Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Breaking News in Tequila Crisis: Mexican Anschluss?

Pictured: Governor Schwarzenegger surveying his handiwork--ten thousand acres of destroyed agave crops. Note his evil Austrian leer.
Urkobold, through its network of spies, Internet trolls, and rickshaw drivers, has uncovered a shocking development in the global tequila crisis: Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, beloved actor and popular politician, is plotting to take over the world supply of tequila. The facts are indisputable:

Fact: Schwarzenegger is governor of California, which used to be part of tequila-producing Mexico. Why California, and not some Northeastern state where his wife's family could've aided his political career? Which leads us to our next

Fact: Schwarzenegger is, through his wife, a Kennedy. This family has some obscure political ties and is known to have played a major role in bootlegging during Prohibition.

Fact: Schwarzenegger has been a strong proponent of the development of so-called "alternative fuels", which has been the primary cause of agave field burnings in Mexico.

Fact: "Schwarzenegger" is German for "man who would like to have all of the world's tequila to himself."

Fact: Schwarzenegger was the star of Conan the Barbarian, which inexplicably highlighted a "Wheel of Pain." The Wheel of Pain was never explained and made no sense. Until now. Observe:










Note the similarities between the still image of Conan's "Wheel of Pain" and a photograph taken by The New York Times of a tequila distillery--the oldest distillery of any kind in the Western Hemisphere--located in the town of Tequila. Clearly, Schwarzenegger was aware decades ago that tequila is secretly made by slaves endlessly pushing a wheel around and around and around. And around.

Fact: Schwarzenegger is from Austria. As was Maximilian I, the Emperor of Mexico! Coincidence? Also, we know what people from Germany and Austria all want, don't we? That's right, they want to reunify with every other country in the world and to steal our tequila.

Fact: The following picture, taken many years ago, shows Schwarzenegger consuming mass quantities of tequila--just like the Mexican hoarders Urkobold exposed earlier this year!

This man must be stopped! Call your Congressperson now! The only way to stop him is to declare war on California, which is evilly complicit in his plan to deny the rest of us our God-given right to tequila. Our sacred imbiberties are threatened! Remember the Alamo!

9 comments:

highnumber said...

Shit.

Wow!

Pro Libertate said...

I see no other possible conclusion, given these facts.

highnumber said...

He's not really a robot from the future, right?

VikingMoose said...

Is Arnold the missing Iraqi WMD?

Pro Libertate said...

No, that's a myth. Robots don't drink tequila.

Just saw that Ted Kennedy plans to publish a tell-all book. Expect a chapter on this topic.

Pro Libertate said...

VM,

No, but, as you may recall, Bottles of Mass Consumption ("BMCs") have been found in Mexico. . .and in California.

thoreau said...

There are statistical studies to show that the tequila crisis became far worse around the time that DONDEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO was in Tijuana.

Coinkidink? I thinkythink not!

Pro Libertate said...

Schwarzenegger's minions are legion.

As we type, Governor Schwarzenegger is swimming in his Olympic-sized pool of tequila. Mocking our pain.

Stevo Darkly said...

Schwarzenegger's minions are legion.

And his legions are minions.

What's more, his bunions have lesions.

And his legions have bunions.

There is no end to this madness.