For the Love of Jesus. Please Stop the Squirrel Menace!

Oh, the humanity! If we don't act now to stop the squirrels, with their creepy little handses, we'll soon join the dinosaurs in the also-ran category of formerly dominant species.

If global warming will stop the squirrels in their tracks, then I'm all for it.

Ian "Mac" McLagan Live at FitzGerald's!

Mac, keyboard player for Mod heroes the Small Faces, later the Faces, will be appearing this Tuesday at FitzGerald's Nightclub in Berwyn, Illinois, across Roosevelt Road and three blocks down from my house. I, unfortunately, have a prior commitment. I have met Mac at FitzGerald's. As I told him, meeting him was the equivalent to me of meeting one of the Beatles. Living legend. He is a warm and wonderful man.
I am certain that I know who recorded this video from an appearance October 13, 2006 at FitzGerald's. I was there. Look & listen for me.

I Have a Grapefruit Matter. It's as Sour as Sh*t.

I have uncovered conclusive PROOF that the mighty URKOBOLD is a Mod. He ghost wrote this song for the also mighty Modfather. Please do not ruffle the feathers of his Peacock Suit.

let's be honest, i'm posting videos of women i think are hot.

this is peaches with iggy pop, a man who has survived many of URKOBOLD's attempts on his life. here they survive a zombie invasion. notice peaches' jheri-curled jew-fro and busted-up nose. truly, the woman of my dreams.



and this is just gratuitous.

Um, No, The Urkobold is a ROCKER, And AC/DC is His Band

I mean, really. What band more reflects the Urkobold? And yes, they are both Scottish and Australian. No, I'm not going to explain that claim. Too busy rockin'.

The Urkobold is also a Braves fan.

And how many bands have their own action figures?

the enemies of the URKOBOLD.

now. it is well-known that i, armed with naught but my beautiful hair, a bottle of Nehi-Cola in one hand, and a bottle of Formula 409 in the other (one must be careful not to confuse these two), am the URKOBOLD'S worst enemy. but i do not stand alone.

here we have mine allies:



margo dydek, 7'2" polish hottie.



svengoolie, spooky suburban television host.



brian campbell, big hitter extraordinare.



ludacris, vaguely incomprehensible rapper.

Mr Steven Crane's Absence ACCURATELY Explained

This short clip shows the truth about Mr Steven Crane's extended disappearance from these hallowed pages.
This was filmed in beautiful downtown Joliet. Look for Mr Crane on the motorcycle in the beginning of the clip. This also explains why Mr Crane is the URKOBOLD's sworn enemy. Mr Crane is clearly a Rocker, and the URKOBOLD has aligned himself with the forward looking Mods.

Mr. Steven Crane's absence explained.

many of you may have been wondering why i, mr. steven crane, sworn enemy of the URKOBOLD, and president of the Nehi Cola Club for Men, have been absent from this august blog.

well, lemme break it down for you.



i have been very busy with the girlies. (disclaimer: all of them were over the age of 17. the 17 year-old was two years ago.) i have also been getting my hair cut in a pompadour and dancing around in tight jeans. despite rumour to the contrary, i have -not- been getting in knife-fights in whiting, indiana. nor have i been kicked out of a pool hall in joliet. these are baseless lies.

i have also been known to appear in public in such a fashion as this:



truly, i have the uncontrollable urges.

aha.

in the early days of this blog, i made a prediction.

does anyone still think the sox will finish with a better record than the cubs?

i am being vindicated. the URKOBOLD should hang his head in shame.

Internet First! Voight-Kampff Empathy Test Performed Live, on a Blog

Thank you for participating in this test, highnumber. Please relax. You can even have a shot of tequila--it won't affect the results.

Okay, ready? Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.

Dr. Urkobold: It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?




highnumber: I look for the gift receipt. I prefer money clips.




Dr. Urkobold: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus the killing jar. What do you do?







highnumber: I ask him how he manages to catch the butterflies.







Dr. Urkobold: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp crawling on your arm.





highnumber: Yikes! I get up slowly and try to get to the door to get it outside and encourage it to fly away.



Dr. Urkobold: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, highnumber, it’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, highnumber. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that, highnumber?

highnumber: Well, for a moment, I would like to see the tortoise's underside. It's not something one often has a chance to see. Can I flip it back over before I leave?



Dr. Urkobold: You know what a turtle is?









highnumber: Yes, I know what a turtle is. What the hell kind of question is that?









Dr. Urkobold: Same thing.






highnumber: I didn't ask what a tortoise is, because I ALREADY KNEW! I asked if I could flip it back over before I left. Jesus!



Dr. Urkobold: I mean you're not helping! Why is that, highnumber?






highnumber: I'm not helping? What do you mean that I'm not helping? Can we have the next question already? I know what a turtle is. I know what a tortoise is. What the hell kind of a test is this, anyway? Next question, please.





Dr. Urkobold: They're just questions, highnumber. In answer to your query, they're written down for me. It's a test, designed to provoke an emotional response.

Shall we continue?


highnumber: Yes, please continue.





Dr. Urkobold: Describe in single words. Only the good things that come into your mind. About your mother.





highnumber: Mom? Loving. Devoted. Protective.









Dr. Urkobold: You're reading a magazine. You come across a full page nude photo of a girl.






highnumber: I'll be in VM's bunk. Keep him out of there, would ya?



Dr. Urkobold: Just answer the questions, please. You show it to your wife. She likes it so much she hangs it on your bedroom wall.




highnumber: Go 'way! Batin'!








Dr. Urkobold: One more question. You're watching a stage play. A banquet is in progress. The guests are enjoying an appetizer of raw oysters. The entrée consists of boiled dog.



highnumber: Is it one of those shows where we eat with the actors, like "Tony and Tina's Wedding"? I have heard that the food is terrible at those things. I would be surprised that they actually told us that it was dog, though. I would have thought that they would call it something like "Chinese Lamb" or something.

Viking Moose: Would you step out for a few moments, highnumber? Thank you.




Dr. Urkobold: He's a replicant, isn't he?





Viking Moose:








Dr. Urkobold: Um, your hours of silence after confirming that highnumber is an inhuman replicant capable of ripping my intestines out through my ears is rather disturbing. Please respond. isway ighnumberhay inway eednay ofway etirementray?

Viking Moose:










Dr. Urkobold: Okay, everyone, no problem--Viking Moose is fine. I just heard that highnumber went up to visit him at the top of the Tyrell Building. To play chess! Yep. . . .





Dr. Urkobold: Well, then. highnumber! Listen, why don't you come down to the Urkobold cellar? I've got a really nice cask of Amontillado that I just know that you'll love.

KIDS ON COFFEE!

WARNING: The Basemaster General has determined that coffee is good for your health.Thanks to modern chemistry, sleep is now optional.

highnumber's Punishment is Coming Up

highnumber, you have earned the Urkobold's wrath. Listen, watch, and purge.

Wisdom from David Lo Pan, Urkobold's Good Friend

As David always likes to say, "Shut up, Mr. Burton! You were not brought upon this world to get it!"

Traveling to Scotland This Summer? Better Get Your Sporran Checked First!

According to AP:

Kilt wearers in Scotland may be forced to produce licences that show their traditional sporrans - used to hold valuables and occasionally a flask of whisky - are not made from the fur of endangered wildlife.
...
The sporran is a leather or fur purse that hangs just below the belt buckle of full Highland dress. Although its contents are often a mystery, traditional Scotsmen often keep a flask of whisky in it.

Malcolm Scott, of Edinburgh sporran makers William Scott & Sons says,

"I haven't seen an otter sporran in 40 years and we stopped using badger about 30 years ago. What they really should be concentrating on is foreign-made sporrans, which are killing this traditional industry."

Scotland's Daily Record offers a surly opinion on the matter:

The only way to determine whether sporran hair is real or fake is to touch it and feel it for yourself.

And I can't see too many Scots - especially the Tartan Army on tour - letting a stranger fondle their dangly bits.

Herr Moose is asked to confirm if the following is a photo of Mr Steven Crane modeling said accessory.

We ask that the pictured sporran be sent to Urkobold labs for testing.

I Didn't Expect Some Sort of Planet of the Apes

No, chimpanzees are not a threat to mankind. At least, they weren't until people started training them in martial arts! Why not arm them, too? Did none of you hear what Charlton Heston said about all of this? Quite emphatically? Holy Zaius!

Bibertarian Apparel (Redux Squared)

Bibertarian Tees are now available again! (Now available in 2 designs: Che or Anima Dannata).

Support Urkobold's&trade quest to wither the taints of all Bibertarians!

Order 2 or more for "bulk" discounts...

(thanks to highnumber for the printfection.com tip).

Mmmm, Amontillado. Best Served Chilled, While Being Sealed in Your Underground Tomb, Brick by Brick

From a Deutscher site, natch, where "The Cask of Amontillado" is illustrated in Legos®.

The Urkobold loves this story, where a man, tired of the viewpoints of an acquaintance, lures him underground with some booze, then seals him in, brick by brick. It turns out that it was a true story, with the names changed to protect the all-too guilty:

"For the love of God, Urkobold! For the love of God!"

For All You Proud Parents :)

Hot off the press! Get yours today!