Thursday, March 20, 2008

Eliot Spitzer Named Whore Critic for The New York Times

THE URKOBOLD WOULD LIKE TO BE THE FIRST TO CONGRATULATE HIS GOOD FRIEND AND WHORING BUDDY, ELIOT SPITZER, ON HIS NEW JOB AS WHORE CRITIC FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES!

FRANKLY, WE ALL THOUGHT HE WAS TOAST AFTER LAST WEEK'S RESIGNATION, BUT ELIOT AGAIN HAS SHOWN THAT HIS PERSEVERANCE AND WILLINGNESS TO DO ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL TO GET AHEAD, SERVE HIM WELL.

ALTHOUGH ELIOT PADDED HIS RÉSUMÉ WITH FALSE DEGREES AND NONEXISTENT JOURNALISM EXPERIENCE, ALL WHILE BREAKING THE LAWS OF NEW YORK, THE UNITED STATES, AND GOD TO GET THIS POSITION, NO ONE CAN DISPUTE ELIOT'S QUALIFICATIONS TO OPINE ON THE QUALITY AND SERVICE OF PREMIUM BROTHELS.

HERE'S AN EXCERPT FROM HIS FIRST REVIEW, TO BE PUBLISHED IN THE TIMES NEXT WEEK:

WE were bound for a whorehouse, and I had my doubts.

Like many seasoned johns, I'd received burning sensations after being lured by the promise of rustic sexual intercourse with multi-star amenities, a happy-sounding combination that often meant little more than a quick screw in a cheap bedroom otherwise untouched by progress and its attendant conveniences, like reliable plumbing and regular maid service.

So when my friend Charlie [ed. Sheen?] told me that old whorehouses less than an hour's drive south of Albany were being converted into cushy sex resorts, I felt more skepticism than curiosity. And when he gushed about the reputed beauteousness of the woman he'd booked for us, I vowed to be charmed, not outraged, at the inevitable exposure of his gullibility. The coitus would go so much easier that way.

But the Tainted Lady was no regular whorehouse. No, it was a five-star brothel, combining the pure luxury of the Old World with the professional efficiency of the New. After our arrival, we mentioned to the brothel staff that we were horny, and within minutes we were serviced right there in the lobby! As we were being pleasured, topless, yet elegant waitresses came along with glasses of inky, fruity red wine--all of this while in a sleek lounge area with all-white furniture and lulling cross breezes.

* * *

The fifth girl who came to my room seemed of an inferior quality, disappointing after the perfection of the previous evening. Or, perhaps, the appetizers had simply overpowered the entrée. No matter, I partook of her, determined to experience the Tainted Lady to the fullest. Where the earlier experiences had had a subtlety and sophistication rarely seen in this part of New York, the fifth girl--Connie--was base and carnal. What the coitus lacked in professionalism, it made up in sturm und drang.

* * *

As the wine went to my head, I could feel the Tainted Lady working its way into my heart. If you live in or visit Albany, do not pass up a visit to this precious--and consummately New York--jewel of carnal pleasures.

ELIOT SPITZER is the whore critic of The New York Times.

10 comments:

Pro Libertate said...

With apologies to Mrs. Spitzer and Frank Bruni.

highnumber said...

Très bien.

Pro Libertate said...

You're right, Eliot should've used more French phrases.

It seemed a necessary posting after the huge outpouring of support for this particular gig in our poll.

BakedPenguin said...

It was gratuitous, PL. Therefore, it was certainly necessary to post it on this blog.

Pro Libertate said...

It's amazing how easily food critic patter translates into a whore critic review.

VikingMoose said...

*slowly backs away*

Pro Libertate said...

I'm disappointed. I thought thousands would read this topical, yet sleazy, post.

VikingMoose said...

this is a great post, BTW!

D.A. Ridgely said...

So, does this mean that Spitzer will be covering the opening of all new Andrew Lloyd Webber shows, too?

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