Friday, September 14, 2007

Sulu Friday: Urkobold's Plan to Ensure Man's Immediate Conquest of the Solar System. . . And Beyond

Artist's Rendering of Salma Hayek (or functional equivalent*) taking a walk during her exile on the Moon.

Yesterday, Google announced that it would award $30 million to the first private entity to successfully send an unmanned lander to the Moon, drive it around a bit, and transmit back some pictures of the lunar surface--The Google Lunar X-Prize. How quaint. The Urkobold laughs at such small ambitions! Instead, the Urkobold is pleased to announce:

The Urkobold™ Lunar Sex Prize

The Urkobold's plan is simple. With the help of NASA, the Urkobold will launch Salma Hayek (or her functional equivalent*)--along with a self-contained moonbase and supplies sufficient to keep her alive for two years--to the Moon.

The prize is even simpler. The first private individual who can successfully get to the Moon (in person and without any government assistance), retrieve Miss Hayek (or functional equivalent*), and return her safely to Earth will be permitted to have sexual relations with Miss Hayek (or functional equivalent*). No extraneous requirements like taking pictures or driving around will be necessary to win, although Mr. Viking Moose would like some photos, if it's not too much trouble. Mr. Pro Libertate is above such things, being the wholly owned subsidiary of Mrs. Libertate.

The Urkobold is confident that this plan will result in a virtual panoply of cheap-access-to-orbit options, ranging from a space elevator to anti-gravity. Indeed, as the prize is later expanded to outer solar system and extra-solar missions, mankind should be flitting about at faster-than-light speeds within the decade. Even before this official announcement, sex-starved geeks around the world have been quivering with barely suppressed glee.

***BREAKING NEWS***: George Takei, famed actor and voice-over artist extraordinaire, has graciously agreed to accompany Miss Hayek (or functional equivalent*) to the Moon! Given his sexual orientation, this news is welcome, as Miss Hayek (or functional equivalent*) could use some company and a guy with spaceship-driving experience. In addition, the undying love that sex-starved rocket-scientist geeks have for Star Trek's "Mr. Sulu" should increase the already insane heights to which the Lunar Sex Prize will drive mankind.

*Functional Equivalent


highnumber said...

All right, so here I am on the moon. (I left as soon as the contest was announced and took the express shuttle.) Um, ProGLib, we have a problem. I don't see no Salma (or her functional equivalent). 'Sup wit dat?

Pro Libertate said...

Ah, trust highnumber to find the flaw in my plan!

Okay, I can solve this. highnumber: Design and launch a ship that can go from the Moon to the Earth, and I'll let you have some of the Porfidio when you land.

To all others, let me suggest that you wait until after Salma (or her functional equivalent) is actually on the Moon.

VikingMoose said...

Would the Noam Chomsky Blow Up Doll be a close substitute of the functional equivalent?

Pro Libertate said...

Only if you win. Check the fine print.

Although highnumber is still stranded on the Moon, a relief ship is on its way, piloted by George Takei and carrying ten barrels of fine tequila and some other incidental supplies.

highnumber said...

Since Sulu comes with tequila, all is well. You can leave us alone.

Oh, wait, send the Chomsky doll, too.

Pro Libertate said...

highnumber, highnumber, can you read us? Are giant steps, in fact, what you take when walking on the Moon?

Taktix® said...

Uhh, guys. I'm here on Mars, and I don't find switching my MapQuest directions to be very funny. Can you radio Sulu to swing by, since he's in the neighborhood.

And tell him to save some of that tequila. I hear there's an impending shortage back home...