILABLE WHEREVER YOU WANT HER--EVEN IN SPACE:

4. A GOOD LAB WHORE SHOULD BE AS KINKY AS THE OCCASION WARRANTS:

5. A GOOD LAB WHORE SHOULD BE SKILLED IN HANDLING YOUR EQUIPMENT:

6. A GOOD LAB WHORE SHOULD BE WELL-VERSED IN LAB SAFETY:

7. IF YOU ARE AN AGED SCIENTIST, A GOOD LAB WHORE SHOULD HAVE BASIC MEDICAL EXPERTISE:

8. A GOOD LAB WHORE SHOULD ALWAYS BRING A CHANGE OF CLOTHES TO WORK:

9. A GOOD LAB WHORE IS ALWAYS WILLING TO ACT AS A HUMAN TEST SUBJECT FOR YOUR LATEST HIDEOUSLY DANGEROUS EXPERIMENT:

10. A GOOD LAB WHORE CAN PROCURE YOUR SPECIAL "MEDICINE" AND MANAGE ALL OF YOUR PRESCRIPTION DRUG NEEDS:


HAPPY LAB WHORE DAY, URKOBOLD READERS!



* Men can be lab whores, too. Unfortunately, Urkobold Labs LLC has a strict policy requiring discrimination on the basis of sex.

8 comments:

The Wine Commonsewer (TWC) said...

Nicely done

VM said...

medical training cannot be overstated

Pro Libertate said...

What about poor scientists who can't afford their own lab whores?

Naga Sadow said...

Are you suggesting subsidies to the fizzuks types, Pro Lib?

And where is smacky?

Pro Libertate said...

No comment.

the innominate one said...

hey, grad students need lab whores too, you know

and thanks to this post I had to spend the whole day in my bunk

Urkobold™ said...

IN YOUR GRANT APPLICATION, SET ASIDE FUNDS FOR PROCURING AND MAINTAINING A LAB WHORE. NOTE THAT MOST UNIVERSITY RESEARCH FOUNDATIONS WILL SELF-FUND A LAB WHORE BETWEEN GRANTS.

VikingMoose said...

TIO - fine. we'll send a scantily-clad Mr. Steven Crane to polish your beakers.

You also can play dress up with the Noam Chomsky Blow Up Doll.