Thursday, June 25, 2009

Tax Reform Proposal

In these trying times, the states and the federal government are struggling to extract adequate revenues from their citizens in order to fund, well, whatever it is they need money for. At the same time, taxpayers have become fed up with the complicated morass that is personal taxation. Many reforms have been suggested--flat taxes, national sales taxes, etc.--but to date, nothing has helped to meet the endless demands of government for more money or the pathetic cries of taxpayers for something more rational. That is, until today.

Repo men are the elegant solution to our revenue woes. Thousands of repo men, repossessing cars, selling them for cash, then turning the cash over (minus a generous commission) to the government. And repo men are ready for the job, because a repo man spends his life getting into tense situations.

Why repossession?
  • It's progressive! Repossession is a progressive form of taxation, because it targets people who own cars.
  • It's voluntary! Repossession allows those who don't like taxes an easy way to opt out--if you don't want to be "taxed", don't own a car.
  • It's "green"! By taking cars off the road, the repossession tax will encourage mass transit, helping to relieve fears concerning pollution and global warming.
  • It's healthy! With a repossession tax, people will leave their cars in their garages much more often to avoid repossession. As a result, a repossession tax will encourage Americans to walk more frequently and will usher in a new era of healthiness.
  • It's popular! People love and respect repo men, because of their toughness and no-nonsense attitude. The same can't be said for other types of tax collectors, who are generally despised.
  • It's good for business! Small businesses would benefit from a repossession tax, because we'd need lots of used car salesmen. And gun dealers. Auto manufacturers would benefit, because many people whose cars are repossessed may desire a new car as a replacement.
  • It will reduce unemployment! America will need hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of repo men to "collect" this tax.
  • It will make America smarter! Studies have shown that the more you drive, the less intelligent you are.
Pictured: The new faces of revenue


Solanum said...

John Wayne was a fag.

Pro Libertate said...

The hell he was.

Mister DNA said...

I don't want no commies in my car. No Christians either.

Pro Libertate said...

I do my best thinking on the bus. That's how come I don't drive, see.

BakedPenguin said...

There ain't a tax collector I know who don't use speed.

Pro Libertate said...

Never broke into a car, never hot-wired a car.

I never broke into a trunk.

I shall not cause harm to a vehicle,
or the personal contents thereof.

Nor through inaction, let vehicle or
personal contents come to harm.

That's what I call the repo code, kid.

Don't forget it. Etch it in your brain.

Mister DNA said...

I'd like to propose a Tapeheads tie-in.

America's move to a surveillance state will go a lot more smoothly if it's in the hands of Video Aces.

Cheaper too, since they work on Spec.

Pro Libertate said...

That's got Nesmith backing, too, doesn't it?

Mister DNA said...

In addition to being a Nesmith production, Tapeheads features Sy "Motherfuck a John Wayne!" Richardson and Zander "Feelin' Lucky 7, feelin' 7 Up" Schloss.

David Woycechowsky said...

* breaking news *
Michael Jackson is dead.

Pro Libertate said...

Was MJ connected with Repo Man? Maybe he was the guy in the trunk?