Monday, May 18, 2009

Urkobold Opens New Funeral Business

Sealant Green Corporation, an Urkobold Enterprises, LLC subsidiary, is proud to announce an exciting new venture into the funerary business: Viking funerals.

Beginning in Fall 2009, Sealant will offer Viking funeral services to clients in Central Florida, with a plan to offer franchise opportunities nationally in late 2010. William R. Simonson, CEO of Sealant, said the following when asked about this new foray into the death industry: "Everybody dies. But not everybody dies gloriously. Sealant will change that."

Sealant's current plans are to offer three Viking funeral options: Traditional, Life-Embracing, and Techno Viking:
Traditional: With the traditional package, your loved one will be placed in a temporary grave for ten days, while Sealant's specially-trained thrall women weave a death cloak for him or her. One thrall woman will guard the grave, drinking heavily and wailing ritualistically.

Once the ten days are up, your loved one will be carried by Viking warriors to a longboat, in which pillows, intoxicating drinks, and a lute will be stowed. As your loved one is placed on the boat, a hen and a cock will be ritually sacrificed by a Viking priest.

For the next three days, the family and honored friends will camp in tents around the longboat. On the third day, the Viking priest will set the longboat on fire with a torch, as Viking warriors and family members push it out to sea. The ashes are later recovered and buried in a secret barrow.



Additional options include Viking vocalists for singing dirges and Wagnerian opera, gold plating on the longboat, and air-conditioned tents.




Life-Embracing: Same as Traditional, except that during the three days before the longboat is set on fire, thrall women will visit the mourners' tents each night to deliver intoxicating drinks and to have life-celebrating sexual intercourse with the mourners.

Techno Viking: Same as Life-Embracing, except that the Viking singers will perform German Techno music, the thralls' sex will include pointless acts of violence, and the funeral will be presided over by the Techno Viking or someone trained to act just like him.





Why die like an animal when you can go out in a literal blaze of glory! Call Sealant today!

Pictured: A family of satisfied mourners (torches not included in standard packages)

***Update: Reposted today because this new business enterprise is more fun than a barrel full of Vikings.***

7 comments:

VM said...

that's a great tag to a most excellent post!

Pro Libertate said...

Don't thank me--thank the Vikings. I ripped them off without pity or remorse.

Pro Libertate said...

Do people comment here anymore? Is this thing on?

Urkobold™ said...

THE URKOBOLD CAN EXPLAIN THE ABSENCE OF COMMENTERS, PRO MINIONTATE. THEY ALL WERE SO IMPRESSED WITH THIS NEW VIKING FUNERAL BUSINESS THAT THEY COMMITTED SUICIDE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.

VM said...

client service calls.

Pro Libertate said...

You mean clients as in dead people? Did the Urkobold move you into the Michael Keaton role?

VM said...

close enough!