Friday, June 15, 2007

And Then There's Zod!

Urkobold is pleased to announce that His new public relations campaign for General Zod is now in full gear. As part of making the Zod message more family friendly, General Zod has gracefully agreed to join the cast of a new CBS sitcom: Zod! Zod will play, of course, himself, with Ursa playing his wife, Ursa, and the time-snatched Adrienne Barbeau playing his daughter, Jel-Bate. Zod expects a 100% share of the Nielsen ratings for this show--please be sure to watch.

Next week, on Zod!, Zod deals with every father's greatest nightmare--the guy his daughter brings home:

(at the local diner)
Zod
: I feel an overpowering urge to use my heat vision on this man, who dared come between Zod and Zod's take out order.
Ursa: Now Zod, you know we don't have time--Jel-Bate is bringing that young man home to meet us tonight!
Zod: Very well. Let us procure sustenance.

* * *

(at the Zod family compound)

Ursa: Florida! Please prepare these victuals for mass consumption!
Florida: In a minute, ma'am. I'm busy.
Ursa: Do as I say, and, after you are through, please break your left kneecap for your impertinence.
Ursa (to Zod, who just walked in the room): Honey, do you really think your general outfit is appropriate for dinner? It makes you look fat.
Zod: Zod will get you for that, Ursa!
(laughter from the studio audience)

* * *

(later, at the dinner table)
Zod: Where on Krypton--I mean Houston--I mean Earth (laughter) is Jel-Bate? (raising voice to inhuman levels) Jel-Bate!!
Jel-Bate (running into the dining room): Here I am, Daddy!
Zod: Where's that human sacrifice you promised Zod?
Jel-Bate: Daddy, that's not funny, and he's not human.
Zod: Please explain to Zod your cryptic remark.
Jel-Bate (hesitating): Well, he's, um, Kryptonian.
Zod: Zod is pondering this statement. It makes no sense. Non is the only available Kryptonian mate, and he lacks external genitalia and is autosexual, anyway. Do you attempt to joke with Zod?


* * *

(doorbell rings)
Jel-Bate (rushing to the door): Daddy, that must be him!
(Zod follows, not rushing, but walking with stately dignity)
Zod: Very well. Open the portal and introduce Zod to this mystery man.
(Jel-Bate opens door to reveal. . .)
Zod: For the love of Zod! You bring the Son of Jor-El into Zod's home? Zod's greatest enemy? Zod must prepare to unleash his wrath.
Jel-Bate: Daddy, you promised! After you incinerated my last boyfriend, you promised not to do it again! Please?
Zod (in mid leap of death): Yes, Zod did swear an unbreakable Kryptonian oath to that effect. But Zod must destroy the Son of Jor-El as well. What shall Zod do?
Ursa (entering): What's this all about? (gets summation) Well, Kal-El, I have an idea. Will you kneel before Zod?
Kal-El: Never!
Jel-Bate: Kal-El!! I thought you loved me!
Kal-El (looking at Jel-Bate's torso and thinking twice). Oh, what the hell. My dad was an asshole--did I ever tell you about the time he launched me into space? (kneels before Zod).
Zod (a tear in his eye): Then it is settled. Children, skip dinner and reproduce at this very moment! Zod is pleased!
Ursa (to audience): Oh, Zod!

11 comments:

Stevo Darkly said...

Thank you for posting a photo of Adrienne Barbeau and linking to a larger version of the image. These are the kind of things that make my day.

Pro Libertate said...

Sex and humor--America's two greatest gifts to the world.

Cap'n Murphy said...

There go my nipples again!

VikingMoose said...

hokae.

hilarious!

joe said...

Oh, man, this has "spinoff" written all over it!

Think a series about the boyfriend would fly?

Pro Libertate said...

joe,

It's possible, though there the talk of having him date a human woman is entirely implausible.

Pro Libertate said...

Sans "there", anyway.

joe said...

I SAID, "Do you think a series about the boyfriend would..."

snort

"Do you think a series about the boyfriend..." pregnant pause "...would..."

Ah, screw it.

Pro Libertate said...

I can't cape with that kind of humor.

joe said...

That's a really nice personal photo you've got there, Pro Lib.

How many formats have you owned "Braveheart" in?

Pro Libertate said...

joe,

Actually, I really am a Wallace (grandmother). And, though I like Braveheart, I also find it annoyingly inaccurate.