Gute Vorsätze

What are some of your New Year's Resolutions?

1) perfecting the asphyxiation batin technique
2) eat more fiber
3) keep positive trajectories
4) Mr. Steven Crane
5) contribute to twaddlenockery
6) eradicate twaddlenockery
7) [secret]
8) [too embarrassing to say - I suggest that I learn more before I embarrass myself any further]

(please note: I have suspended the standing resolution, which is to stop saying, "You go, girl" to myself)

The Mythbusters Take (Well, Took) on the Gorn Cannon

Dangit, I missed this one! So full of awesome.

WAKE UP!

Play it loud!



Happy New Year!

Long Yet Eminently Entertaining Review of The Phantom Menace

This guy has more reviews if you like this one.

Breaking New Year's News: Tequila and Champagne, Together At Last!

They said it was impossible. They said that tequila could never play an official role in New Year's Day celebrations. Well, "they" are friggin' morons, because Maestro Dobel has taken up the challenge and now offers the world this beverage:

The "Diamond Celebration"

1 part Maestro Dobel Tequila
2 extra fine sugar cubes
1 squeeze of lemon wedge
3 parts fine champagne (chilled)

Consume at your own risk. Tell us how you do.

Children of the Corn?

The Urkobold is Hot for Teacher

PEOPLE OFTEN ASK THE URKOBOLD, "HOW DO YOU SPEAK SUCH GOOD ENGLISH AS A NON-NATIVE SPEAKER?" A REASONABLE QUESTION, WHICH THE URKOBOLD WILL ANSWER THIS ONE TIME WITHOUT MOCKING THE PRETENSIONS OF THE QUESTIONER.

FIRST, WHEN LEARNING ANY LANGUAGE, THE URKOBOLD RECOMMENDS FULL IMMERSION. THIS IS A LINGUISTIC TECHNIQUE WHERE THE STUDENT MOVES IN WITH A HOT BABE OR THREE IN A COUNTRY WHERE THE LANGUAGE IS SPOKEN. AFTER A YEAR EXPERIENCING SUCH IMMERSION, THE STUDENT SHOULD BE FLUENT IN THE LANGUAGE, AS WELL AS IN THE SEXUAL MORES OF THE CULTURE.

SECOND, IT IS IMPORTANT TO KEEP CURRENT IN THE LANGUAGE WHEN THE STUDENT RETURNS HOME. THIS CAN BE DONE BY READING NEWSPAPERS AND WATCHING TV IN THE LANGUAGE, AS WELL AS BY MAKING FRIENDS THAT SPEAK THE LANGUAGE.

FOR THE URKOBOLD, HE HONES HIS ENGLISH SKILLS BY WATCHING VIDEOS ON ENGLISH WORDS AND THEIR USAGE PRODUCED BY A RESPECTED RUSSIAN PHILOLOGIST:

ABSORB MORE OF THIS TEACHER'S WISDOM BY SEEKING HER WEB PRESENCE.

Russian women: Is there nothing they can't do?

Christopher Lee: The Dark Years Before The Fellowship of the Ring

Full Elven Jacket

* From Spiked Humor.

On That Day, We Were All Illinois Nazis

As part of the annual year-end introspective that the media likes to indulge in, I learned that Henry Gibson died on September 14. A great comedic and character actor, he will be missed.

Aside from being the archetypal Illinois Nazi, Gibson also was a regular on Boston Legal and did voice work on King of the Hill as recently as 2008. He must've appeared as a guest star or regular on just about every TV show in the 70s, 80s, and 90s and was one of those TV actors that could regularly pop up in film.

If there's an afterlife, I like to think that Gibson gets to finally catch Belushi. He's earned it.

The Matrix for Grandmas?

On A Boring Wednesday

Dear Reader,

We have read your emails, gotten your telegrams, and saw that lovely sky-drawing of a shockingly-correctly proportioned Mr. Steven Crane.

And after a meeting, granted with a rather truncated staff, we decided to heed your requests.

In that spirit, therefore, today we shall not:
1) use haiku.
2) create our own LOLcats
3) say "you go girl" to ourselves
4) put the Noam Chomsky blow up doll back on the shelf in a soiled condition, even after reading the leather-bound edition of "Heather Has Two Mommies" (the edition with the sweaty pillow fight scene on page 69)
5) end every conversation at work (or other, appropriate public places) with, "you like fries with that?"

Satisfied?

Now. hier's something mellow to start the day properly. GO OUT AND BUY THEIR STUFF. (and thanks, poster)

(and thanks to the "drafts" folder, my mega, "dammit" post I did when for some reason I got booted out of blogger shall be used another time)

Fudd on Metal

"Kill the Wabbit"
(by Mark McCollum)

[Spoken:] In an abandoned warehouse with no lights. Just shadows, and soon no rabbits. The purpose of the event is to pass the torch from one generation of heavy metal to the next. And there lies. . . in his black leather hunting outfit with a shotgun guitar with spikes coming out of it, Ozzy Fudd, the Rabbit Slayer!

In the dead of night,
A shimmewing wight.
Gweem of a bwade,
And the devil was paid.
When the axe comes down,
A chewing sound.
Steel against the head,
Another wabbit's dead.
I'm a wabbit swayer,
A guitar pwayer,
With a nasty habbit,
Kill the wabbit!
(Hah hah hah)
AhhhaahooOhhh

I'm a mean mistweater,
A wabbit feaster,
And I pwedict,
A bwoody Easter.
A scuwwowing shadow,
And the shadow wants to stab it.
In the night of echoes,
Kill the wabbit!

KILL THE WABBIT!
KILL THE WABBIT!
KILL THE WABBIT!
KILL THE WABBIT!
KILL THE WABBIT!
KILL THE WABBIT!
KILL THE WABBIT!
KILL THE WABBIT!

Ohhhh. . . .
And there won't be any more wabbits awound!
No more Wodger Wabbit,
No more Peter Wabbit,
And no more Pwayboy Bunny Wabbits!
Ah ha ha ha ha!
Be vewy vewy careful. Oooh. . . .
Cwazy wabbits. . . .

Monkey Tuesday: Robin WIlliams on His Experience with Koko the Gorilla

The Miracle of Tequila

Three out of five doctors recommend tequila for detecting brain tumors!

From the CBS13 (Sacramento) website, via Asylum:

A Galt teen is back home for the holidays after the successful, seven-month-long treatment of a brain tumor that was only discovered after he. . .downed eight shots of tequila as fast as he could.

Yes, once again, tequila has proven to be a miracle elixir, capable of the most stunning achievements. Antibiotics? Aspirin? Ha! Even cheap tequila offers amazing benefits, from the pharmacological to the metaphysical:

Word of the Day: Congress

Foreign readers often ask me the etymology of certain English words. Recently, with all of the various healthcare "reform" bills, stimuli, and other attempts to derail the American economy, I've been asked several times why our legislative body is called "Congress." It's quite simple, really:

con·gress [n. kong-gris; v. kuhn-gres]

–noun

1. coitus; sexual intercourse.

–verb (used without object)

2. to assemble together; meet in [sexual] congress.

Escaping from Planets Monday: A Graphical Interlude

Transterrestrial Musings recently highlighted a nice little graphic (from xkcd) on escaping from the gravity wells of major bodies in the solar system. Could be useful if you are ever wrongfully imprisoned on another world. Particularly if that world is a Martian moon and you have a bike and a ramp (see the special Mythbusters episode on building bikes and ramps out of things found in a typical prison cell). I don't know why, but the image of that escape really amuses me: "'Later Deimos!' he screamed, as he pedaled madly towards freedom."

Here's the whole graphic for your future escape-planning needs.

Cracked Brings Its A-Game to Christmas

When members of the Star Wars Holiday Special Survivors' Support Group meet, now they'll have a guide to assist in their recovery process: The 7 Most Baffling Moments in the Star Wars Holiday Special.

All That Glitters is Not Gold. . .Except for GoldenEye 007 for the Nintendo 64

Odds are that you, too, have shot a Russian soldier in a bathroom. . .more than once. Because seven out of ten male Americans have played possibly the greatest first-person shooter of all time: GoldenEye 007 for the Nintendo 64. A decent Bond film (Sean Bean as the bad guy, a woman called Onatopp--gotta love it), but an awesome game. I really enjoyed it in one-player mode, but it was also lots of fun playing against my brother and my sons. Ultraviolence in the comfort of your own home!

Cracked.com just ran a nice hagiography about the game (hence this post)--check it out. Here's an excerpt:

GoldenEye 007: All the essential ingredients of a nutritious and delicious gaming experience.

Just The Facts

1. Widely considered one of the greatest games of all-time.
2. Released in 1997 and has sold over eight-million copies.
3. One of the first games to include a groin-shot death animation.
4. Contains one of the most frustrating protection missions ever. We're looking at you "Control."
5. Allows you to use the shittiest video game weapon of all time, the Klobb.