Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Monkey Tuesday: The Top 100 Things I'd Do if I Ever Became a Libertarian President (#61 - 70)

61. Two words: Iraqi Disney.

62. All state events will be catered by Papa John's or some other cheap quasi-food provider.

63. Work to repeal the Sixteenth (income tax) and Seventeenth (popular election of Senators) Amendments.

64. Move one of those giant NORAD TVs to my house and play Xbox 360 in style.

65. Order the administrative agencies to fire all of the Administrative Law Judges and replace them with the following process: Bust a deal, face the wheel! (Thanks, VM!)

66. The Vice President and I will host a weekly TV show called Mystery Congressional Theater 2009, where we will review, rate, and mock major Congressional speeches and bills over the past week.

67. Announce that I've reviewed documents on Roswell, the 9/11 Conspiracy, and the Apollo program and that I have made some shocking discoveries. Then never mention the matter again. (Thanks, Matt!)

68. Dress as George Washington at my inevitable impeachment hearings.

69. Claim ownership of the Moon and sell it to the highest bidder. Bidding starts at $10,000,000,000,000. Easy payment terms available!

70. Issue a call (on Monkey Tuesday, natch) for a privately funded memorial dedicated to all of the monkeys who have lost their lives in the service of the United States. Part of the overall effort will be to encourage a Million Monkey March on the Mall.
Remember our fallen monkey comrades!


highnumber said...

The Million Monkey March would be timed to coincide with your impeachment hearings, right?

Pro Libertate said...

No, but those same monkeys may attempt to seize Congress to save the best friend monkeys ever had.

If Ron Paul became president and was aggressively libertarian--shutting down agencies, refusing to do 80% of the stuff he's "supposed" to do on the grounds that it's unconstitutional, pardoning tens of thousands of victimless criminals, etc.--is there any chance he wouldn't be impeached? Even if he acted completely ethically and Constitutionally?

Matt L said...

To: ProGLib
From: Matt L
Re: (#61-#70)

While you are waiting for NORAD to move the screen a white bed sheet and DLP or LCD projector would work nicely.

#65 (aka MCT2K8)
Will you and the vice president build several sentient robots to assist you in the mocking?

Pro Libertate said...

matt l,

(1) Thank you, I was worried about the transition period.

(2) Well, as a libertarian president, I suppose having a Manhattan-style Project for creating true AM ("artificial mockery") for comic relief would be inappropriate, but perhaps Carnegie-Mellon or some other school with a robust robotics program could supply what we need. That, or we'll just get a couple of interns and make some puppets.

Ken Shultz said...

78. Order the Treasury to remove "In God We Trust" from all U.S. currency and replace it with our new motto, "All Your Base Are Belong to Us".

Sorry I'm late with this, but I was hoping to change the "In God We Trust" bit to "Fear is the Mind-Killer".

Pro Libertate said...

Very well, Ken, since that is superior to my original motto, and because this is a pro-Dune website, it shall be done.

vm said...

oh - 68 is dumb, IMO - the senators? states don't have rights. that's about as big a deflection as "gold standard". at best misunderstood.

Anonymous said...

You really lost me with Papa John's catering. Gross.

Pro Libertate said...

Papa John's is merely a placeholder for the winning caterer. I expect the food to be provided for free, in exchange for promotional rights (The Official Caterer of the President of the United States!).