Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Casus Bellum? Peak Tequila Update

Today, Urkobold's vast army of investigators witnessed this appalling scene at an Alamo rent a car México in Guadalajara. Not only are Mexican farmers destroying agave crops, thus artificially reducing the tequila supply, our teams have uncovered a terrible truth--the Mexican government is also shipping giant bottles of tequila to its citizens in order to hoard this vital resource.

Sources high in the Bush administration refuse to rule out the possibility of military action, up to and including a full-scale invasion of Mexico. Vice President Cheney, although refusing to comment specifically on the Mexican stand-off, stated that the government has reason to believe that Mexico is producing Bottles of Mass Consumption (BMCs) at an alarming and threatening rate.

Is Mexico stockpiling BMCs?
Never forget what you saw here today. Remember the Alamo!

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

Look at their unlimited consumption of the earth's natural resources. I think I'm going to be sick.

Pro Libertate said...

Look at their eyes as they drink. . .their mocking look. . .those giant bottles of tequila, not available to hard-working Americans.

I'm getting pissed.

highnumber said...

In a related story, my buddy who lives in Savannah bought a bottle of Corralejo Reposado, a fine reposado, for $17 from his local liquor store. He called me to ask if that was a good price. I told him to clear their shelves of it. Alas, they had just one bottle. Probably special ordered for someone who never came to pick it up and consequently marked down to cost (seems low even for wholesale).

Pro Libertate said...

It's been all over the news. I wonder how much tequila really will go up? Maybe the U.S. will really invade Mexico, albeit in a manner more akin to a College Student Crusade than any authorized military action.

Keith said...

If I had a job I'd be stocking up right now. Of course, that's kind of a catch-22.

Pro Libertate said...

keith,

In these trying times, one can't be blamed for entering Mexico illegally and liberating the tequila. Especially when one is unemployed and has nothing better to do, anyway.

VikingMoose said...

This is beginning to resemble the plot to the John Candy classic, "Canadian Bacon".

'cept with "Mexico" and "tequila".

oh. nevermind. one of those days.

Pro Libertate said...

And except that this is funny.

Karen said...

I learned in college Spanish that there is even a word in that language for someone who drinks lots of tequila -- "tequilero." Mocking us with their language, too.

Timothy said...

Hey VM, email me if you get a chance, I have a question for you.

highnumber said...

timothy,

Shit, I hate to be the one with bad news, but the real Viking Moose died about 8 months ago. I'm sorry. Mr Steven Crane carried on as best he could with the moniker, but he ended up enlisting ProGLib and me to help fill in. VM belongs to the ages.

Geez, I'm sorry, man. I thought everyone knew.

Pro Libertate said...

It was a horrible llama attack. I'll never forget his last words, Gott im Himmel!

But don't be sad. He died fighting for your right to abundant and cheap tequila.

Pro Libertate said...

Karen,

It gets worse. Ingés means English. Ingles means groins.

VikingMoose said...

OneHanded: done.

ProGLib - I took that llama out. Did too! Two of 'em, actually. And I learnd 'em. All three came at me at once, simultaneously, together, at the same time, and I took 'em out.

How would you do if four llamas suddenly attacked without warning unprovoked surprise all of a sudden attacked? But I got 'em.

Used my tae bo correspondence course to the max. Beat the krap out of five llamas.

In fact, I beat the shit out of them WITH Mr. Steven Crane, as a matter of fact!

Pro Libertate said...

VM lives!

highnumber said...

ProGLib,

Looks like we've got some work to do.
Let's finish the job.

VikingMoose said...

I'm getting better...

Pro Libertate said...

It's only a flesh wound, highnumber. We need troops for the War on Burning Agave.

VikingMoose said...

*strikes jaunty pose

Matt L said...

VM,

Speaking of "Canadian Bacon". I'm convinced the Canadians and Mexicans are plotting together. While everyone is focusing on the great agave burning of 2007, I think the Canadians are planning their attack. A nefarious uproar south, attack north strategery.

Pro Libertate said...

Nah, the Canadians wouldn't risk it. If we moved our borders 100 miles north, they'd lose 95% of their population. Besides, what do they have to offer? Canadian whiskey? Hah! They don't even have a cuisine, unless you count moose.

VikingMoose said...

Matt - so that'd be a Canadian Burrito?

ProGLib - watch it! (hrumph)

Pro Libertate said...

Oops. Not you, VM. The roaming kind. I've always wanted to eat at the Canadian pavilion at EPCOT to see just what exactly it is that they eat. Mock the U.S. all you want, but we have some great food. Not all great, of course, but that's a topic for another day.

Oh, right, Canada has that poon tang or whatever you call it.

Matt L said...

VM,

Yes, a burrito with beans, rice, and back bacon.