Saturday, February 21, 2009

Fast Versus Slow Zombies?


A thread to finally settle this aggravating question:  fast or slow zombies? This troublesome query has plagued mankind since, well at least since 28 Days Later, along with other films such as Resident Evil and the remake of Dawn of the Dead.  Zombies went from grandma-with-walker speed to Usain Bolt speed overnight. 

The first modern zombie film, George Romero's Night of the Living Dead, has zombies moving at a snail's pace. Purists - such as Romero himself - will argue that dead people, if they're going to move, are not going to move fast. Zombie revisionists, however, state that the slow moving zombie is mainly a source of comedy rather than terror.

Indeed, the slow moving zombie has to be part of an apocalyptic vision. After all, if there aren't overwhelming numbers of these turgid undead, how are they going to catch anyone to eat their brains? On the other hand, even in the fast zombie paradigm, there is still near-universal destruction. The speed of these deaders is merely a fear enhancing device.

So I will leave it up to you, gentle readers: do you want your zombies fast or slow?

56 comments:

VikingMoose said...

slowly at first. then a little faster. and faster. faster. faster. more speed. even faster. faster. oh yes. faster. faster. oh yes. faster.

um...

what was the question again?

Single Issue Voter said...

The zombies in Lenzi's Nightmare City run.IIRC they also can use weapons.This fine film precedes the 28 days and Resident Evil movies by a few decades.

The scene where they invade the television studio and eat the shiny spandex-clad exercise show babes is in of itself enough reason to see this fine motion picture.

domoarrigato said...

I confess - the only zombie film I have ever seen was shaun of the dead. Spank me.

BakedPenguin said...

SIV - interesting to know - I haven't seen any Lenzi or Fulci movies. My short research didn't reveal any fast zombies until 28 Days Later. If it's the first fast zombie movie, that alone would recommend it - spandex clad babes being a bonus.

domo - you started off with a great one, don't feel bad.

Naga Sadow said...

Fools! Slow zombies you can at least survive. If they can run, we are so fucked! Also, no more fuckers using guns! They attract more zombies. Katanas and battle axes don't need reloading besides their obvious noise advantage.

jimmydageek said...

Uma Thurman with a sword is all I need to fight off a zombie invasion. A spandex clad Uma, that is.

jimmydageek said...

Uma Thurman with a sword is all I need to fight off a zombie invasion. A spandex clad Uma, that is.

Naga Sadow said...

BakedPenguin,

The zombies in Return of the Living Dead could run. Also, Peter Jackson's Dead Alive is possibly the bloodiest movie I have ever seen! Watch it! Zombie battle involving a few hundred of em. Plus, a little something for the ladies as the dude and his girl walk away hand in hand covered in gore.

BakedPenguin said...

Naga, the problem with bladed weapons is how close you have to get. Miss once, and you have problems.

Funny - I saw Return..., and I don't remember zombies running in that one. Of course, that is a lesser zombie movie...

Moose, were you watching this?

BakedPenguin said...

jimmy - Uma Thurman, Milla Jovovich. apparently, if you prefer plumper women, it's another factor in the "slow zombie" column, because apparently only really skinny women can escape from fast zombies.

SIV said...

If you haven't seen Italian zombie movies you don't know zombies.Check out the original adaptation of I Am Legend, The Last Man ON Earth they sure look and behave quite a bit like Romero's zombies before Night of the Living Dead was made.As noted above Umberto Lenzi's Zombies were running very fast(and using weapons) in 1980, well before any other "fast zombies" I'm aware of.Fulci's zombies could swim!(most Fulci movies are really good w/ or w/o zombies) There are plenty of really bad Italian zombie movies though.Especially the porno zombie films.Still essential for you completists: zombie, Italian Cinema AND porno.

VikingMoose said...

okae - this is a great thread!

SIV - awesome recommendations.

anybody hier a noir fan?

hier und hier are two U.T. pics for you, daGeek. only one has spandex. sorry.

BakedPenguin said...

In Last Man on Earth, and especially in the novel - they are much closer to vampires than zombies. Another main difference is that they remain intelligent.

Naga Sadow said...

BakedPenguin,

Uh, zombie apocalypse dude. Better put your qualms aside and man up. Seriously, miss with a katana? The zombie won't be dodging or anything. Whoa! Kung fu capable zombies? (shivers) Also I remember quite clearly when they overran that ambulance driver. Apparently, the ones from the ground could only stagger but the newly turned could run.

Zombie strippers? With Robert Englund(played Freddy Krueger) in it? Teh AWESome!

Ken Shultz said...

The scary concept behind slow-zombies (which I'll just refer to as "zombies" from now on) is the horror of conscious death plus the horror of inevitability. You can run from the zombies, but you can't hide forever. And they're taking over. And you will be one of them.

The "horror" behind fast-zombies (which I'll just refer to as "ridiculouses" from now on) is centered on their lack of fear and apparent invulnerability. ...except that ridiculouses aren't really invulnerable--they burn, you can blow their heads off, etc. They're less vulnerable than killer robots a la the Terminator.

I blame Anne Rice, by the way. That and Asian sensibilities about what constitutes a good action movie. I've blabbed about this before, but if we're moving into a world where ridiculouses start doing dressing like the cool kids and doing karate, I'm gonna start throwing ju ju bees.

...I will. I'll do it.

Ken Shultz said...

..."less" is more vulnerable.

You know what I mean.

Naga Sadow said...

Ken,

You and your psycho babble! Slow zombies give you time to stock up supplies and begin fortifying your position. Personally, I'm just stocking up a boat with supplies and heading out to sea. That's my plan anyway.

Naga Sadow said...

Ken,

Wait, Anne Rice doesn't have any zombie novels. Or am I missing something?

the innominate one said...

My preferred weapon for fighting zombies is a lawnmower with a full tank of gas, a la Dead Alive.

Naga Sadow said...

the innominate one,

For you, my zombie loving friend. Link.

highnumber said...

How has this conversation gone so far without talking about Venom Lords?! You people drive me nuts!!!!

Naga Sadow said...

highnumber,

Who? That is all.

VikingMoose said...

*quietly pretends to ignore high#, in jest, of course*

the innominate one said...

Naga Sadow - not bad

this is how you deal with zombies created from the bite of the Sumatran rat monkey

BakedPenguin said...

Bad Taste was a similar Jackson goofy gore fest, but with aliens instead of zombies.

I hate to point this out, but if you're going to fight zombies with a lawnmower, they would have to be slow zombies. Also, you need a mulching blade and at least a 5 HP motor.

Nick M. said...

Bad Taste

Man, I saw that movie for the first time about two years ago during Movie Day at work. It was definitely the capstone to the "So Bad, It's Good" theme we had going.

I'm Gonna Get You Sucka!, The Princess Bride, Bad Taste, Army of Darkness. Those were some good days.

Bags said...

Naga-

If you enjoy slow zombies and katana use on said zombies, check out Dead Rising sometime. If you don't own a 360, it's worth buying one for this game alone.

kiran said...

I have a few questions:

1- If we created the Terminator robots 10 years from now, how come our cylons suck so much 1000 years from now?

2- How do we know all the humans from Caprica are not cylons too, just a different model?

3- Why did the Cylons from earth want to kill the Capricans?
(I mean obviously they didn't want to kill them all, but they wanted to kill a good grip of them)

4- Am I on the right thread?

kiran said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
kiran said...

how do I change my display name?

And how do I remove a double post?

Naga Sadow said...

kiran,

Too late, you double poster you! Also in answer to #1, because the cylons are simply inbred terminators.

Bags,

Click on the link I posted for the innominate one.

Bags said...

Naga-

Excellent.

Naga Sadow said...

Go here to discover your zombie survival risk calculator!

Bags said...

Naga, since you already seem familiar with DR you might appreciate this.

Bags said...

Shit, 25% chance of survival.

Ken Shultz said...

For those of you who asked...

Fast zombies are a product of Anne Rice type speculation about what it would be like to be one of the vampires, zombies, etc.

You're not supposed to want to be zombie, but there have been an awful lot of plots lately where people want to be vampires, etc. ...and why else would you make zombies faster than they were in real life?

It's so you can wish you were one of them!

That's not a zombie. It's just not. It's kung fu. It's vampire kids doing kung fu. Fast zombies is an attempt to get kids into undead kung fu. And it sucks.

BakedPenguin said...

kiran, removed the double for you. You can click on the Name/URL button if you want to post under a different handle. As far as being on the right thread... sure, why not.

Ken: if anyone ever makes a wire-fu zombie movie, they better be doing it ironically.

Ken Shultz said...

Oh, it'll happen, but there'll be cool-kid teen zombie's first. ...which really does ruin the whole zombie idea. I mean, you're not supposed to want to be a zombie!

I like your idea though. It's looking at zombie society after the zombies pretty much have taken over everything. There's be like a Zombie High School Musical playing on cable. A Zombie American Idol with zombie Paula Abdul and zombie Simon as the judges.

I can hear the zombie twenty-somethings singing their little hearts out now!

smacky said...

Hate to break it to you, Ken, but there's already a zombie musical.

Also there's a zombie videogame for Xbox (you probably knew that, though) with a soundtrack that might appeal to some hipsters.

Also, on topic...slow-moving zombies are teh scary.

smacky said...

But I would still want my zombies as slow as...whatever is slower than shrimp and grits.

Naga Sadow said...

Bags!!! Where did you get that tape of me running around the mall!!?!?

Pro Libertate said...

Fast zombies are an urban legend. There's no such thing.

Ken Shultz said...

Thanks for the link, smacky, I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see it already done.

Still, I think I'll go to Troma and pitch a Zombie High School Musical script. I think that one's all mine.

Ken Shultz said...

Actually, it looks like Zombie High School Musical is already being done too...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1344800/

Damn!

Naga Sadow said...

Pro Lib is correct. NO FAST ZOMBIES!!! I'm just waiting for the URKOBOLD to come in and put the issue to rest, once and for all.

Urkobold™ said...

THE URKOBOLD EMPLOYS ZOMBIES ON OCCASION TO PERFORM CERTAIN SERVICES ON HIS BEHALF. THEY ARE NEVER SWIFT, BUT THE RESULTS ARE ALWAYS CERTAIN.

smacky said...

I was going to make a zombie pron joke but I didn't want to be the first one. I'm glad I could rely on the good master Urkobold to break the ice.


Anyway, Ken, I hear there is money to be made in the zombie pron industry...

VM said...

no. no. no, smacky!

you can make such a joke (like "money splat" or something)

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Rickxwyr said...

But I would still want my zombies as slow as...whatever is slower than shrimp and grits.

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