Thursday, June 28, 2007

Internet First! Voight-Kampff Empathy Test Performed Live, on a Blog

Thank you for participating in this test, highnumber. Please relax. You can even have a shot of tequila--it won't affect the results.

Okay, ready? Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.

Dr. Urkobold: It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?




highnumber: I look for the gift receipt. I prefer money clips.




Dr. Urkobold: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus the killing jar. What do you do?







highnumber: I ask him how he manages to catch the butterflies.







Dr. Urkobold: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp crawling on your arm.





highnumber: Yikes! I get up slowly and try to get to the door to get it outside and encourage it to fly away.



Dr. Urkobold: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, highnumber, it’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, highnumber. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that, highnumber?

highnumber: Well, for a moment, I would like to see the tortoise's underside. It's not something one often has a chance to see. Can I flip it back over before I leave?



Dr. Urkobold: You know what a turtle is?









highnumber: Yes, I know what a turtle is. What the hell kind of question is that?









Dr. Urkobold: Same thing.






highnumber: I didn't ask what a tortoise is, because I ALREADY KNEW! I asked if I could flip it back over before I left. Jesus!



Dr. Urkobold: I mean you're not helping! Why is that, highnumber?






highnumber: I'm not helping? What do you mean that I'm not helping? Can we have the next question already? I know what a turtle is. I know what a tortoise is. What the hell kind of a test is this, anyway? Next question, please.





Dr. Urkobold: They're just questions, highnumber. In answer to your query, they're written down for me. It's a test, designed to provoke an emotional response.

Shall we continue?


highnumber: Yes, please continue.





Dr. Urkobold: Describe in single words. Only the good things that come into your mind. About your mother.





highnumber: Mom? Loving. Devoted. Protective.









Dr. Urkobold: You're reading a magazine. You come across a full page nude photo of a girl.






highnumber: I'll be in VM's bunk. Keep him out of there, would ya?



Dr. Urkobold: Just answer the questions, please. You show it to your wife. She likes it so much she hangs it on your bedroom wall.




highnumber: Go 'way! Batin'!








Dr. Urkobold: One more question. You're watching a stage play. A banquet is in progress. The guests are enjoying an appetizer of raw oysters. The entrée consists of boiled dog.



highnumber: Is it one of those shows where we eat with the actors, like "Tony and Tina's Wedding"? I have heard that the food is terrible at those things. I would be surprised that they actually told us that it was dog, though. I would have thought that they would call it something like "Chinese Lamb" or something.

Viking Moose: Would you step out for a few moments, highnumber? Thank you.




Dr. Urkobold: He's a replicant, isn't he?





Viking Moose:








Dr. Urkobold: Um, your hours of silence after confirming that highnumber is an inhuman replicant capable of ripping my intestines out through my ears is rather disturbing. Please respond. isway ighnumberhay inway eednay ofway etirementray?

Viking Moose:










Dr. Urkobold: Okay, everyone, no problem--Viking Moose is fine. I just heard that highnumber went up to visit him at the top of the Tyrell Building. To play chess! Yep. . . .





Dr. Urkobold: Well, then. highnumber! Listen, why don't you come down to the Urkobold cellar? I've got a really nice cask of Amontillado that I just know that you'll love.






28 comments:

VikingMoose said...

brilliant!

Pro Libertate said...

It'll be better when highnumber finishes his tequila and starts answering the questions.

dhex said...

that was truly amazing.

Lost_In_Translation said...

what have I stumbled in on!?

Pro Libertate said...

LIT,

You've stumbled onto scientific history in the making! We'll be getting multiple Nobels for this one.

Lost_In_Translation said...

the test was devised when androids were much more primitive, surely highnumber is as human as you or I with today's technology...

Pro Libertate said...

That's yet to be determined.

highnumber said...

How do you all think it went?

joe said...

Dr. Urkobold: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, joe, it’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, joe. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that, joe?

Uh, because I'm a Republican?

Pro Libertate said...

Back off, joe. I'm a scientist.

Roy Batty said...

Great surprise ending! I haven't laughed so hard since my incept date!

Edward James Olmos said...

It's too bad he won't live. But then again, who does?

highnumber said...

So, like, will we ever see VM again?
or was he deported as the Danish spy that we've all long suspected him of being?

Pro Libertate said...

Oh, I don't know. Maybe he's not quite dead yet.

VikingMoose said...

I'm getting better!

Pro Libertate said...

No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.

VikingMoose said...

I FEEL HAPPY!!!!!!

Pro Libertate said...

This sure is a long post. Just scrolling past it gives me wrist pains.

highnumber said...

If you go to its page, it's longer than the archive list plus the other crap on the side. That's long!

Pro Libertate said...

I like it, though. We'll just have to add more crap on the side.

I wonder how this site loads for our millions of readers with dial-up connections?

highnumber said...

Slowly.

I have DSL and an old 'puter and it loads slowly.

Pro Libertate said...

Good. Then only people serious about this site will access it.

highnumber said...

I think we're taking you off the marketing team.

Pro Libertate said...

Your problem is that you see this as a business. It's a religion, like Scientology, with all of the tax-free profits that implies :)

highnumber said...

We're canceling your missionary trip then.

Pro Libertate said...

Lo, and highnumber sinned and was smiteth by the Urkobold.

Dave-o-ramA said...

If you look on the side of my highnumber, you will see that it says "Desert Eagle .50" while on the side of your highnumber, it says "Replicant".

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