Nazis Were Socialists Saturday: Hitler's a Cowboys Fan*

Cowboys fan. Figures. Evil knows evil. Still, I didn't know bunkers in Argentina could pick up NFL games--ain't technology amazing?

* From Cracked.com.

URKOBOLD's Life Coaching

When better self management is the goal, URKOBOLD announces the first product launch of the year.

"URKOBOLD is pleased, of course", said the freshly withered, trembling spokesperson, who, despite the tribulation and adulation, somehow still is adhering to his new year's resolution to cut back on canned fried haggis fritters."

If you feel your significant other treats his or her pet better than you, URKOBOLD Life Coach has several suggestions.

With a course that includes the hard-hitting classes such as, "Schmarl marl. I said more ham".

*We interrupt this to point out that the spokesperson switched scripts and began reading the script to "The Dentist's Guide to Brooklyn: the Hits". His taint has been withered, and he has been sent to Mr. Steven Crane for discipline and rehabilitation. Yes, that purple thing as a hood ornament will be represented*

"If you need great pets, we have the perfect items"



Your stud now can have studs.

Or, if you're interested in other products,

This




might be more your speed.

"As you can see, this is tremendously pleasing."

For those who are daring, this is the perfect stocking stuffer.



Analysts expect URKOBOLD to hoard the outrageous economic profits, and that URKOBOLD will cause the housing bubble outside of Brisbane to solidify.

Photo credits.

Recently Overheard Thursday

"...People say that they hate us for our freedoms, but it's not that. They hate us because we're in their countries propping up dictators and playing all sides against each other." To which the other person responds, "No. They hate us because we have all this money that we could use to help poor countries, but instead we choose to spend billions of dollars on our pets. That's why they hate us!"

Blowback theory be damned! Maybe Ghouliani should look into this.

Monkey Tuesday: Austrians Screw Monkey. Hitler Was an Austrian, You Know

Matthew Hiasl Pan

Austria. What they want you to think of when you think of their little has-been country:

• Tasty pastries
• Waltzes
• Neat cafes
• World-class skiing
• California
  
• Home of the von Trapps
• The Third Man
• Not being the home of Adolf Hitler
  

Well, we were going along with you, Austria, until your true colors showed themselves again, and you denied the humanity of Matthew Hiasl Pan, who is now doomed to walk the streets of Vienna, begging for handouts. Except that the Austrian Supreme Court says that only a "person" can receive personal gifts. So if you happen to go to Vienna and toss a few coins to poor, homeless Mr. Pan, the gendarmes will take the coins and beat the living strudel out of you. Of course, the fact that Mr. Pan was kidnapped for crazy German science experiments has no bearing on the ruling. What are you trying to hide, Austria? Don't make us go all America on you! Again!

The Urkobold's sources indicate that noted libertarian magazine, Reason, is looking into allegations that Mr. Pan wrote those infamous newsletters for Ron Paul.

This Post Reserved for Tom Cruise's Rebuttal or Wacked Out Confirmation

Cult of Tomonality?

Cracked.com's Michael Swaim clarifies what it means to be Tom Cruise, Super Scientologist.

UPDATE: Well, Clearwater's own cult--I mean completely valid religion--has apparently gotten to Google and had the piece yanked. Guess the aliens don't go for parody. It was pretty funny, too. Oh, well, search and ye shall find eventually, I suppose.

UPDATED UPDATE: Just checked out Cracked.com and saw that they found a less timid host. Behold!

Tommy Crooze Parodies.

und

Monkey Tuesday: Shock the Navy!

The culprit behind the US/Iran naval tensions in the Strait of Hormuz has been revealed:

The dread radio pirate Filipino Monkey!

"He used to go all night long. The guy is crazy. But who knows how many Filipino Monkeys there are?"

The Urkobold denies any involvement, but is unable to account for his whereabouts January 6. The Weibskobold proved unable to provide him with an alibi, as she was "out with a friend, er, friends, my girlfriends. Ask them. They'll vouch for me. I don't even talk to Mr Steven Crane anymore. Just IM."


In some related(?) news, here's "Bored soldiers in Afghanistan doing Brass Monkey"

Penn Returns to the Intertubials with "Penn Says"*

And may all of his Tuesdays be filled with monkeys and his blowdryers equipped with the latest safety features.

* From Crackle: Penn Says - Introduction to Penn Says.