Thursday, August 14, 2008

Urkobold to Pay Bonus to Employees

THE URKOBOLD FEELS SOMETHING VAGUELY AKIN TO GUILT, THOUGH IT MAY BE SIMPLE INDIGESTION. EITHER WAY, HE HAS NOT PAID BONUSES TO HIS MINIONS IN OVER FIFTY YEARS. THE URKOBOLD'S GOOD FRIEND, NEUTRON JACK WELCH, TELLS THE URKOBOLD THAT TOKEN BONUSES ARE A MORE EFFECTIVE INCENTIVE PROGRAM THAN TAINT-WITHERING; THEREFORE, THE URKOBOLD HAS DECIDED TO OFFER HIS EMPLOYEES THIS ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME BONUS:

TO PARTICIPATE IN A THREESOME WITH SCARLETT JOHANSSON!
PLEASE, NO GROVELING STATEMENTS OF THANKS--THE URKOBOLD KNOWS THIS IS GODLIKE BENEFICENCE. IN AN ADDITIONAL FIT OF ALTRUISM, THE URKOBOLD HEREBY REINSTATES THE FREE COOKIE PROGRAM FOR THANKSGIVING!
Pictured: Scarlett waiting for Urkobold employee bonus winners.

11 comments:

smacky said...

Would the winner get to pick the other participant?

smacky said...

Also, why is Scarlett Johansson continually working with a hack like Woody Allen? She should be doing David Lynch productions exclusively.

Urkobold said...

AH. THE URKOBOLD'S NEWEST MINION SPEAKS! HOW SPUNKY. THE ANSWER IS NO. YOU SHALL SHARE YOUR MOMENT, IF YOU WIN, WITH ANOTHER WINNING EMPLOYEE OF THE URKOBOLD. FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOURSELF AND KOKO WIN, THEN YOU, KOKO, AND SCARLETT JOHANSSON SHALL KNOW EACH OTHER AS DESCRIBED IN THE CHRISTIAN BIBLE.

THE URKOBOLD CANNOT ANSWER YOUR OTHER QUESTION, AS HE RATHER ENJOYS THE SEXUAL ESCAPADES OF THE WOODSTER. OH, FORGIVE THE URKOBOLD. YOU HUMAN TYPES REFER TO HIS SEXUAL ESCAPADES AS MOVIES, DO YOU NOT?

smacky said...

FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOURSELF AND KOKO WIN


THAT whore? I'm not sure that even a three-way with Scarlett Johansson is worth the risk of catching whatever skank affliction Koko probably has.


Don't tell Koko I said any of this, by the way.

Koko the Signing Gorilla said...

smacky,

Kiss, kiss Koko's toilet ass.

Sean Connery said...

I will have her! I quit acting too soon, damned my ornery hide!

Scarlett Johansson said...

Wow. Sometimes, I turn myself on. Can I enter the contest, too?

VikingMoose said...

ALAN ALDA!!!!!

the innominate one said...

possibly best movie scene of all time: teenage Scarlet Johansson practically forcing Billy Bob Thornton to accept a BJ while he drives, subsequently driving off the road

The Man Who Wasn't There, IIRC

Urkobold said...

THE INNOMINATE ONE,

ON THAT DAY, ALL MEN DROVE OFF THE ROAD.

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