The Top 100 Things I'd Do if I Ever Became a Libertarian President (#21 - 30)
21. Issue an executive order requiring all administration web sites to revert to 1996 web standards. For example, see the 1996 versions of the web sites for the White House, the FCC, and the FBI. Since all of these sites will use basic HTML and images--no javascript, no stylesheets, no nothing--we can sell all of the excess servers and equipment and lay off all of the now-superfluous web designers, coders, and database experts.
22. Declare haggis the official food of the United States.
23. Order the immediate thawing and reviving of Walt Disney. His company needs him.
24. Invite various celebrity busybodies to receive awards, then don't show up at the ceremony. (Thanks, VM!)
25. To demonstrate my commitment to civil discourse, I will send thank you cards to foreign leaders who mention me by name, regardless of how insulting their statements may have been. And I'll send cards for any gifts they provide the U.S., such as political exiles. Per Miss Manners, I'll be sure to make specific references to whatever they've done for me--for instance, here I am thanking Hugo Chavez: "Dear Hugo President Chavez, Thank you so much for telling the OAS that I am Satan incarnate. Few if any world leaders would take the time to say such a thing about me! It was so thoughtful to include me in your speech. Good luck with that tyrant thing, and best wishes for sustained high oil prices. Sincerely, The Libertarian President."
26. My trade policy in two words or less: Free trade.
27. Refuse to continue the embargo against Cuba and most especially refuse to enforce any restriction on where citizens may travel. I'll make all these pronouncements while drinking a mojito and munching on some arroz con pollo. I'll also make a point of noting that Castro and his oppressive regime sucks.
28. To please my core constituency of geeks and to save some money, order that all government computers be switched from Windows to Linux and from Microsoft Office to OpenOffice. No, no stinkin' Macs--get away from me, Apple cultists!
29. Make most of my speeches long and complex, with big words and bigger concepts. Just to make things more interesting, I'll spout off phrases in Greek or Latin without bothering to translate them. Ditto mathematical or scientific concepts. Want to understand me? Go get some education. No, I'm not going to fund it.
30. Bring the troops home from everywhere except maybe Afghanistan. I think both WWII and the Korean conflict just may be over now, and the Middle East can figure its own issues out without our constant intervention. We've got plenty of other places where we can buy oil, and we've no need to import any more religious craziness. Besides, we have our own beaches and falafel.
19 comments:
Since you're reviving the office of Censor, and mentioned peppering your speeches with Latin, I thought you might like a sponsorship from these people. You can give the toys away as souvenirs of visits to the White House or something.
Actually, I also posted this as a recommendation for Christmas gifts if anyone here has kids of an appropriate age, say 3 to 9 or so. Playmobil is made in Germany, so no issues with Chinese lead or slave labor, and the toys are, if I may be so silly to mention, great for the little one's imagination. They have many collections, including one set of kids 1 to 3. end sales pitch.
Santa is bringing Aaron the Arena, complete with gladiators, a chariot racer, a lion and a tiger, and a Senator. And yes, I DID buy my son a toy I would have killed for at his age.
I promise to the Urkobold to stop posting pointless, off-topic stuff, too.
Karen,
Don't stop posting that stuff. Urkobold's website is perfect for it. My sister is getting married and plans of having kids soon thereafter, and I need cool toys to buy, besides toy guns and toys that make loud, obnoxious noises.
A Libertarian President should perform vetoes with a cool samurai sword. Blood on the item being vetoed would be a bonus (preferably the blood of the person / people who introduced the bill).
karen,
I can't speak as an official representative of the URKOBOLD!,(for fear of my own taint) but your comments, on topic or otherwise, are always welcome.
I think I just put my taint in serious jeopardy.
Pro Libertate 2012!!!
*quietly notes Kris's behavior. Puts a check mark on paper.*
Karen,
Now those are cool toys. If I'd had them as a child, I could've re-enacted the civil wars.
My wife, who actively opposes history, is beginning to favor a classical motif in her homeschooling of my youngest stepson. She's going to listen to a full version of The Iliad while teaching him a kid's version of the epic. She's also toying with the idea of teaching the lad Latin.
This sudden interest in classical studies couldn't have anything to do with me giving her this book: The Well-Trained Mind: A Guide to Classical Education at Home. Or me going through another of my classical phases (just re-read all of Homer; now on Herodotus).
Every cabinet member should be proficient in a musical instrument. Instead of meetings, there can be concerts. When Bono inevitably shows up, don't let him play.
"When Bono inevitably shows up, don't let him play."
actually - we'd stuff "EEEDDDIEEEE" up his ass, send him somewhere else, and feed him to mongo.
(along with the Dave Matthews, and "Friends" crowds. Since there's 100% overlap, no worries)
Karen - since URKOBOLD is completely off topic, the recommendations are always welcome!
unlike that dickhead "Tom" from the "Paul's People" H&R Thread, it is actually about community - not really hard discussion (unless it is, of course, but it's still in a community context). Conversations can, nay, should take place in a meta dialogue with humor and references etc. Why not? Also - it takes like no time to get hep to the goings on, and everybody is welcome to play!
Playmobil is AWESOME!!!!!! BTW. So is Lego. And Lincoln Logs. And running outside and getting muddy. :)
d'oh -
plus these lists are AWESOME!!!!
VM,
I fear I'm getting too silly--this latest posting only has a few "serious" libertarian to do items. Must retrench.
ProGLib -
that's one of the beauties of the list: getting minimally-intrusive government means there will be some broad chops -
plus it's gotta be fun! :)
30. Issue an executive order requiring all administration web sites to revert to 1996 web standards.
So what you're saying is - all spinning GIFs, all the time!
Brilliant!
And blinking text, which we revived recently.
I think the Secret Service is a bit un-libertarian. There shouldn't be anything specifically secret about the President.
I say we trade in the Secret Service for body doubles. ...and when the President's in the White House, we could keep track of which one is really him by putting a green dot on the back of his head, like they do with quarterbacks.
Ken,
That comment made me realize something. I have a contradiction in my list. I'm having the Secret Service follow each Congressman around and slapping him when he violates the Constitution, AND I'm replacing the entire Secret Service with a Big Black Guy Named Ben. Hmmm, may need to correct.
Okay, fixed.
I think we should replace certain world leaders with body doubles, à la the old Mission: Impossible practice. Could be beneficial to American interests.
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