Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Proof That Gravity Does Not Exist!

Once again, evil fiziks types have to back down in the face of overwhelming religious evidence. Musician and occasional URKOBOLD science correspondent Taktix® has broken the shackles of psuedo- science with his discovery that gravity is non-existent. We are held to the earth by the Giant Underground Jesus Magnet, powered by Jesus’s love for us all.

URKOBOLD contributor Pro Libertate reports the theory behind the mechanism of the BUJM is that small particles, known as messiatrons, are attracted by Jesus's love. We suspect that the particles have opposing anti-particles, known as lucifrinos.

Updates - Pro Libertate points out that I neglected to mention General Religitivity. It's my error - I thought everyone reading a scientific article such as this would have an understanding of GR.

There has been a schism in the BUJM scientific community. Taktixian BUJM rejects Penguinian theory due to the following.

A: Jesus's love doesn't attract things, it just makes them really heavy (hence the "heavy-hearted") so they fall to the ground.

B: These so called "lucifrinos" attract things as well, such as my car to that fire hydrant or anybody to Dondero, which disproves the whole "messiatrons attract things, blah blah blah" theory.

The Penguinians find this laughable, of course, however, in the absence of a theory of Boojum chromodynamics, we cannot prove it laughable. Yet.

Further clouding the issue is ., who proposed his own theory:

Perhaps Jesus magnets do not only exist in the Earth. Perhaps there is a Jesus Magnet in each and every one of us. Perhaps this Jesus Magnet, which can be either messiatronic or lucifrino in terms of polarity, is what attracts and divides us all. However, we all stick to the Earth due to the Earth's BUJM, which is bipolar.

Taktix announced he would research this theory. We are going to work on the theory of Boojum chromodynamics.


VikingMoose said...

what about the theory that it's a thousand invisible spaghetti tentacles of the flying Spaghetti Monster that are holding us?

Pro Libertate said...


That's not science, you heretic!

Taktix® said...

Apparently, two schools of BUJM have developed... Taktixian and Penguinian

Pro Libertate said...

To be clear, messiatrons are only required under quantum mechanics to explain some extreme cases. Classical religitivity covers most observed phenomena.

Pro Libertate said...


"Psuedo-science?" Is that the science of all things incorporating the skin of Bos taurus?

VikingMoose said...

jebus = liquid hot magma?

highnumber said...

As I understand it, the experimental theologians theorize that Jesus is actually a giant lump of iron. If he is exposed to fresh air he will oxidize quite quickly, leaving us each with our own personal rustbucket.

BakedPenguin said...

Pro Libertate - or the study of certain Britpop bands...

VM - pray to your igneous savior!

thoreau said...

Heresy! Saying that it's a Jesus magnet implies that He has a north pole and a south pole. Which would mean that Jesus is bipolar. Obviously He isn't! Heresy!

Now, if you wanted to say that a guy who goes into the desert and talks to the Devil is schizophrenic, that would be different. But it should be obvious that He isn't bipolar. Not even bipolar-curious.

Aresen said...

Donderons are unable to attact anything. Despite being the densest substance known and possessing infinite inertia, they repel anything that approaches them, especially thoughticles.